Words of wisdom we've heard over Airline PA systems 18

[SantaMufasa]

I got such a laugh out of Golom's post in the "Speed vs. Velocity" thread:

In a few minutes we will be landing in <pick your favorite third-world city>
Please set your watches back 2,000 years.

...that I thought we needed to give some "air time" to other airline gems, without hijacking the other thread. One of my favourites:

"...Should we experience a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will appear above your head. Place the mask over your nose and mouth, and breathe normally. If you normally do not breathe normally, then breathe as you normally would when you normally do not breathe normally.

What others have you heard?


Mufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
[I can provide you with low-cost, remote Database Administration services: see our website and contact me via www.dasages.com]

 

[donbott]

I always try to get a look at the pilots wrist. If he's wearing a diver's watch that will work in deep water i always wonder if he knows something I don"t

DonBott

 

[gbaughma]

You know, I'm amazed I haven't been thrown off a flight or two yet.... I tend to get silly for some reason before I fly.

By the same token, I also tend to be one of the folks who calms people down quickly.

Some examples.

Flying to Dallas one August. It was hot. I mean, HOT, and we were sitting in the plane after boarding; the doors had closed, but for some reason we weren't going anywhere yet. They hadn't even started the engines. Well, after about 10 minutes, the sweat was flowing, and people were getting grouchy. They were fiddling with the air controls (of course, nothing was coming out), and finally started mumbling louder and louder. The situation was, actually, turning volitile pretty quickly. I stood up, and turned around (I was sitting towards the front) and announced "Folks, the air works off of the engines. I know you're hot, and I'm hot too, but until they start the engines, the air jets won't work. So you might as well calm down, I'm sure we'll be under way shortly." I sat back down, and a few minutes the engines started and the air jets started as well. The flight attendant came up and thanked me for calming them down.

You know you're going to have an interesting flight when you see some guy banging on a propeller with a wrench, then yelling "Try it again, Charlie!"

I love planes, though... and actually know quite a bit about them, especially the ones that I'm in. Sometimes you get "first time" flyers, or ones that aren't used to the sounds that a plane makes. I've seen quite a few people get really nervous when we take off, and the landing gear retracts. On some planes (especially like a Baby DC-9), the gear locking into place makes a loud CLUNK under your feet. I've had to calm several people down by explaining what the sound was.

I guess the funniest flight story I have was flying out of Hibbing, Minnesota in February. In the middle of a snow/ice storm. The plane was already late arriving, and there was discussion about whether the plane was even going to land, and if it did land, if it was going to take off again, etc. Now, keeping in mind, this was a Saab SF-340; for those of you not familiar with the plane, it's a relatively small (33 seat) twin-engine turbo-prop. Landing in an even smaller airport. Well, finally we saw them turn on the runway lights (did I mention it was a really small airport?), and saw the landing lights of the plane. The PA announced that if we wanted to get on the flight, we would JOG, not walk, to the plane, there would be no beverage service, because there wasn't time to switch out the cart, we would get into our seats, buckle up, and HOLD ON.

Well, we jogged to the plane, got in, strapped in, and the pilot comes on and says "As soon as they de-ice the wings, we're on our way." 5 minutes later, the only other thing he said is "Here we go" and we went <lol>.

The scary part is (at least with Northwest), it seems like all the pilots are WWII vets... and they work 12-16 hour shifts (I've seen pilots look like the walking dead, heading straight for starbucks at Detroit....)

The other scary part is; to certify to fly a new plane (such as a DC-10 jumbo), the pilots spend time in simulators, and the first time they actually *FLY* one of them is fully loaded with passengers (as a copilot, but still flying the plane). Think about that one next time you fly.



Just my 2¢

"In order to start solving a problem, one must first identify its owner." --Me
--Greg

http://parallel.tzo.com

 

[addy]

Slightly off topic but this was an email I recieved ages ago which is supposed to be actual maintenance logs from QANTAS, although, I suspect they may not be 100% genuine.

Funny nevertheless:

(P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engine airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed

 

[sleipnir214]

I don't know whether those all happened at QANTAS, but I can state for a fact that at least a quarter of them appeared in logbooks in my helicopter company in the U.S. Army.

