Words of wisdom we've heard over Airline PA systems 18

[SantaMufasa]

I got such a laugh out of Golom's post in the "Speed vs. Velocity" thread:

In a few minutes we will be landing in <pick your favorite third-world city>
Please set your watches back 2,000 years.

...that I thought we needed to give some "air time" to other airline gems, without hijacking the other thread. One of my favourites:

"...Should we experience a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will appear above your head. Place the mask over your nose and mouth, and breathe normally. If you normally do not breathe normally, then breathe as you normally would when you normally do not breathe normally.

What others have you heard?


Mufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
[I can provide you with low-cost, remote Database Administration services: see our website and contact me via www.dasages.com]

 

[mattKnight]

Sabena - Such a bad experience, never again!

Take Care

Matt
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

 

[Lunatic]

sleipnir214,

I love things like that. However there have been people who have survived water landings (crashes).

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ditching

I remember watching the 2002 one talked about on the news.

 

[sleipnir214]

Lunatic:
The article I posted makes to claim to survivors. It reads, "in the history of aviation the number of wide-bodied aircraft that have made successful landings on water is zero." The Wikipedia article doesn't refute that.



Want the best answers? Ask the best questions! TANSTAAFL!

 

[rjoubert]

I would think that no water landings could ever be successful...is that where they planned to land in the first place? If not, then it's not successful, regardless of injuries or death.

 

[jsteph]

We're passing by some beautiful landmarks folks. If you all lean to the right...the plane will tip over

Ok, I think that was from some sitcom, not a true happening. But this one is true, I heard it on--what else--Southwest, flying out of KC:

(All the passengers were watching and waiting as the crew late-boarded a very, very elderly man with a walker. It was clear that he was well past his '90s, and it took quite a while to get him through the door and settled.)

Attendent: Ladies and Gentleman, thank you for your patience, George here has just celebrated his 98th birthday...So, now that our captain is aboard, we'll be taking off shortly.

--Jim

 

[Lunatic]

sleipnir214, yes, but I wasn't refering to planes successfully landing, I was refering to the article's assertion that the life jackets were never useful...

Your life-jacket can be found under your seat, but please do not remove it now. In fact, do not bother to look for it at all. In the event of a landing on water, an unprecedented miracle will have occurred, because in the history of aviation the number of wide-bodied aircraft that have made successful landings on water is zero.

I'm not saying they would have found the life jacket or seat cushion from their seat, but instead that the life jackets aren't completely useless (just nearly always).

I think the wikiopedia article even talks about a crash where some victims drowned because they inflated their life jackets before leaving the plane and became trapped... This makes it sound something like a car that goes into water, that in some cases the plane is intact enough and there is enough time after a water 'landing' (crash), to take the lifejackets with you.


***

Bottom line though... I still need to improve at making myself clear the first time.

 

[BJCooperIT]

Lots to laugh at on Mark Wagner's blog. My favorite:

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane

[sup]Beware of false knowledge; it is more dangerous than ignorance.[/sup][sup] ~George Bernard Shaw[/sup]
Consultant Developer/Analyst Oracle, Forms, Reports & PL/SQL (Windows)
My website: www.EmuProductsPlus.com

 

[j0ckser]

on a recent southwest airlines flight, i wasn't paying particular attention to the safety demonstration as i fly enough to have virtually memorised the information. however, i did catch the comment:

...in the unlikely event that we must ditch the plane in water, use the seat cushion as a floatation device which you are welcome to keep as a souvenir of your trip.

although i did pay attention to the rest of the demonstration to hear what other funnies he would (and did) offer, i don't remember them. that whole trip was a laugh from start to finish. i suspect that people would pay a little more attention if the FA's took a few light liberties with the announcements.

on another recent flight with westjet the male FA stumbled over the wording of an announcement as we were coming in to land, and he broke up laughing over the PA. he tried, unsuccessfully a second time (still laughing), and had even more trouble the third time when he just gave up. my seatmate and i were in tears we were laughing so hard.

per ardua ad astra

 

[ChrisHunt]

I'm reminded of a routine by the great Michael Flanders, talking about when you're appraching the airport:

Then you see a sign saying "WARNING - Low Flying Aircraft!" Well, there's not a lot you can do about that is there? Take your hat off...

