Shaggy Dog Stories 11

[SkipVought]

Shaggy Dog Stories are very, very long drawn out tales with a punch or fizzle line. It is really more effectively delivered verbally, than in written form because, like in any "joke," the interaction with your audience, the buildup, letdown, groans etc., are all part of the experience.

So make your story here,concise rather than too drawn out. The gentle reader will glean what they will and embellish at will.

A farmer's crop of cotton in Mississippi, was being devoured by a blight of Bowl Weevils. A traveling salesman hears of the problem and tries to sell the farmer a 1965 Morgan with the promise that by simply driving this amazing vihicle with a wooden frame, though the cotton field, he could completely eradicate the affliction of dredded Bowl Weevils. The farmer balked at such an absured idea, but, to make a long story short, finally capitulated and purchased the conveyance, drove it through the field and, low and behold, these awful pests were finally gone, proving, once again...

the power of WOOD over WEEVIL.

Skip,
[sub]
[red]Be advised:[/red]
Alcohol and Calculus do not mix!
If you drink, don't derive! [/sub]

 

[AngelB]

Sorry if I'm jumping in unannounced here, but I couldn't find a way of requesting membership! I love this thread - here's another one for you.

A young man lives alone. He has no family, no friends and a very boring job. His one pleasure in life is when, once a year, the circus comes to town. He always books his ringside seat months in advance and waits in anticipation for the summer when the trucks will arrive and the tents will be erected.

This year there is a new act in the circus called Bobo the Clown. The young man loves the clowns and can't wait for this part of the show. When it comes around Bobo is no disappointment, getting custard pies in the face and water down his oversized trousers. The man is surprised when Bobo aproaches him with a microphone. With a huge smile on his painted face Bobo asks the man 'Are you the front end of an ass?' Nervously the man replies 'No'. Bobo then asks 'Are you the back end of an ass?' Again the man replies 'No'. Bobo's reply is 'Well, you must be no end of an ass then!' The audience erupts into laughter, and sheepishly, the man laughs along with them. He heads home after the show feeling elated that he was part of the show, but a little sad that there was so much laughter at his expense.

Continue the circus visits for as many years as you like, with Bobo telling the same joke with the man every year, and the man getting more and more dispondent until--

The man gets so depressed after one performance that he decides to run away. He has no-one who loves him, nothing to stay for and the whole population of the town are laughing at him. He runs across fields and jumps fences with tears in his eyes. His vision is blurred and he doesn't notice he is fast approaching a river. He stumbles and falls into the water and is knocked unconcious by a rock.

When he comes round he is lying on the grass, out of the water and is surrounded by tiny little gnomes. He thanks them for saving his life and they ask what he was running from. (You can relay almost the whole story here again if you like, just to stretch it out a bit more). They say they will take him to meet the Master of Sarcasm and Wit. He will know what to do. So they cross many more fields and fences until the gnomes all stop, hold hands and float upwards taking the man with them. They arrive at a large castle and the man is taken to a throne room, where a little old man is seated. The story is explained again, and the old man says that since he is nearly at death's door he will train the young man to be the new Master of Sarcasm and Wit so that he can return to the circus and lay down Bobo with a vicious retort. The training takes many months, but in the end it is all worth it. The man as more clever sayings and insults in his head than anyone on the planet. He thanks the gnomes and leaves.

He goes home and books his circus ticket for the next summer. The show comes round and the man takes his front row seat, his heart hammering in his chest, knowing that somewhere in his head is the perfect comeback against Bobo. Bobo does his act, and then notices his favourite victim in the front row. He approaches the man with his microphone and huge smile. 'Are you the front end of an ass?' asks Bobo. 'No' replies the man calmly. Bobo asks 'Are you the back end of an ass?' Again the man replies 'No'. And Bobo says 'Well, you must be no end of an ass then!'

Before the laughter can start the man stands up, snatches the microphone from Bobo, looks him straight in the eye and says...

'Shove off Bignose'

Gez

 

[BIS]

Hallo,

Sorry to come crashing in like this. The following is not really a shaggy dog story, but seeing the forum is called wordplay, and that the world championship in darts is going on, I thought I would share this one.

Opposite the local pub there is a convent. One day, two of the nuns decide to go to the pub to see what its all about. As they enter the pub, they see a bunch of people watching a game of darts, so they decide to have a look as well.
The person throwing the darts looks very concentrated. The first dart he throws hits the tripple twenty. The second dart just misses and lands in the single twenty. The third dart hits the wire, bounces of and unfortunately hits one of the nuns - who is so surprised that she falls down and dies.
The caller promptly declares: "One nun dead and eightyyyyyy"

 

[SkipVought]

Thomas Alva Edison was a avid fisherman, although, in his prime, he rarely found time to engage in angling.