An additional one I saw was:

P: Nut loose behind cyclic stick.

I got in large trouble when I replied:

S: Replaced pilot.



Want the best answers? Ask the best questions! TANSTAAFL!

 

[Golom]

Not amusing necessarily ...

We had just landed in Vancouver BC after 12 or 13 hours over the Pacific in a 747 from Hong Kong. As we were staggering of the plane a member of the flight crew (the pilot I think) was talking to one of the ground crew guys and the part of the conversation that I heard was

Yeah ... we noticed the smoke out of both engines about three hours ago ...

Nice warm feeling to think about how many landing spots there are 2,000 miles out in the Pacific.

 

[sleipnir214]

Golom:
While I was in the Army, there was a big push to encourage people to get airborne qualification. When my section sergeant brought it up one morning, I facetiously asked, "Why would I want to jump out of a perfectly good airplane?"

To which my sergeant replied, "Specialist, you've been a professional airplane mechanic for more than three years now. When was the last time you saw a perfectly good airplane?"



Want the best answers? Ask the best questions! TANSTAAFL!

 

[DataDog]

Back to Southwest for a moment ....

I was on a flight many years ago when the Flight Attendant gave the following boarding anouncement:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to Southwest Airlines. This flight, like all Southwest Airlines' flights is Non-Smoking. After takeoff, if you wish to smoke, please proceed to the nearest exit to view today's movie. Playing today will be..... Gone With The Wind."

DataDog
"Failure Is Not An Option'

 

[Welshbird]

When I recently flew from Mallorca to UK on a charter flight, the stewardess reminded us it was non-smoking, and then said

"Anyone caught trying to smoke in any part of this airline during the flight will be asked to leave immediately"

Fee

The question should be [red]Is it worth trying to do?[/red] not [blue] Can it be done?[/blue]

 

[AnotherHiggins]

This wasn't over the PA, but certainly the most.... interesting.... thing I ever heard on a plane was on a flight from JFK to RDU.

I was on a late-night flight on a twin-prop puddle jumper. There was an electrical storm all up the east coast. There was one flight attendant - it was her first flight on her own. We had a pilot catching a ride in a jump seat at the front of the cabin.

About 30 minutes into the flight I looked around. I was reading a book, as was one other passenger. All other passengers were asleep, lulled by the constant drone of the engines, no doubt. In a small prop plane like that you can feel the engines running - the entire plane vibrates a little.

I looked out the window. I enjoyed seeing the rain in flashes of lightening. We hit a bit of turbulence, but I've flown many times and don't rile too easily.

Then, at around 45 minutes into the flight, all the noise stopped. There was no vibration. No engine noise at all. We were gliding. In a storm. At night. At high altitude. Turbulence is no big deal, but this got my attention. I looked back at the other conscious passenger. She looked back at me with eyes as big as saucers. We both, in unison, looked forward to the pilot in the jump seat. He looked mildly concerned. But upon realizing that we were looking at him he gave a slight grin and made a patting motion with his hand, telling us to settle down, trying to assure us that everything was fine. "There, there," he seemed to be saying, though his eyes betrayed him.

Then the engines started back up. The whole thing probably took less than 10 seconds, but it felt more like 10 minutes.

The rest of the flight passed without incident. Upon landing, I just had to ask the pilot (the one flying, not the one in the jump seat) what happened there. He said that the noise was the landing gear being lowered. There were tired passengers who had just awoken in line behind me so I didn't want to hold things up. But I don't think that the landing gear would be lowered at the midpoint of the flight, or that lowering the landing gear should cause both engines to stop (maybe someone here can confirm or refute this).

[tt]_____
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[tab][red]The plural of anecdote is not data[/red]

Help us help you. Please read FAQ181-2886 before posting.

 

[ncotton]

Maybe the deployment of the landing gear counterbalanced the vibration ...or maybe not.

Hope this Helps.

Neil J Cotton
njc Information Systems
Systems Consultant

 

[nicksims]

anotherhiggins...

This is just a possibility- there could have been a slight layer of ice building. Even the slightest bit of ice could lead to extra noise and vibration. The de-icing equipment (which in some cases may have been a series of rubber bladders that expand to break away the ice) needs to be turned on at the right time. Then it all breaks away. (Turn equip. on too early, and the ice continues to build over expanded de-icing boots, too late and you have too much ice to remove. This equipment could be on the edges of the wing or the props too.)

