Shaggy Dog Stories 11

[SkipVought]

Shaggy Dog Stories are very, very long drawn out tales with a punch or fizzle line. It is really more effectively delivered verbally, than in written form because, like in any "joke," the interaction with your audience, the buildup, letdown, groans etc., are all part of the experience.

So make your story here,concise rather than too drawn out. The gentle reader will glean what they will and embellish at will.

A farmer's crop of cotton in Mississippi, was being devoured by a blight of Bowl Weevils. A traveling salesman hears of the problem and tries to sell the farmer a 1965 Morgan with the promise that by simply driving this amazing vihicle with a wooden frame, though the cotton field, he could completely eradicate the affliction of dredded Bowl Weevils. The farmer balked at such an absured idea, but, to make a long story short, finally capitulated and purchased the conveyance, drove it through the field and, low and behold, these awful pests were finally gone, proving, once again...

the power of WOOD over WEEVIL.

Skip,
[sub]
[red]Be advised:[/red]
Alcohol and Calculus do not mix!
If you drink, don't derive! [/sub]

 

[Lightning]

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
"Are you sure?", said the other.
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

 

[GHolden]

A man is walking down a county lane one winter’s day when he comes upon a farmer looking into his field of cows. The farmer looks very worried, so the man stops to see if he can help. The farmer explains that due to the weather being so cold, all his cows had frozen solid. This means that he can't milk them, he'll have no milk to sell, and therefore his family will go hungry.
The man is very concerned and suggests to the farmer that if he could use the farmers phone, he has a friend who may be able to help. The farmer agrees, and a short while later this little old lady turns up. Without saying anything the old lady goes out into the field and, as she walks past each cow, it instantly comes back to life.
After a few minutes all the cows are back to normal and the old woman has disappeared.
The farmer is overjoyed, but insists on knowing the old lady’s name.
Oh, says the man, that's just my friend Thora Herd.

There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.

 

[ESquared]

This guy walks into a pub and half his head is a big orange. He says: 'I'll have a pint of lager, please.' And the barman says: 'Excuse me, I couldn't help noticing, but half your head appears to be a big orange.' And the boy goes: 'Yeah, had that for a while now.'

So the barman says: 'How did that come about, if you don't mind me asking?' And the boy says: 'I was in this old junk shop when I found a lamp and when I gave it a rub this genie appeared.

He offered me the standard three wishes, and I said: 'For my first wish, I'd like every woman I ever meet to fall madly in love with me.' So the genie waves his genie hands and suddenly there's women looking at me. Then the genie says: 'What will your second wish be?' I said: 'I'd like a wallet with £1million in it, and I can never lose it, it can't be destroyed, and every time I spend any of the money, it'll be replenished.' And the genie says: 'Your wish is granted. Now, what will your third wish be?' So I said: 'For my third wish, I'd like half my head to be a big orange.'

-------------------------------------
There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who know binary, and those who don't.

 

[GHolden]

A man is walking down the road, when he sees a building on fire with a distraught woman standing outside. The woman begs for the mans assistance as her young son is still inside but the smoke is so thick she can't find him. The man walks up towards the building and in a single breath sucks all the smoke from the building into his lungs, turns round and blows it all up into the air. With the building now clear the man runs in and rescues the boy. The woman can't belive what she has just seen, 'How did you do that' she asks. 'It's easy say's the man, I used to collect farm machinery'. Confused, the woman say's 'I still don't see how that helps?'. 'Well, I'm an Ex-tractor Fan'

There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.

 

[ESquared]

I don't want to spend the time to shorten this one. Suffice it to say, you can skim to the end.

A young man (let's say he was 8 years old, though history does not specify) was on his way to school one day. As he was strolling merrily along, admiring the beauty of an early spring day, he happened to overhear a couple of slightly older girls talking. The conversation revolved around a purple feather. Now, of course the young man knew what a purple feather was, but in the context of this particular conversation (again, history does not specify the context), the girls could not possibly be referring simply to a feather that was purple. So he stopped and asked them....

"Excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear your conversation." He was a very polite little boy. "Would you mind telling me what a purple feather is?"

The girls giggled to each other. Then the taller of the two said, "Why don't you ask your teacher?"

So the boy continued on his way to school. When he got to school, he contained his excitement until recess, which he felt was the proper time to ask a non-school-related question.

