Words of wisdom we've heard over Airline PA systems 18

[SantaMufasa]

I got such a laugh out of Golom's post in the "Speed vs. Velocity" thread:

In a few minutes we will be landing in <pick your favorite third-world city>
Please set your watches back 2,000 years.

...that I thought we needed to give some "air time" to other airline gems, without hijacking the other thread. One of my favourites:

"...Should we experience a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will appear above your head. Place the mask over your nose and mouth, and breathe normally. If you normally do not breathe normally, then breathe as you normally would when you normally do not breathe normally.

What others have you heard?


Mufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
[I can provide you with low-cost, remote Database Administration services: see our website and contact me via www.dasages.com]

 

[Olaf Doschke]

Hi all,

not a real one (obviously), but one of the best cartoons ever in the monthly cartoon of a german computer magazine:

Showing a passenger getting in panic on his seat, as he has the following message on his noteboom display:

New hardware device detected: "Airbus A310".
Would you like to install drivers? Y/N

Bye, Olaf.

 

[Olaf Doschke]

haha, "noteboom". this goes into my typo dictionary.

And obviously it should be pilots, not drivers. ;-)

Bye, Olaf.

 

[chiph]

"noteboom"

Only if you're using Sony batteries.

Chip H.


____________________________________________________________________
If you want to get the best response to a question, please read FAQ222-2244 first

 

[pinkgecko]

Saw a good Dilbert the other day - Dilbert is on the phone on an airplane. The caption says, "There are some people you should never call on an airplane" as Dilbert says "Hi, Jack!"

And a real life story from Delta. We were told to put all electronic devices away, including Blackberries, blueberries, huckleberries, and any other berries we might have brought on the flight.

 

[Gooser]

pinkgecko - I don't get it, who's Jack?

--Gooser

 

[flapeyre]

Hi, Jack" = hijack.

This really happened once, though it was a on private jet. A passenger opened the cabin door to say hi to the copilot while the pilot had his radio microphone keyed. The co-pilot's name was - you guessed it - Jack.

Security surrounded the plane as it landed.

Tibi gratias agimus quod nihil fumas.

 

[p5wizard]

Hi, jack - sounds like: Hijack

 

[Gooser]

How dumb am I?

I Ham Sofa King Reed Hard Head!

--Gooser

 

[Glenn9999]

For some reason, George Carlin's routine about language in the airport comes to mind on this one.

"it's not a near miss, it's a NEAR HIT!"

Among other classics

 

[philhege]

A number of years ago, I received a Word document in which was embedded a recording of public address announcements in Heathrow Airport. Two jokesters had sent extremely difficult-to-pronounce names to the airport paging service and recorded the results. The spoken names turned out to be risque phrases.

I wish I could post it but my 11-year-old hard drive just took a dumper. Does anybody recall this gag or have a copy of the recording? It's priceless.

Phil Hegedusich
Senior Programmer/Analyst
IIMAK

http://www.iimak.com

-----------
I'll have the roast duck with the mango salsa.

 

[p5wizard]

That is still around on the web (what isn't?) in numerous variations:

google for "airport prank"

a.o.

http://www.netjeff.com/humor/audio/AirportPrank.html

 

[jsteph]

Does anybody recall this gag or...

Sure--Robert DeNiro did it a couple of times on SNL, using some extremely risque 'names' that would've been edited from any prime-time broadcast. Extremely funny, especially coming from DeNiro.
--Jim

 

[ncotton]

Glenn, George Carlin is an absolute legend.

Here is a quick summary of some of the air travel gags he has made in the past.

"They say 'Get on the plane! Get on the plane'!......I say ' f**k you, I'm getting IN the plane!'. Let Evil Kneivel get ON the plane."

"as part of this boarding process, they say, "We would like to pre-board." Well what exactly is that, anyway? What does it mean to pre-board? To get on before you get on!"

" 'We would like to pre-board those passengers traveling with small children.' Well, what about those passengers traveling with large children? Suppose you have a 2-year old with a pituitary disorder. You know a 6 foot infant with an oversized head. The kind of kid you see in the National Enquirer all the time. Actually, with a kid like that, I think you're better off checking him right in with your luggage at the curb, don't you? Well, they like it under there, it's dark, they're used to that."