Aaahhh. Lovely silence (or less noise then before). Then as the ice builds up again (consider the conditions you mentioned- very possible), the noise builds.

The odds of BOTH engines cutting out? And at the same time? Extremely unusual, but possible. Momentary fuel management problem that was quickly (depending on one's perspective!) resolved? Doubt it. One engine quitting? You would have felt it and more people would have awoken.

Or perhaps they took their sweet time in raising the gear. Didn't want to look like complete boneheads for leaving the gear down (alarms should have gone off in cockpit), creating a ton of drag and noise, finally raised the gear and all quieted down. Doubt it. Quick story for a worried/concerned passenger. For the pilot to go into detail would have taken too much time, held up the de-boarding, and probably would have scared too many people.

There are plenty of possibilites, some reasonable, some highly unusual. So much depends on so many variables- plane, equipment, weather, speed, altitude, ...

Glad to see you made it.

Nick

 

[CajunCenturion]

I wonder if it could have been a temporary air-starvation effect?

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[WTKnow]

I think it was just pilot's way of not being able to say 'Pal! I didn't think we going to land'

 

[Sympology]

My sister was flying over Pakistan on a elastic band airline, when one of the engines started smoking badly. So the pilot shut it down.

Then the other started coughing and spluttering and the started smoking.

Along came the air hostess and uttered the reassuring words.

"It's very bad, you all pray now. Please pray, very bad situation"


The pilot kicked the first engine back inoto life and shut the other down and then bought that back. Thankfully they were ok after that...

The praying obviously owkred...

Only the truly stupid believe they know everything.
Stu.. 2004

 

[Sympology]

Myself, not quite on the plane, but whilst waiting in Toronto airport:

Our plane is 5 hours late departing when comes the news

"flight .... to Heathrow will be boarding shortly. We apologise for the delay. This was caused by engine problems which we belive are now fixed"

"..we BELIVE are now fixed". That is not very reasurring when just about to fly over a large expanse of water...

Only the truly stupid believe they know everything.
Stu.. 2004

 

[SantaMufasa]

That is not very reasurring when just about to fly over a large expanse of water

Frankly, I would be no more reassured if I heard that message prior to a flight from Tronno to LA either.

Mufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
[I can provide you with low-cost, remote Database Administration services: see our website and contact me via www.dasages.com]

 

[ncotton]

Flying back to Munchen sometime early this year, about half an hour away we had some very erratic moments and loud cracking noises....hummm...ok, i was really scared....especially when we are told

"Ladies and Gentleman, we are experiencing some engine difficulties. Please do not be alarmed"

when approaching the runway we were pitching and rising alot.... I look out of the window to see 9 fire engines and 6 ambulences racing towards the runway......

Is there something else he should be telling us.

Hope this Helps.

Neil J Cotton
njc Information Systems
Systems Consultant

 

[SantaMufasa]

As a side light to Neil's experience, I was an ambulance worker in one of the 41 ambulances lined up on the tarmac at San Francisco International Airport to greet the very first crash landing (in 1970) of a Boeing 474, heavily disabled during a badly executed over-the-Bay take-off of Pan Am's daily flight from SF to Tokyo...No fatalities amongst the heavily laden flight of nearly 400 passengers and crew, but several very bad injuries, including a leg amputation.

I won't bore anyone with details unless there is an interested aviation-history buff that wants to know more.

Mufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
[I can provide you with low-cost, remote Database Administration services: see our website and contact me via www.dasages.com]

 

[DataDog]

... of a Boeing 474

Hmmm never heard of a Boeing 474. You aren't a member of DAM (Mothers Against Dyslexia) are ya? Sorry, I couldn't help myself on that one Mufasa I sold Computer Aided Design Systems to Boeing Military Airplane Company in Wichita for years. They took a green 747 and outfitted them as Air Force One(s). (There's actually 2)

DataDog
"Failure Is Not An Option'

 

[SantaMufasa]

It's lysdexic to be Hell.

Mufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
[I can provide you with low-cost, remote Database Administration services: see our website and contact me via www.dasages.com]