Following on...best comedy lines or sketches 1

[Sympology]

A spin on the best Sitcoms thread...what are the best sektches or lines you know..

Amongst them has to be the lines from Blackadder goes forth.

Scene:
Blackadder is facing a courtmarshall. He's dim, side kick is called as a witness.
Goes along the lines of:

Blackadder, pulls Baldrick to oneside "Baldrick, deny everything"
"Are you Private Baldrick"
"No!"

"But you are Captain Blackadder's batman?"
"No."
"Oh, come on, Baldrick -- be a bit more helpful, it's me."
"No, it isn't."


Only the truly stupid believe they know everything.
Stu.. 2004

 

[RCorrigan]

Blackadder was full of great quotes :

Baldrick, you wouldn't recognize a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on a harpsicord singing 'subtle plans are here again'.

The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr. Brain has long since departed, hasn't he, Perce ?

He's mad. He's mad. He's madder than Mad Jack McMad the winner of last year's Mr Madman competition.

As a special reward, Baldrick, take a short holiday......... Did you enjoy it?

<Do I need A Signature or will an X do?>

 

[jebenson]

There was a short-lived American sitcom several years ago, I don't recall the name, but the premise is a woman - played by Loni Anderson - gets rich and her father moves in with her. In this one episode, the father gets a job because he doesn't want to take "charity" from his daughter. His job is in an ice cream shop, and one exhcange with a customer goes like this (paraphrased, because I don't rememberthe exact flavors of ice cream used in the bit):

Customer: "What's in the Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip ice cream?"

Father: "Peanut Butter and Chocolate Chips."

Customer: "What's in the Banana Walnut ice cream?"

Father: "Bananas and walnuts."

Customer: "What's in the Strawberries and Cream ice cream?"

Father: "Gasoline and bleach!"

I used to rock and roll every night and party every day. Then it was every other day. Now I'm lucky if I can find 30 minutes a week in which to get funky. - Homer Simpson

Arrrr, mateys! Ye needs ta be preparin' yerselves fer Talk Like a Pirate Day! Ye has a choice: talk like a pira

 

[mjldba]

Wish I could remember the exact dialogue but the Seinfeld episode where Kramer announced that he wasn't going to wear underwear anymore was a scream:

Jerry: You're not wearing underwear ... right now? So there's nothing between us but a bit of gaberdeen?

Kramer: I'm out there Jerr and I'm lovin' it.

Jerry: Personally, my boys need a home.


Also on Seinfeld, George explaining "shrinkage" to his girlfriend when she walks-in on him changing after swimming.

 

[sbudzynski]

Seinfeld

When george says (while motioning) "Whoa whoa whoa back it up, beep..beep..beep"
Jerry "beep beep beep?"

If anyone has seen that part then they will understand the extreme funnyness I experienced

----------

Steve Budzynski


"So, pass another round around for the kids. Who have nothing left to lose and for those souls old and sold out by the soles of my shoes"

 

[gbaughma]

You know, as one-liners go.... there's several memorable ones...

Futurama
Scene: Bender is caught "sleep bending" on security cameras
Fry: "Look Bender! It's that guy you are!"

Scene: The crew has gone to a 20th century theme park, where there is the pizza parlor Fry used to work at. A robotic fry is being spanked by a pizza paddle.
Fry: "I'll have you know that paddle wasn't only used to paddle my butt! It was also used for making pizzas and crushing rats!"

Scene: The crew is at Elzar's for what they thought was a complimentary meal
Hermes: "Look at all this! Jerked beef, jerked chicken, jerked pork, is there ANY meat this man can't jerk?"

M*A*S*H
Scene: Shots have to be given in the bum, Hawkeye has to give one to Margaret (Hotlips)
Hawkeye: (something like) "I'm a professional, Maragaret... I wouldn't say one word..." (margaret drops her pants) "However, if I *were* to, that word would be magnificent!"

(From the movie "Spaced Invaders" - there's SO many funny lines from this movie....)
Scene: Kathy is finding out where the alien ship has crashed
Kathy: "Hey, I know that place! That's the Wrenchmuller farm!" Alien: "Quick! Where do you grow your wrenchmullers?"

(From "Back to the Future" - Everyone remembers THIS line)
Doc Brown: If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 miles per hour... (pause)... You're gonna see some serious sh*t."

(From "Star Trek - The Next Generation")
Scene: Data is trying to do stand-up comedy
Guinan: "I think the problem is in your timing."
Data: "But my timing is digital!"

Worf: "Human females are just TOO fragile"
Riker: "Coming from anyone else, I'd think they were bragging."

Scene: Q has turned the entire crew into Robin Hood-esque characters
Worf: "I am *NOT* a merry man!"



Just my 2¢

"In order to start solving a problem, one must first identify its owner." --Me
--Greg

http://parallel.tzo.com

 

[CajunCenturion]

One of my favorite one-liners is from The West Wing:

"Three hundred IQ points between them, they can't find their way home. I swear to God, if Donna wasn't there, they'd have to buy a house."