"Teacher, I was on my way to school this morning when I heard these two girls talking about a purple feather. I was curious, so I asked them what a purple feather was, and they told me to ask my teacher. Teacher, what's a purple feather?"

The look on the teacher's face was one of (if you'll pardon the expression) shock and awe. When she finally found her voice, she said to the boy, "Young man, you're going to the principal's office!"

...

principal (expelled) -> mother (sent to room) -> father (kicked out of house) -> policeman (sent to jail) -> judge (sent to prison for 20 years)

all with lots of explaining of what has happened so far with many repeats of "purple feather."

...

As tends to happen in these stories, twenty years passed. The boy, now a young man, was free. As also tends to happen in these stories, he was still tormented by the question that caused him such trouble twenty years ago. He sat down in a bar to contemplate his ruined youth, and his next move.

The barman approached him. "What can I get....hey, why so glum, pal?"

The young man said, "Twenty years ago, I was on my way to school one day when I heard these two girls talking about a purple feather. I asked them what a purple feather was, and they told me to ask my teacher. I asked my teacher, and she sent me to the principal's office. I asked the principal, and he expelled me from school! I asked my mom, and she sent me to my room. I asked my dad, and he kicked me out of the house! I asked a policeman, and he threw me in jail. I asked the judge, and he sentenced me to prison for twenty years! It seems to me all of this could have been avoided if someone would've just told me what a purple feather was."

The barkeep said, "Man, that's rough. Have one on the house." He poured a glass of beer for our protagonist. "Tell ya what, buddy. I heard about a purple feather. I can't say that I know what it is myself, but I heard that the whole story of the purple feather is spelled out just a couple blocks away."

The young man did a spit take. "Really?! Where?"

The bartender said, "Okay, you take a right here on Third, then you take the left fork - that's Morgan. You go four blocks down Morgan, 'til you get to Crane. Two blocks down Crane, there's a five-story brown building on the left. That's an office building. Go to suite 213, and you'll have your purple feather."

The man was much too excited to finish his beer. He tipped the barman handsomely, and left the bar. He went right on Third. He came to the fork. He took the left fork. He turned on Crane. He could see the five-story brown building two blocks away. He got excited. He began to run. He crossed Oakwood against the light, and was hit by a car. He died on the way to the hospital.

Moral of the Story: Look both ways before you cross the street.

-------------------------------------
There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who know binary, and those who don't.

 

[SkipVought]

E[sup]2[/sup]

The Purple Feather Story is the PURE ESSANCE of a Shaggy Dog Story! What an investment and letdown!

GHolden,

Thora Herd? I'm afraid that falls into the three-L-lama category -- regional accent must be understood???

But I LOVED the Ex Tractor Fan!

Skip,
[sub]
[red]Be advised:[/red]
Alcohol and Calculus do not mix!
If you drink, don't derive! [/sub]

 

[GHolden]

Skip,

Didn't think... 'Thora Herd'... it's a UK thing.



There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.

 

[SkipVought]

Hester, the hissing snake:

Best told in a constant, increasingly driving manner, seemingly without a breath.

Hester was a little snake. Hester loved to hiss everywhere he went. Hester was hissing and hissing in his own pit when his mother came out and said, "Hester, stop hissing in our pit. Go over to Mrs. Pot's pit and hiss."

So Hester went over to Mrs. Pot's pit and began hissing and hissing. Mrs. Pot came out and asked, "Hester! Why are you hissing in my pit?" So Hester said, "Well, Mrs. Pot, I was hissing and hissing in my pit, so my mother came out and said, 'Hester, stop hissing in our pit. Go over to Mrs. Pot's pit and hiss.' So I stopped hissing in our pit and came over to your pit to hiss." So Mrs. Pot said, "Stop hissing in my pit and go home to your own pit to hiss!"

So Hester went back to his own pit and began hissin and hissing. Hester's mother came out and said, "Hester! Why are you hissing in our pit. I told you to go over to Mrs. Pot's pit and hiss!" So Hester said, "I was in Mrs. Pots'spit, hissing and hissing, and Mrs. Pot came out and said, 'Hester! Why are you hissing in my pit?' So I said, 'Well, Mrs. Pot, I was hissing and hissing in my pit, so my mother came out and said, "Hester, stop hissing in our pit. Go over to Mrs. Pot's pit and hiss." So I stopped hissing in our pit and came over to your pit to hiss.' So Mrs. Pot said, 'Stop hissing in my pit and go home to your own pit to hiss!' So I came back to our pit and began hissing and hissing."