However, at this juncture, he managed to escape for a few days to an Indian Reservation in Wyoming.

The first night, he visited the restroom, and found it bereft of illumination. So he determined to enlighten the john, by installing power and light.

And became, by so doing, the very FIRST American to…

wire a head for a reservation. Ba-da-BOOM!


Skip,
[sub]
[red]Be advised:[/red] Researchers have found another Descartes trueism, "Cogito ergo spud."
"I think; therefore, I YAM! [/sub]

 

[TTF]

OK, let me try:

Mama's Bible

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me and expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

 

[RCorrigan]

A lion was prancing through the jungle one day, roaring at the top of his voice for all to hear: "I am king of the jungle, for my mighty strength and lion-like prowess strikes fear into all other creatures!"

An eagle lands on a nearby tree branch and says, "Not so fast, Leo buddy!" the eagle calls. "For it is *I* who is the rightful king of the jungle, as my wings enable me to attack from above, and my beak and talons rip my victims to shreds!"

Whereupon a skunk walks calmly out of the trees. Approaching the ferocious feline and fearful flighted one, he meekly says, "You're BOTH wrong! Needing neither fight nor flight, I disable my would-be opponents
most skillfully! Wanna sniff?"

And the three animals engage in a heated argument over who is the rightful king of the jungle. While they argue, oblivious to their surroundings, a huge grizzly bear walks up and eats them all - hawk, lion, and stinker.


<Do I need A Signature or will an X do?>

 

[RCorrigan]

One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies,

"Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger."

The owner replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?"

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny."

To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?"

"No son, I want this color."

"But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.

By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.

The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"



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[flapeyre]

An eminent biologist was on a tropical island doing some research. He had noticed that dolphins who ate seagulls had a much longer lifespan than normal. So, on the island, he set a trap for the birds and waited.

Soon, his trap, inside a cave, yielded two birds. He removed the gulls, placed them in a sack, and began to walk out of the cave, but blocking the entrance was a large lion, fast asleep.

He gingerly stepped over the sleeping cat without waking it.

He then was confronted by a policeman. The cop said, "You're under arrest!"

"What's the charge?"

"Transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises!"

Me transmitte sursum, Caledoni!

 

[snuv]

This bloke has been out with a couple of mates and is walking home at about 2am when, all of a sudden around the corner, comes this big 'low loader' truck with an elephant chained on the low section.

Two blokes jump out, unchain the elephant and run it through the back of a large jewellery store, smashing a massive hole in the wall.

The bloke just stands there amazed at what is happening.
The gang run into the jewellers and come out again with all the loot, load up the elephant, and, with all the alarm bells ringing, the 'low loader' takes off like a rocket.

Two minutes later the law are on the scene and the bloke is still standing there, stunned.

"OK sir can you tell us exactly what happened here"
"Here I am just walking home quietly when this 'low loader' with an elephant on the back comes flying round the corner, two blokes jump out and undo the elephant and run it right through that brick wall"

"Been drinking, have we sir?"
"I beg your pardon but I don't drink, thank you."

"Alright sir, now lets get this straight, in your own words once again if you please,"
"I'm walking home, minding my own business, not having been drinking when all of a sudden this 'low loader' truck with an elephant on the back comes flying round the corner and two blokes unchain the elephant and run it right into that wall and then they rush in, grab all the loot, chain the elephant back on the truck and take off. I've never seen anything like it in my life"

"Well sir, in your own time and in your own words of course, do you think you could tell us, for the record, you understand, was this an African elephant or an Indian elephant?"
He said "How the hell do I know, it had a stocking over its head"


"If it could have gone wrong earlier and it didn't, it ultimately would have been beneficial for it to have." : Murphy's Ultimate Corollary

 

[RCorrigan]

A bloke has spent five years travelling all around the world making a documentary on native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on video. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well-earned pint of the local "amber nectar". He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project.

The Aborigine asks the bloke what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."

The bloke's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?"

"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?"

"Umm. I got a Corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"

"No no, not Corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than Corroborree."

"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."

"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

"OK mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles till you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving. You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk three days 'til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After two days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains. Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take two, maybe three days to get through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for four days till reach big huge rock - 20 feet high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for two days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance."

So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. It's is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snail's pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.

He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before.

True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream.

The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.

When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they virtually stagger into the village, where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.

Once he's recovered enough, the bloke goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film their Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."

"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

"Not till next year."

"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"

"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year."

The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilisation and back home.

The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong.

Heavy rains have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree. They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm that rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It'd be sheer suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.

Then, before they have travelled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle really badly, which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the village.

Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been travelling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon.

"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the bloke. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"

The chief recognises him and says: "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid as dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins. Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire.