--------------
Good Luck
To get the most from your Tek-Tips experience, please read FAQ181-2886
As a circle of light increases so does the circumference of darkness around it. - Albert Einstein

 

[mjldba]

I remember the dialogue but I can't remember if it's from the scene in the parking lot or when they return to the future.

Personally, I thought the "back to the future" scene (with lightening striking the clocktower to provide a gigawatt of power for time travel) should have been shot as a street racing scene with Marty McFly (MJ Fox) going mano-a-mano with Biff, it would have been appropriate for the time period.

 

[gbaughma]

mjldba: It's in the mall parking lot, with the dog in the car.... the first "1 minute into the future" experiment.

Meanwhile, I just found another GREAT futurama quote...

Scene: The crew has been out fishing, and they've snagged a huge fish, which is dragging the ship to the bottom of the ocean:
Professor: "Dear Lord, that's over 150 atmospheres of pressure!"
Fry: "How many atmospheres can this ship withstand?"
Professor: "Well, it's a spaceship, so I'd say anywhere between Zero and One."

... Now *THAT* is great, thought-provoking dialogue.



Just my 2¢

"In order to start solving a problem, one must first identify its owner." --Me
--Greg

http://parallel.tzo.com

 

[RCorrigan]

You have to have a Homer moment !!!!!!

Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend.


<Do I need A Signature or will an X do?>

 

[jebenson]

The problem with Homerisms is that if we start, we could quickly fill up all of the available space on the server, there are just so many.

Some of my favorites:

"I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, help me Superman!"

Homer, lamenting some perceived injustice, looks to the ceiling and shouts:

"Lord, why have you forsaken me!"

Marge: "Homer, that's not the Lord, that's a pancake that's stuck to the ceiling."

Homer: "Mmmmmm....sacrilicious!"

To Lisa: "So you're not going to eat any meat from any animals?"

Lisa: "No."

Homer: "Not bacon?"

Lisa: "No."

Homer: "Not sausage?"

Lisa: "No."

Homer: "Not pork chops?"

Lisa: "Dad, those are all form the same animal!"

Homer (sarcastically): "Riiiight, honey...some wonderful, magical animal!"


And of course, there's the quote in my signature.





I used to rock and roll every night and party every day. Then it was every other day. Now I'm lucky if I can find 30 minutes a week in which to get funky. - Homer Simpson

Arrrr, mateys! Ye needs ta be preparin' yerselves fer Talk Like a Pirate Day! Ye has a choice: talk like a pira

 

[sleipnir214]

The best comedy bit of all, to me, is Sam Kinnison's bit which end, "We have deserts in America. We just don't <expletive deleted> live in them."

Completely no-politically-correct. Hysterically over-the-top.



Want the best answers? Ask the best questions! TANSTAAFL!

 

[addy]

One of my favorite one-liners is from The West Wing:

"Three hundred IQ points between them, they can't find their way home. I swear to God, if Donna wasn't there, they'd have to buy a house."

One of my favourite episodes - I love the West Wing.

 

[sbudzynski]

Dane Cook - Kool Aid Sketch
Mitch Hedburn's - Duck's and Subway Sketch

Hilarious

----------

Steve Budzynski


"So, pass another round around for the kids. Who have nothing left to lose and for those souls old and sold out by the soles of my shoes"

 

[IknowMe]

Frank Barone (Everybody Loves Raymond) "I could of ate a box of Alpha-Bits and crapped a better interview than that!"

Wow, I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.

 

[donbott]

Carol Burnet as Scarlet O'Hara and responding to a compliment on her dress.

"I saw it in the window and I just had to have it"

DonBott

 

[SantaMufasa]

And then there is just about every line from "Princess Bride"...one of the best movies every put on celluloid.

You keep using that word? I do not think it means what you think it means...

[You can download the entire script of "Princess Bride" (as I did), if you want.]

Mufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
[I can provide you with low-cost, remote Database Administration services: see our website and contact me via www.dasages.com]

 

[DTSMAN]

The father in 'The 70's Show' to everyone- "Dumba@@".

Bo

Kentucky phone support-
"Mash the Kentrol key and hit scape."

 

[flapeyre]

The Carol Burnett Show - Tim Conway's bit about the Siamese elephants (joined at the trunk, and his description of them sneezing).

Johnny Carson's "Marmoset Moment".




Feles mala! Cur cista non uteris? Stramentum novum in ea posui!

 

[Gooser]

The Kids in the Hall did a sketch that revolved around two French Canadian Voyageurs who were trapping for men's--as opposed to beavers'--coats. They show various scenes with them paddling a birchbark canoe around a cubicle farm, collecting suit coats. Then they show a man with one leg chewed off, to which David Foley's character says, "No Jacques, let that one go, he has spirit"
The bit closes with a shot of the two voyageurs paddling down a [Toronto?] street in their coat-laden birchbark canoe and off into the sunset singing "Alueta..."

They also do an excellent bit surrounding some "Good F***ing Ham."

--Gooser