[red]"Well!" his mother exclaimed, "I can remenber when Mrs. Pot didn't have a pit to hiss in!"[/red]

Skip,
[sub]
[red]Be advised:[/red]
Alcohol and Calculus do not mix!
If you drink, don't derive! [/sub]

 

[LFI]

Stop me if you heard this one...

Standard beginning where the traveling salesman's car breaks down and he remembers a farm house about a mile back. He walks there to use the phone.

The old farmer graciously agrees to let the saleman use the phone. "It's in the kitchen," says the farmer.

While the man is on the telephone, a pig comes into the kitchen, gets into a chair, puts his front two legs onto the table, and begins eating out of a bowl.

The man can't help but notice that one of the pig's legs is made out of wood.

So when the man has called his tow truck, he thanks the farmer and is about to head home. Before he leaves, though, curiosity gets the best of him and he asks the farmer:

"Pardon me, kind farmer. I couldn't help but notice your pig who eats at the table..."

"Oh that's one special pig!" says the farmer.

Here the farmer expounds three tales of how (1) the farmer had been trapped under his overturned tractor when the pig broke out of his pen, ran over, dug a pit around the farmer, and pulled him out; (2)the family had been sleeping when a fire started and the pig, sensing trouble, banged his snout on the farmer's window in time for everyone to get out safely; and (3) a thief had once broken into the house and was in the process of stealing family heirloom jewelry when the pig (now living inside the house) startled the thief and knocked him over, safely knocking him out until the police arrived. The family jewels were saved.

After each story, the man agrees that the pig is indeed special and tries to ask about the leg when the farmer starts in with the next story. "But that's not all!" the farmer keeps saying, before continuing with his long-windedness.

Finally, the farmer is done and the man has his chance. "That is amazing!" he agrees. "But, if I may ask, why does he have a wooden leg?"

"Oh," says the farmer. "Well... a pig like THAT... you don't eat him all at once!"

--Dave

 

[xaqster]

OK, here is a truly terrible one for you:

A Chap is off for a drive in the country when his car begins to make a wierd sound. Lots of spluttering and choking later, the car finally grinds to a halt. As is usual in situations like this, the chaps mobile phone has gone flat.

Having berated himself for not charging his phone, he decides to do the manly thing, and take a look at the engine himself. He opens the bonnett with impressive amounts of smoke and hissing noises, and begins to poke around under the bonnett. Whilst he is doing this, a horse wanderes over and puts its nose over the fence.

"The trouble is with the fuel injectors" says the Horse.
The man look round in surpries, but cannot see anyone. He goes back to the engine.
"I said the problem is with the fuel injectors" says the horse.
"I beg your pardon, are you talking to me?" Says the man.
"Yes, the trouble is in your fuel injection system." says the horse.

The man is clearly surpriesd by this, and runs to the farmhouse to see the farmer. When he gets there, the farmers wife answers the door, and asks him what is wrong. He tells her that he broke down, and a horse told him that the problem was with his fuel injectors.
"Was it a horse with a white nose and a grey patch round his left ear?" she asks.
"Yes, thats the one!" exclaims the man.
"Oh, don't listen to old Harvey" she says "He knows nothing about cars."

---

"I'm just here to regulate funkyness"

http://www.kerbside.net

 

[rasETL]

Here's one for all you Consultants...

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep".
"That is correct, take one of the sheep," said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
"OK, why not," answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant" said the shepherd.
"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You turned up here, although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business. Now give me back my dog".

 

[chessbot]