A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike, as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the bloke, and he whispers to the chief: "What's he doing?"

"Hush," whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.

The bloke is becoming caught up in the fervour of the moment himself. This is it. He now realises beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.

The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing...

"You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about..."


<Do I need A Signature or will an X do?>

 

[BobRodes]

So, Hopalong Cassidy buys a new pair of boots. After styling around town to many admirers, he wakes up the next morning to find them chewed beyond all repair. Furious, he goes out in search of the perpetrator. He runs into Roy Rogers, who allows as how he noticed a cat skulking guiltily out of Hopalong's bungalow that night. He says he could identify the cat if he saw it again. Hopalong brings a cat to Roy. "Nope," says Roy, "this cat had kind of yellow and black fuzzy markings." This goes on for most of the day, each cat beginning to look more and more like Roy's description. Finally, as the sun is setting, Hopalong finds a cat that he is sure matches Roy's description exactly. Running up to Roy with it, he breaks into song....

"Pardon me Roy, is this the cat that chewed the new shoes?"
(etc)

 

[griffindm]

Two strings go into a bar and ask for a drink. The bartender tells them "we don't serve strings in here! Get out!" After repeating this in several bars (string your listeners along), one of the strings ties himself in a loop and makes his top all loose and shaggy.

The bartender looks at him and asks him if he is a string. His answer:




wait for it






"I'm a Frayed Knot".

'Bitta BOOM'


The Decision Support Group
Reporting Consulting with Cognos BI Tools
&quot;Magic with Data&quot;
Want good answers? Read FAQ401-2487 first!

http://www.decisionsupportgroup.com

 

[CajunCenturion]

SEX from a childs view

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple of secs."

Good Luck
--------------
To get the most from your Tek-Tips experience, please read FAQ181-2886
As a circle of light increases so does the circumference of darkness around it. - Albert Einstein

 

[SF0751]

Almost the same.....

A little boy came home from school and asked his mother; "Mom, where did I come from?"

His mother's heart sank that the dreaded time to discuss the birds and the bees had arrived. Nonetheless, she summoned up her courage and sat her son down and gave him a long and very thorough (and correct) lecture about sex.

Her son listened with growing puzzlement. His mother asked: "Do you understand now where you came from?" The little boy replied: "I'm not sure, Mom. My friend Danny said he came from Cleveland".


Susan
"Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example." - Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson (1894)

 

[SilentAiche]

This doesn't qualify as a Shaggy Dog, but it's kinda funny, and most all, it's absolutely true:

In college, my friends and I made up a game of "dinner table chess." It went like this: After a group of us got through with our meals in the cafeteria, someone would start the game against another player by moving one of the opponent's utensils, glasses, plates or bowls. The opponent would study the situation intently and then make a counter move, perhaps placing a knife across a drinking glass.

Naturally, at such an odd sight, a small crowd would gather. The players continued to make completely random and mindless moves, all the while pretending there was a strategy and end-goal to the madness. The rest of us at the table would cheer them on, or call for the next game against the winner. Or, my favorite, let the players know if a "rule" had been violated (e.g., "Utensils can't touch one another if the drinking glass is empty.") 2nd favorite- yelling "ooh, ooh" like you've spotted a great move that neither player has seen yet.

After a bit (the games didn't tend to last long), one player would make a final amazing move and yell "Checkmate!" The loser would act mad, and the rest of us would say things like "I'd have never thought of that last move" or "You could have had him two moves ago if you had turned over the bowl AND the spoon." The crowd would shuffle off, not quite sure what to think.

Try it for yourself!

THanks,
Tim

 

[RCorrigan]

Two French Legionnaires in the desert have been separated from their unit and they are lost.

They have been wandering for several days without food and water and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration. As they reach the top of a sand dune they see a big, bustling market laid out before them.

Naturally they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage. As they draw closer they can hear the stallholders' cries and they eventually reach the market and realize that it's really there.

So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stallholder, "Stallholder, we have been travelling in the desert for many days and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us. Tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?"

The stallholder shook his head and replied "I'm sorry, French legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly topped with custard and cream and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake."

The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, "Mister purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been travelling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon unless you can sell us some skins of water."

The stallholder looked at them embarressed, and confessed "Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me. All I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top. There," he said, pointing out the glace cherry. "I cannot help you."

The legionnaires look at each other in desparation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, "Look, mate,we need water or we will die. We have been travelling without water for days and we need some now. Do you have any you can sell us?"

The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, "Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration."

The legionnaires were really worried by this point and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives. Each stallholder gave the same reply: all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake.

Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun.

As they did so, one turned to the other and said, "That was really odd, a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake."

The other turned to face his companion and replied, "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar."



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