"When two planes almost collide, they call it a near miss. IT'S A NEAR HIT! A collision is a near miss. POOOF, look, they nearly missed. YES, BUT NOT QUITE!!!"

"They tell me to put my seat back forward. Well, I don't bend that way. If I could put my seat back forward, I'd be in porno movies."

" 'In the unlikely event of a sudden change in cabin pressure'--ROOF FLIES OFF! ' . . An oxygen mask will drop down in front of you. Place the mask over your face and breathe normally.' Well, I have no problem with that. I always breathe normally when I'm in a 600 mile an hour uncontrolled vertical dive. I also s**t normally. RIGHT IN MY PANTS!"

"They tell you to adjust YOUR oxygen mask before helping your child with his. I did not need to be told that. In fact, I'm probably going to be too busy screaming to help him at all. This will be a good time for him to learn self-reliance. If he can program his fucking VCR, he could goddamn, jolly-well learn to adjust an oxygen mask. Fairly simple thing, just a little rubber band in the back is all it is. Not nearly as complicated as say, for instance, a seatbelt."

" 'In the unlikely event of a water landing . . .' Well, what exactly is a water landing? Am I mistaken, or does this sound somewhat similar to CRASHING INTO THE OCEAN!?' "

" 'Before leaving the aircraft, please check around your immediate seating area for any personal belongings you might have brought onboard.' Well, let's start with immediate seating area--SEAT! It's a goddamn seat! Check around your seat! 'For any personal belongings.' Well, what other kinds of belongings are there, besides personal--public belongings? Do these people honestly think I might be traveling with a fountain I stole from the park. 'You might have brought onboard.' Well…….I MIGHT have brought my arrowhead collection--I didn't, so I'm not going to look for it! I am going to look for things I brought onboard, which seems to enhance my likelihood of finding something, wouldn't you say?"

"About this time, they tell you you'll be landing shortly. That sound to you like we're gonna miss the runway. Final approach is not very promising either, is it? Final is not a good word to be using on an airplane. Sometimes, the pilot will get on and he'll say, "We'll be on the ground in 15 minutes." Well, that's a little vague, isn't it? Now we're taxiing in, she says, "Welcome to O'Hare International Airport . . ." Well, how can someone who is just arriving herself possibly welcome me to a place she isn't even at yet? Doesn't this violate some fundamental law of physics? We're only on the ground for 4 seconds; she's coming on like the f**king mayor's wife! ". . . where the local time . ." Well, of course it's the local time. What did you think we were expecting--the time in Pango Pango? "

" 'Enjoy your stay in Chicago, or wherever your final destination might be.' All destinations are final! That's what it means, destiny-final. If you haven't gotten where you're going, you aren't there yet."

Hope this Helps.

Neil J Cotton
njc Information Systems
Systems Consultant

 

[Ladyazh]

I am crying, thanks ncotton.

 

[rjoubert]

Thanks ncotton...great way to wind down a Friday!

 

[Ladyazh]

Anybody rememember the old Shelly Berman routine about air travel: stewardess: "coffee, tea, or milk?" passenger: "look, we don't have TIME for coffee, tea, or milk...the entire wing is a sheet of flame.!!"
Stewardess: "Oh, well then, how about a martini?"

 

[MallardVHS]

Ladyazh,

Thank you so much for the memories!!

My folks have a collection (on vinyl, of course) of old radio humorists' broadcasts. Shelly Berman was certainly one ("humorist", not broadcasts). I can still recall the tone of her high-pitched, syrupy "Oh, well then, how about a MarTINI?"

Google "Stiller & Meara" for more oldsters...


Don

[green]Tis far easier to keep your duck in a row if you just have the one.[/green]

 

[Error7]

gbaughma, you're my hero !!! (4th Aug 06)

[gray]Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.[/gray]

 

[BJCooperIT]

Okay, folks, one last time -- please turn your cell phones off. If the person next to you is talking on their phone, smack 'em! That should teach them.

 

[ESquared]

I heard from a small-plane-pilot friend of mine that the reason one has to turn off cell phones on a commercial jet is not that they interfere with the operation of the plane, but that they cause a problem for the cell phone systems which have to negotiate which tower the phone should be using. When you're up in the sky, imagine how many towers you could be in contact with at the same time... it might be an exponential kind of network traffic problem. In a highly-populated area, there could be dozens of towers you reach. How do 50 towers decide amongst themselves which one you should use, and quickly?