To continue in the style of the purple feather...
---------------------------------------
There once was a lady names Mrs. Pink. She lived in a pink house with a pink roof, pink walls, pink windows, a pink door, pink carpeting, and pink pictures on the wall. One day she sat in her pink living room with the pink walls and the pink ceiling and the pink floor in her pink armchair with pink cushions and pink arms. She heard her pink doorbell. She walked through her pink hallway with the pink walls and the pink ceiling and the pink pictures on the walls and the pink floor and the pink lights to her pink door with a pink doorknob and opened it. Outside stood Mr. Green. Mr. Green was wearing a green suit with green pants and a green tie and a green suit and a green hat and green shoes and holding a green cane in one hand. He said, "Can I stay for the night?" Mrs. Pink assented. So she lead Mr. Green through the pink hall with the pink ceiling and the pink floor and the pink walls and the pink pictures on the walls and the pink lights and the pink side table to the pink staircase with the pink steps and a pink railing and pink lights, up to a pink room with pink carpeting and a pink bed and pink pillows on the bed and a pink closet and pink windows and said, "You can sleep here for tonight." Mr. Green put down his green suitcase and sat down on the pink bed with pink pillows and a pink blanked. Mrs. Pink closed the pink door with the pink doorknob, went back down the pink staircase with the pink stairs and the pink railing and through the pink hall with the pink ceiling and the pink floor and the pink walls and the pink pictures on the wall and back to her pink chair with the pink cushions.


Continue with Ms. Red, Mr. Blue, Mr. Yellow, Ms. Black, etc.


That morning, Mrs. Pink woke. She had slept in her pink bed with pink pillows and a pink blanket. She left the room and went down to her [pink] kitchen [etc]. Ms. Red, Mr. Blue, Mr. Yellow, Ms. Black, etc. were already there. She asked, "How many people want coffee and how many want tea?" Mr. Green, Mr. Yellow, and Ms. Black wanted coffee. The others wanted tea.

Moral: More people like coffee than tea.


Sounds much better spoken though. (pinkhallwiththepink ceilingandthepinkfloorandthepinkwallsandthepinkpictureson thewallsandthepinklightsandthepinksidetable...)

--Chessbot

There is a level of Hell reserved for probability theorists in which every monkey that types on a typewriter produces a Shakespearean sonnet.

 

[mudskipper]

Okay, okay...this is long, but hear me out!

This one works better with an accomplice. Your friend (in my case, it was my brother) tells you to relay to the group of people what you did to the cat when you were little. If you protest too much, then any group of people will naturally want to hear it—this creates an environment in which they really want to believe your story. Just trust me on this one—this works well, and is great for 5 groans, 3 laughs, and 1 person that doesn’t get it.

And here it is (don’t forget to act like you don’t want to finish the story—your accomplice should prod you along):

I was playing with the cat in the garage when I was in third grade. We were in the garage, and I was chasing it all over. *I* was having fun, but the cat was pretty frustrated. I had opened the big chest freezer and put the cat in. It kept trying to jump out, and I was blocking it (at this point, wave your hands around either side of yourself like you’re trying to block a basketball player’s pass).

Anyway, I heard my mom’s car driving up the road towards the house, and before the garage door started to open, I stopped messing with the cat—but he wouldn’t jump out of the freezer! I panicked, and I just shut the top of the freezer. I figured that I would sneak back out there after Mom settled into her chair and let the cat out.

After a few hours, my mom went to make dinner. As soon as I heard her go out to the garage towards the freezer, I knew that I was in for it—but that didn’t stop me from almost peeing myself when I heard my mom’s scream!! I just heard this (kind of funny) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

The cat wasn’t COMPLETELY frozen—but it was more like he refused to move at all. We lifted him out of the freezer and set him on the floor. He looked like he was just standing normally on the garage floor (only with a “what the hell” look on his face). It was like he tensed all his muscles up and refused to unlock them!

My mom was SO freaked out, that she didn’t even yell at me. She immediately called the veterinarian’s office. After getting the details, I guess that the vet said that this is actually not too bad of a problem. He told us to put a capful of hard liquor into the cat’s mouth, and this will stimulate the blood flow (as well as make the cat calm down).

We didn’t keep anything like that in the house, so my mom asked the vet if the cat could last 15 minutes or so until she could get back from the store. He told her that we could get a similar effect by giving the cat ethanol!

So we took a little bit of gas in an eye dropper and put 2 drops into the cats mouth…..the cat suddenly jumped into the air, turned, went right out the open garage door, and RAN halfway down the block. Next, he just stopped and fell over......................we figure that he ran out of gas.

Like I said—mostly groans, a couple laughs, and one person (usually a blonde) asks if the cat was okay.

Mudskipper
-----------------
Groucho said it best- "A four year-old child could understand this!
Quick! Run out and find me a four year-old child: I can't make heads nor tails out of this!"

 

[dgillz]

There was a Major League baseball pitcher by the name of Mil Famee. Mil would always drink beer in the dugout when he was not on the mound.

