Wording help 1

[dgillz]

I am trying to get a customer to buy a small, already developed application to solve her business issue,and this sounds SO AWKWARD. Please let me know your thoughts on how to word this:

this application will help us to achieve AR Payment imports, much more quickly and cheaper than we could ever develop it.

Software Sales, Training, Implementation and Support for Macola, eSynergy, and Crystal Reports

http://www.gainfocus.biz

"What version of URGENT!!! are you using?

 

[GSCaupling]

It will be much quicker and less expensive to achieve AR Payment imports with this application than if we develop it ourselves.

Good luck!

 

[RCorrigan]

Using this application to import AR payments will be far more cost effective and quicker than trying to develop our own system.

HTH

<Do I need A Signature or will an X do?>

 

[KenCunningham]

Using this application will be cheaper, quicker and less risky than developing our own equivalent.

I want to be good, is that not enough?

 

[kjv1611]

Hmm, how about:

Cuz I sez so.

--

"If to err is human, then I must be some kind of human!" -Me

 

[tcsbiz]

How about:

this application will help us to achieve AR Payment imports much more quickly and cost effectively than a custom solution.

 

[SantaMufasa]

This application imports AR Payments quickly, correctly, and cost effectively. Building a solution costs time and money, and might take even longer to get it right.

Mufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
[I provide low-cost, remote Database Administration services: www.dasages.com]
“Beware of those that seek to protect you from harm. The cost will be your freedoms and your liberty.”

 

[cdogg]

Is the customer trying to convince her colleagues in this statement? If so, then here's my stab at it:

Choosing this application will enable us to import AR Payments in a swift, cost-effective manner that would be difficult to match if we were to develop a solution on our own.

[tab]

~cdogg
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Einstein
[tab][navy]For posting policies, click [/navy]here.

 

[Turkbear]

Hi,
If for a customer, your use of our seems a little odd..how about:

This application, which has been shown to meet your needs for AR payment imports, will be a more effective use of your resources then having a custom application built and tested.

To Paraphrase:&quot;The Help you get is proportional to the Help you give..&quot;

 

[kjv1611]

Turkbear, I'm not sure you need the commas, there in that sentence, at least in my opinion, on this day in September, when I'm posting on tek-tips, and while wearing clean socks.


--

"If to err is human, then I must be some kind of human!" -Me

 

[CajunCenturion]

==> I'm not sure you need the commas
I'm sure he does since it's a non-restrictive clause.

-----

This application saves both time and money compared to developing an in-house system towards our AR import needs.

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[LizSara]

The implementation of <existing application name> will not only be considerably cheaper then developing a bespoke system, but will also enable us to begin processing AR Payment imports almost immediately.

"Whoever battles with monsters had better see that it does not turn him into a monster. And if you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you." ~ Nietzsche"

 

[traingamer]

tcsbiz and GSCaupling have excellent responses.

Most of the others start with an uneeded passive voice clause.
These two are clear, consise and the easiest to follow.

Greg
People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use. Kierkegaard

 

[SantaMufasa]

Most of the others start with an uneeded passive voice clause.

I see only one case of passive voice:

...which has been shown...

The other grammatical issue that jumps out is the use of then where than is appropriate:

...more effective...then having...

...cheaper then developing...

Mufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
[I provide low-cost, remote Database Administration services: www.dasages.com]
“Beware of those that seek to protect you from harm. The cost will be your freedoms and your liberty.”

 

[AnotherHiggins]

I haven't seen this addressed yet - going back to the OP, I think the main reason it "sounds SO AWKWARD" to your ear is that you expect "more quickly" and "cheaper" to be parallel. The is, it should either be "more quickly and more cheaply" or "quicker and cheaper".

That change alone might not give you a perfect solution, but I suspect it sounds less awkward to you.

Santa, I was going to point out the 'then' vs. 'than' problem if you hadn't. That's a pet peeve of mine.

[tt]_____
[blue]-John[/blue][/tt]
[tab][red]The plural of anecdote is not data[/red]

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[traingamer]

Santa, you are correct about the passive voice. There was only one - my mistake.

Most of the examples are too wordy. They have distracting clauses rather than a simple subject and verb.

Another simple, to-the-point statement:

(Name of application) is effective, cheaper and faster to implement.

Simplify. Simplify. Simplify.

Greg
People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use. Kierkegaard

 

[CajunCenturion]

Great observation on the nonparallel structure anotherhiggins.

(Name of application) is effective, cheaper and faster to implement.

effective at what?
This simple sentence lacks sufficient reference to understand the context of the effectiveness.

cheaper and faster than what?
If you're going to use comparative adjectives (cheaper, faster), then you need to indicate the two things being compared.

It's great advice to simplify, but not at the expense of meaning.

I also don't think it's a good idea to mix the standard adjective effective with the comparative adjectives cheaper and faster.



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