Punography 5

[rjoubert]

I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.

 

[djj55]

What about "Dewey, Burnham, and Howe"

djj
The Lord is my shepherd (Psalm 23) - I need someone to lead me!

 

[SkipVought]

I dropped out of Communism 101, due to lousy Marx!

When you vary the pitch of your voice while speaking in a department meeting, is that staff inflection?

In Britain, do they have a kidney bank or a liver pool?

If you hold the philosophies of Rene Descartes in higher esteem than the theories of Jan de Horst, then you place Descart before de Horst.

Skip,
[sub]
Just traded in my old subtlety...
for a NUANCE![/sub]

 

[maybeimaleo]

See the deer? Has the deer a little doe? Yeah, two bucks!"
"Hey, he looks like a V-8! Have you ever heard of a V-5? No, is it an new car? No, it's a old sock! (smack!)"
"I'm in an aweful dillema!, Yeah, I don't care much for these foreign cars either."
""Boy you sure are umday. You mean I'm umday in pig language? Your umday in any language!"

 

[hjgoldstein]

Or, as the Cockney described the Suffolk Punch to the Apis Mellifera shortly after the end of April:

May bee, it's a big horse - I'm a Londoner

Aspiring to mediocrity since 1957

 

[SamBones]

I thought it was "Dewey, Cheathem, and Howe".

 

[djj55]

So did I until I read the link which is the one I found.

djj
The Lord is my shepherd (Psalm 23) - I need someone to lead me!

 

[flapeyre]

Just saw this one:

-- Francis
Francisus ego, sed non sum papa.

 

[SantaMufasa]

...Because the P is silent.

Reminds me of when I was a little kid, my mom had me practice reading by reciting newspaper headlines to her:

I: Eddie 'Guitar Slim' Jones dies of "Puh-neumonia".

Mom: It's pronounced, "New-monia", dear...the 'P' is silent, like in swimming.

Mufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
“People may forget what you say, but they will never forget how you made them feel.

 

[hjgoldstein]

the 'P' is silent, like in swimming

Reminds me of a swimming teacher way back in the mists of time. Every new class he got started with the advice:

"The French word for swimming pool is Piscine which is just what we are not going to do!"

Aspiring to mediocrity since 1957

 

[maybeimaleo]

More Three Stooges that I just thought of:

"We want peace!" "Yes, you want a piece of this and a piece of that!"

"Appease him!" Golf ball + golf club + rival ruler's head = Appeased!

 

[SkipVought]

[tt]Why can't your hear a Pterodactyl urinate?

Bacause the "P" is silent.

Besides, they're extinct, which is why you can't smell it either!
[/tt]
That's one where on the one hand, seeing the spelling is better but on the other hand, not.

Skip,
[sub]
Just traded in my old subtlety...
for a NUANCE![/sub]

 

[SkipVought]

A guy goes to the doctor with a chronic condition the he describes like this.

“Doc, I’ve been having this problem with my hands. Ever since I can remember, I was ambidextrous and I could even amaze my friends by writing simultaneously with both hands, forward and backward.”

“Well, just recently, I’ve begun to have a spasm in my hands. I’ll be writing, and all of the sudden, my hand tremmors and jerks around, maybe for 15 or 20 seconds. But then when it’s all over, I look down at my paper, and here’s the craziest thing doc: If I was writing with my left hand, my shaky hand has written something that I did yesterday, and if I was writing with my right hand, I write something, it turns out, that will do tomorrow!”

“What’s happening to me, doc?”

So the doctor carefully examines each of his hands and wrists. “Hmmmm? Seems that you just might have a tick in each wrist that manifests itself in this strange way. It’s not a very common syndrome. But the fact that each wrist displays a distinctly different result, is the most puzzling to me.”

“You see, each wrist has a different wrist tick syndrome. On the one hand, you have a histo wrist tic syndrome, while on the other hand, you have a future wrist tic syndrome.”



And with that, my grandsons would groan!

Skip,
[sub]
Just traded in my old subtlety...
for a NUANCE![/sub]

 

[BobRodes]

<When you have to work that hard to manufacture a pun... I think it loses all its impact!

Perhaps I can improve. The Famous Flying Santorini Brothers were well known for their trapeze act. Their grand finale was called the Leviation Move, because Frank Santorini would fly so far and high that he appeared to be suspended in midair. Well, seems one day he had a fight with his girlfriend and tied one on. That night at the circus, the MC told the crowd that the Santorini act would have to be canceled because...

He who levitates is sauced.

An unforeseen consequence of the information revolution has been the exponential propagation of human error.

 

[BobRodes]

Then there was the fellow who traveled all the way to remote Mercy, Australia to sample their world-famous Koala infusion tonic. He took a sip, and complained that it was full of Koala hairs. "Of course," said the waiter, "Everyone knows that the Koala tea of Mercy is not strained."

An unforeseen consequence of the information revolution has been the exponential propagation of human error.

 

[flyboytim]

Dr Watson returns home to 221B Baker Street to find Holmes addressing a house painter who has apparently painted the porch and front street door of the apartment, a dazzling, pale yellow.
"What, ho! Holmes. That seems a little bright, to me, sir!" exclaimed Watson.
"It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson!" replied the indupitable Holmes.

 

[flapeyre]

One doctor always stopped at a local bar after work for a hazelnut daiquiri - a special drink the bartender created just for him. One day, the bartender ran out of hazelnut flavor so he substituted hickory nuts instead.

The doctor took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, 'This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!'

'No, I'm sorry', replied the bartender, 'it's a hickory daiquiri, doc.'

-- Francis
Francisus ego, sed non sum papa.

 

[kwbMitel]

It was suggested that this might be appreciated here

A t-shirt that I bought my son

http://i.imgur.com/SlSQKai.jpg

**********************************************
What's most important is that you realise ... There is no spoon.

 

[philhege]

...Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe...

And of course, the staff at Car Talk.

-----------
With business clients like mine, you'd be better off herding cats.

 

[maybeimaleo]

If a toilet overflows, does that mean it can't handle s***?

 

[maybeimaleo]

A gentleman running the B&O Railroad during WW2 was an elderly caucasian man. His name (I am not making this up) was Roy B. White.

Also, in the late 19th/early 20th century there was a woman who was a serious temperance activist. She used to carry a hatchet around to break up alcohol bottles in bars and saloons whereever she went. I always thought he name was always somehow fitting for what she was doing: Cary A. Nation.