...For you very punny people

[SantaMufasa]

It's been awhile since we had a Pun Fest:

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.


Mufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
“People may forget what you say, but they will never forget how you made them feel.

 

[BadBigBen]

Two friends meet and one of them says:"I've taught my dog how to speak English!"
"That's impossible", says the other man."Dogs don't speak!"
"It's true! I'll show you." He turns to his dog, "How's the situation in England?"
The dog answers: "Rough, rough."

A man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder. He walks up to the bar and asks for a pint for himself and a half pint for Tiny, his lizard.
The barman looks a little taken aback but serves him and Tiny. Finally, curiosity gets the better of him;
Barman: Why do you call him Tiny?
Man: Because he's my newt.

Three tomatoes are walking down the street, a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. The baby tomato is lagging behind the poppa and momma tomato.
The poppa tomato gets mad, goes over to the momma tomato and stamps on him and says: catch up

Ben
"If it works don't fix it! If it doesn't use a sledgehammer..."
How to ask a question, when posting them to a professional forum.
Only ask questions with yes/no answers if you want "yes" or "no"

 

[Annihilannic]

After falling overboard while on an Egyptian river cruise, the tourist insisted he was perfectly sober. But he was in denial.

Annihilannic
[small]tgmlify - code syntax highlighting for your tek-tips posts[/small]

 

[hjgoldstein]

All the people in Paris are mad. Only the river is Seine

It is time for pacifists to stand up and fight for their beliefs.

 

[2ffat]

I have a friend who owns a horse ranch. He never stays the night there, however. He's afraid of night mares. He loves grooming the horses during the day, though. It's the mane event.


James P. Cottingham
[sup]I'm number 1,229!
I'm number 1,229![/sup]

 

[SkipVought]

The brothers buy a ranch, but cannot agree on the name for the ranch. They call on their dad, who asks them what they plan to do on the ranch. "Cattle," they answer. So he immediatly replys, "Focus. Name your ranch 'Focus', because,

focus is where the sons raise meat!" or.........

Skip,
[sub]
Just traded in my old subtlety...
for a NUANCE![/sub]

 

[CajunCenturion]

Skip - that requires parabolic thinking. Nice.

--------------
Good Luck
To get the most from your Tek-Tips experience, please read
FAQ181-2886
Wise men speak because they have something to say, fools because they have to say something. - Plato

 

[Andrzejek]

One hydrogen atom said to the other: “I lost one electron.”
“Are you sure?” said the other.
“Yes, I'm positive”


Have fun.

---- Andy

 

[N1GHTEYES]

CC: Making optical puns is nothing to Bragg about.

Tony

 

[CajunCenturion]

==> Making optical puns is nothing to Bragg about.
I hear you loud and clear, crystal clear.

--------------
Good Luck
To get the most from your Tek-Tips experience, please read
FAQ181-2886
Wise men speak because they have something to say, fools because they have to say something. - Plato

 

[mscallisto]

I have a tee shirt with this print:

A dog with a bandaged leg in a sling, walks into a saloon in the Old West and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

sam

 

[SkipVought]

I was just refracting in light of it all. It must be a refract of life. Just the refracts, ma'am.

Skip,
[sub]
Just traded in my old subtlety...
for a NUANCE![/sub]

 

[SantaMufasa]

All the people in Paris are mad.

Not only that...they are Parisites !

Mufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
“People may forget what you say, but they will never forget how you made them feel.

 

[SkipVought]

And the get plastered.

Skip,
[sub]
Just traded in my old subtlety...
for a NUANCE![/sub]

 

[N1GHTEYES]

I went to Paris for a tour. My mate said "Eiffel?"

I told him he should be more careful.

Tony

 

[CajunCenturion]

==> My mate said "Eiffel?"
Yes, I saw it all.

--------------
Good Luck
To get the most from your Tek-Tips experience, please read
FAQ181-2886
Wise men speak because they have something to say, fools because they have to say something. - Plato

 

[djj55]

Here is one I learned as a kid:

When is a door not a door, when it is ajar.

djj
The Lord is my shepherd (Psalm 23) - I need someone to lead me!

 

[DrB0b]

Hand over the calculator, friends don't let friends derive drunk

"You don't know what you got, till it's gone..
80's hair band Cinderella or ode to data backups???

 

[Annihilannic]

Where does a policeman keep his belly? Under a vest.

Where does a policeman keep his jelly? In custardy.

Annihilannic
[small]tgmlify - code syntax highlighting for your tek-tips posts[/small]

 

[N1GHTEYES]

The policeman's wife's a demon. He first encountered her on a trip to Hades. They were hell-met.

The Chief Inspector was a big fan of fine art, but he was chastised for fraternisation. It seems he was a bit too fond of Constables.

In the police station one day, there was a big debate about the Afghanistan conflict. Views were mixed, but everybody spoke passionately about it, except Fred. He had no arresting war rant.

Annihilannic - what have you started?

Tony

 

[BadBigBen]

to go with the current trend:

1000 pairs of underwear were stolen, police were making a brief enquiry.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

The state police highway officer worked tirelessly in the heavy rain to assist a lady whose car was stuck in a ditch. He was a real trooper.

The guy who draws pictures of suspects is a con artist.


Ben
"If it works don't fix it! If it doesn't use a sledgehammer..."
How to ask a question, when posting them to a professional forum.
Only ask questions with yes/no answers if you want "yes" or "no"