In one particularly important game, which went into extra innings, and Mil was starting to feel the effect of the beer a bit.

On the first batter of the 11th inning, Mil pitches 4 straight balls to walk the player. He proceeded to walk the next 2 players, loading up the bases. With the bases loaded Mil Famee pitches:

Ball One
Ball Two
Ball Three
Ball Four

And of course his team loses the game.

In the locker room after the game the manager of the wining team has one can of beer in is hand that Mil Famee had not drunk yet. He held it up to the sports media and said:

"This is the beer that made Mil Famee walk us".

Software Sales, Training, Implementation and Support for Exact Macola, eSynergy, and Crystal Reports
askdon@srhconsulting.com

http://www.srhconsulting.com

 

[Rieekan]

Not a very good one, but it is a groaner.

-------------

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.

 

[BobRodes]

Once there was a small abbey in France. The friars grew their own food and lived a simple life. Then one day, one friar decided that he was going to grow flowers instead. He grew them and sold them in town, making considerable profit. The abbey began to fall into an easier lifestyle, and it was not long before they became corrupted in the ways of the flesh.

The head of the order sent his most spiritual friars to attempt to turn the friars back to the strait paths of their vows, and each time, the spiritual friars fell into the corruption of the abbey.

Finally, the head of the order sent his greatest friar, one Father Hugh. Father Hugh came to the abbey, and miracle of miracles, the friars pulled up all the flowers and burned them, planted wheat and so on, and went back to their altruistic center.

The moral of the story is:

Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

 

[BobRodes]

Then there was the friary in Michigan. Every morning the abbott would get all the friars together in congregation. There he would sing
"Good morning, dear brothers."
To which they would respond
"Good morning, dear abbott."
This went on for years and years, until one day a new friar thought he might make a change. So, one morning, the abbott got everyone together as usual, singing as usual
"Good morning, dear brothers."
To which, they all responded
"Good morning, dear abbott."
Except the new friar, who sang
"Good evening, dear abbott."
Surprised, the abbott looked around, then broke into song:
"SOMEONE CHANTED EVENING..."
(sung to the tune of...well, you know what it's sung to the tune of.)

 

[BobRodes]

The Flying Santorini Brothers were the star trapeze act of the circus. As a finale, they did the "levitation act", wherein one of the brothers hung for so long in midair that it really looked like he was levitating.

Unfortunately, this brother had some difficulty with the bottle. One day, before the act was to begin, he got severely drunk. When he turned up missing, one of the other brothers went to look for him, finding him in a drunken stupor in his trailer. He went back and informed the MC of this state of affairs.

The MC made an announcement to the audience, saying that unfortunately, the levitation act had to be canceled because

"He who levitates is sauced.

 

[jebenson]

There were once two racehorses named Lightning and Thunder, who just happened to be brothers. They both were owned by the same man, and both ran in the same races. And, just as in nature, Thunder always followed Lightning. Sometimes he would place or show, but he never won a race, and Lightning always crossed the finish line before him.

Thunder had no problem with this, until one day he overheard his owner talking with another man.

"If Thunder doesn't start winning, I'll have to send him to the glue factory."

Thunder ran to Lightning and told him what had been said. Thunder was very distraught.

"I'm doomed! I've tried and I just can't win! What will I do?"

"Don't worry," said Lightning. "I'll help and you'll win the next race."

The day came for the next race, and when the gates flew open Lightning immediately ran into the lead.

"What is he doing?" thought Thunder. "Did he forget that I need to win this race?"

Then Thunder noticed that Lightning was getting in the way of the other horses, shouldering them aside and slowing them down. For the first time ever, Thunder was able to take the lead. All was going well, and Thunder was about to win, when just before Thunder crossed the finish line Lightning ran into the lead and won the race.

After the race, as Lightning was in the winner's circle, Thunder was being led onto a truck to be taken to the glue factory.

"Why, Lightning, why?" Thunder called, until the doors slammed shut and the truck drove off.

A dog who had witnessed the whole affair went to Lightning and asked, "Yeah, Lightning, why? Thunder was your brother! Do you need to win so much that you would condemn your own brother to death rather than lose a race? What do you have to say for yourself?"

Lightning looked down and said, "Oh my God! A talking dog!"

----------------------------------------

I used to rock and roll every night and party every day. Then it was every other day. Now I'm lucky if I can find 30 minutes a week in which to get funky. - Homer Simpson