...For you very punny people

[SantaMufasa]

It's been awhile since we had a Pun Fest:

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.


Mufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
“People may forget what you say, but they will never forget how you made them feel.

 

[flapeyre]

HEADLINE:

Precinct Toilet Stolen. Police Have Nothing To Go On.

-- Francis
There are laws to protect the freedom of the press's speech, but none that are worth anything to protect the people from the press.
--Mark Twain

 

[tcsbiz]

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Why would a nudist camp need a hole in the wall?

The police looked into a crime at a nudist came. When they got there, they couldn't see anything... there was one big cover up.

I feel guilty, this is too much like fun. Or, should I say, too much like pun?

I keep trying to do something about my procrastination but I keep putting it off until tomorrow.

 

[BadBigBen]

Why would a nudist camp need a hole in the wall?

so that non-nudist could take a peek...


Did you hear about the criminal, that fell asleep in the polic car? He could not resist a rest...

Ben
"If it works don't fix it! If it doesn't use a sledgehammer..."
How to ask a question, when posting them to a professional forum.
Only ask questions with yes/no answers if you want "yes" or "no"

 

[Annihilannic]

Heh, I blame my wife, they're her favourites.

How about the headline about the dwarven mystic escapee? (It's been posted before)

Annihilannic
[small]tgmlify - code syntax highlighting for your tek-tips posts[/small]

 

[flapeyre]

Actual headline in my local paper - it was a biography of Matt Groenig, The Simpsons creator, regarding his financial success:

Rolling in D'oh

-- Francis
There are laws to protect the freedom of the press's speech, but none that are worth anything to protect the people from the press.
--Mark Twain

 

[rasETL]

Went to see a Proctologist the other day. I was surprised to find the waiting room packed.
The receptionist said the Doctor was getting a little behind in his work.

 

[SkipVought]

Or the lady that backed into the electric fan. Disaster!

Skip,
[sub]
Just traded in my old subtlety...
for a NUANCE![/sub]

 

[rasETL]

My wife hurt her knee.
The Doctor asked where the injury was: her below knee or her high knee.

 

[BadBigBen]

Keeping in line...

Why was the tired knight's butt like a mythical beast? His A** was Dragon.

What would you get if you crossed a donkey with an owl? A smart a** which knows it all.



Ben
"If it works don't fix it! If it doesn't use a sledgehammer..."
How to ask a question, when posting them to a professional forum.
Only ask questions with yes/no answers if you want "yes" or "no"

 

[2ffat]

I see that B.C. comics has gotten in on this.



James P. Cottingham
[sup]I'm number 1,229!
I'm number 1,229![/sup]

 

[SamBones]

What would you get if you crossed a donkey with an owl? A smart a** which knows it all.

And of course we all know that a Smart A** is someone that makes Wise Cracks.

 

[BadBigBen]

if one out of nine people is such a wisecrack, now wouldn't that be asinine...

Ben
"If it works don't fix it! If it doesn't use a sledgehammer..."
How to ask a question, when posting them to a professional forum.
Only ask questions with yes/no answers if you want "yes" or "no"

 

[SkipVought]

How about Danny boy, in Hyde Park who loved to watch a well tuned London derriere.

Skip,
[sub]
Just traded in my old subtlety...
for a NUANCE![/sub]

 

[flapeyre]

Very good, Skip. I got that one:

Spoiler

The tune to "Danny Boy" is called "Londonderry Air".

-- Francis
There are laws to protect the freedom of the press's speech, but none that are worth anything to protect the people from the press.
--Mark Twain

 

[SamBones]

Just saw this one on FailBlog...

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with Star Wars. I told her, "May divorce be with you!"

 

[CajunCenturion]

My friend broke his arm last week. His doctor found it humerus.

--------------
Good Luck
To get the most from your Tek-Tips experience, please read
FAQ181-2886
Wise men speak because they have something to say, fools because they have to say something. - Plato

 

[SantaMufasa]

When we lived in the San Francisco Bay Area, I would carpool from my home in Danville, CA, with three other co-workers to Oracle's San Francisco Office. We travelled through the .7-mile (1.15-km) Caldecott Tunnel, which connects the east side of the East Bay Hills to the San Francisco Bay Basin.

All too frequently, halfway through the tunnel, my colleague's car would stall, causing a horrendous commute-time backup in the tunnel, an emergency tow from the tunnel-safety crew, and a hefty fine for stalling in the tunnel, (not to mention our embarassment from the jeers of other drivers as they passed us and our being very late to work).

The three others of us convinced him that getting his car fixed would be far less expensive than paying the obligatory fine. He took the car to the auto mechanic. He explained to the mechanic that it only seemed to stall when we were carpooling through the Caldecott.

The mechanic soon identified the problem, which he called: Carpool/Tunnel Syndrome.

Mufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
“People may forget what you say, but they will never forget how you made them feel.

 

[SkipVought]

A guy goes to the doctor with a chronic condition the he describes like this.

“Doc, I’ve been having this problem with my hands. Ever since I can remember, I was ambidextrous and I could even amaze my friends by writing simultaneously with both hands, forward and backward.”

“Well, just recently, I’ve begun to have a spasm in my hands. I’ll be writing, and all of the sudden, my hand tremmors and jerks around, maybe for 15 or 20 seconds. But then when it’s all over, I look down at my paper, and here’s the craziest thing doc: If I was writing with my left hand, my shaky hand has written something that I did yesterday, and if I was writing with my right hand, I write something, it turns out, that will do tomorrow!”

“What’s happening to me, doc?”

So the doctor carefully examines each of his hands and wrists. “Hmmmm? Seems that you just might have a tick in each wrist that manifests itself in this strange way. It’s not a very common syndrome. But the fact that each wrist displays a distinctly different result, is the most puzzling to me.”

“You see, each wrist has a different wrist tick syndrome. On the one hand, you have a histo wrist tic syndrome, while on the other hand, you have a future wrist tic syndrome.”


Skip,
[sub]
Just traded in my old subtlety...
for a NUANCE![/sub]

 

[hjgoldstein]

Before the fall of the Berlin wall, a couple in London were hosting an East German visitor Rudy by name.

The purpose of his stay was to improve his command of the English language.

One day, when the weather was less than clement, the lady of the household was trying to explain in English to her guest what was happening.

Her husband, knowing that the weather was one of the subjects already covered in the German's education said "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

It is time for pacifists to stand up and fight for their beliefs.

 

[BadBigBen]

Did you hear about the Guiness World Record attempt, by a Chinese Cuisine, to create the worlds heaviest soup? It was Won-Ton-Soup...

Gerome got fired at the coffee shop for coming to work in a T-shirt.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

Ben
"If it works don't fix it! If it doesn't use a sledgehammer..."
How to ask a question, when posting them to a professional forum.
Only ask questions with yes/no answers if you want "yes" or "no"