-- Chris Hunt
Webmaster & Tragedian
Extra Connections Ltd

 

[PaulTEG]

... for starters ;-)

Paul
------------------------------------
Spend an hour a week on CPAN, helps cure all known programming ailments ;-)

 

[sleipnir214]

This may be a smidge off-topic, but it arrived by email today and I thought I'd share it:

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?".
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- USAF Ammo Troop
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
- USAF Ammo Troop
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death .. I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
- From an old carrier sailor
------------------------------------------------------------------------
If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
A: If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies. If ATC screws up .... the pilot dies.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Never trade luck for skill.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding, or doing anything about it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang [crash] seems inevitable, endeavour to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."
- Jon McBride, astronaut
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, ca. 1970
------------------------------------------------------------------------
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.





Want the best answers? Ask the best questions! TANSTAAFL!

 

[SantaMufasa]

This may be a smidge off-topic...

No need to worry, Sleipnir...your post certainly is in keeping with the spirit of this thread. In fact, had there been enough room on the subject line, I might have changed the thread title to read, "Words of wisdom we've heard over Airline PA systems...or seen on pre-/post-flight debriefing bulletin boards," -- but such is both loquacious and tautological.

Havanuther Star for a fun read...it's a keeper!

Mufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
[I can provide you with low-cost, remote Database Administration services: see our website and contact me via www.dasages.com]

 

[elanor]

Once, on a cheapie flight from Paris to New York, after the flight attendant announced that we would be making an "unscheduled stop" at Gander Army Air Force base in Newfoundland, I asked her why we were landing. She poked me playfully, giggled, and said "we're out of gas!"

My seatmates and I were very, very quiet until we landed.
Thanks!
Elanor

 

[SantaMufasa]

Elanor...Good one...It's a keeper, too...Hava

Mufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
[I can provide you with low-cost, remote Database Administration services: see our website and contact me via www.dasages.com]

 

[BJCooperIT]

Sorry to revive such an old thread, but I had to share this:

http://www.overheardintheoffice.com/

12PM Signs Your Cabin Pressure May Be a Bit Unbalanced

Flight attendant: ... We don't expect a change in cabin pressure, but if it does occur, a designer oxygen mask will be released in front of you. Secure the mask on yourself first, then, if you are traveling with children, put a mask on the child with the most potential, then put a mask on the other one...

Mother passenger: [Gasps, horrified.]

Flight attendant: ... This is a non-smoking flight, but if you do decide to smoke, we will have you reseated on the wing of the plane where you can watch our feature presentation of Bye Bye Birdie or Gone with the Wind...

Southwest Airlines flight from Kansas City, Missouri, to Tampa, Florida

[sup]Beware of false knowledge; it is more dangerous than ignorance.[/sup][sup] ~George Bernard Shaw[/sup]
Consultant Developer/Analyst Oracle, Forms, Reports & PL/SQL (Windows)
My website: www.EmuProductsPlus.com

 

[MallardVHS]

[grumbling & agitated] [purple]"If this were a non-smoking flight we wouldn't be crashing now, would we?"[/purple] [grumbling & agitated]

Call me a plane-speaking Mutter Fokker..., who's been grounded.



[green]Tis far easier to keep your duck in a row if you just have the one.[/green]

 

[AnotherHiggins]

BJ,

funny you should mention that site. A buddy and I have been trading quotes found from that site and its sister site,

http://www.overheardinnewyork.com,

for the last several weeks.

For anyone not familiar with the sites, there is some real treasure to be found there.

[tt]_____
[blue]-John[/blue][/tt]
[tab][red]The plural of anecdote is not data[/red]

Help us help you. Please read FAQ181-2886 before posting.

 

[RoyVidar]

A friend of mine heard this one from a Scandinavian airline:

"In a few minutes we will be landing in <some Scandinavian city>, please ensure that your seat belt is fastened, your seat back is in upright position and your tray-table is stowed, because today they've allowed me to do the landing."

Roy-Vidar

 

[Welshbird]

London Tube Gossip

I have several favourites from this site:

She's a typical student, hates Tony Blair, hates the government, loves Che Guevera... doesn't really have a brain.

Obviously, IQ tests are seriously flawed, but I'm still cleverer than you.

In America, they do Halloween properly; you can be a pirate or a Jedi. You don't have to be a ghost or a zombie.

Well worth a read - it makes me laugh out loud.

And, apologies for the choice language in this one - but it made me laugh for quite a while (am assuming that everyone sees the adverts for Yakult and such things....

Friendly bacteria can f*** right off.

Oh, and of course this one just to finish off....

The food portions in New York make London look like a third world country.

Fee

The question should be [red]Is it worth trying to do?[/red] not [blue] Can it be done?[/blue]

 

[PaulTEG]

I know pilots (well, one fat one), and they'd be chuffed with this kind of response, both of him, in fact ...

Paul
------------------------------------
Spend an hour a week on CPAN, helps cure all known programming ailments ;-)