People taking things the wrong way 12

[Craftor]

What do you do in a work situation when people take things said in jest the wrong way?

Yesterday my boss informed me that the way she had interpreted the requirements for our database was incorrect and I would have to change my structure and several of my stored procedures. I had previously emailed her with my interpretation of the structure (different to the way we had to interpret it now) and she had confirmed my interpretation. I was understandably a little bit upset (rewrite and retest something that had already been signed off) but it was nothing serious. Previously, we'd been emailing each other in a rahter joking fashion - nothing ever too serious so I sent her my original email highted in red - with the addendum 'I kill you with stick' to tease her that she'd been wrong and that I had to change my stuff.

She took this in completely the wrong way. I was informed by one of the other developers that she didn't want me continuing on the project!

I mailed her later that night to apologise in case I had offended her and was informed that she "thought my tone was unnecessary". I basically got a rather sore smack on the knuckles for something that wasn't intended to cause offense! I have since been reinstated on the project (after me specifically having to ask to get back) but she has been very cold to me since.

In case anyone is wondering - our office is very informal - people laugh and joke - to give an example - when people are asked to do more work - they roll their eyes and say "no". No one takes it seriously or believes they are actually refusing to work. I had sent a similar email when she told me to update my SPs to include 'dbo' when querying a table - my reply was along the lines of "AAAAAAAAAA such a lot of work how can you make me do this???" and she replied in kind - no offense taken that I know of.

I am extremely upset about this whole situation. I don't want to work for someone who reacts like this to something that was that insignificant. If she reacts like this to something minor, imagine if I made a mmistake on the project!

I'd like to get other peoples' opinions on this - what they thought about both her attitude and my sending the email. Please feel free to tell me if you think I stepped out of line.

Craftor

 

[xutopia]

The gandhi way of dealing with this situation is to let her know you feel bad and that you'd like to be friendly with her again.

Tell her you feel as though your joking around was wrong even if it's her that misinterpreted you. It will be hard for someone to accept that they misinterpreted or overreacted to something. Gary

http://www.xutopia.com

Haran

 

[shiningblade]

Joking or not, you crossed a line and put a threat in a document. That was just ignorant of you (you did not consider how she would react). I don't blame her for reacting the way she did, with recent conflict in the workplace, I have seen that women tend to react to threats of violence with more insecurity than men. So if you hold this reaction against her, you are compounding the problem. I think it would be best if you give her the same grace over the misunderstanding that you want her to give you. I do know of several companies where that little joke would be grounds for formal discipline including termination. You are lucky it did not go that far. :-/

My $.02

Jude

 

[CajunCenturion]

Jude's comment about the written threat is valid, but its also quite possible that either one of two other scenarios actually took place.

1. She initially agree with you, as indicated by her email, but then she was informed by her boss that the interpretation was incorrect. Her boss may have quite rough with her, chewing her out for the mistake. Now, she must pass the corrected information down to you, and you respond (jokingingly) with your threat. That puts her in the middle, she's now getting it from both sides, and it was a bit much. It may not have been so much the joke - but rather the timing, and the insensitivity to what has already happened to her.

2. The second possibility is that she made the mistake herself, and was embarrassed by her mistake, and your comment, even in jest, had the effect of rubbing it in. Again, it can easily be taken as insensitive and poorly timed. Good Luck
--------------
As a circle of light increases so does the circumference of darkness around it. - Albert Einstein

 

[Craftor]

Trust CajunCenturion to cut to the heart of the chase! You are right - it can quite easily be interpreted as insensitive.

 

[xutopia]

I think both Cajun and shinningblade deserve a star for their input. Gary

http://www.xutopia.com

Haran

 

[garwain]

You know you were joking, but re-read your message a few points looking at it form someone elses point of view. When you are restricted to text, it is often hard to tell what tone it's written in.

 

[guestgulkan]

All in all, I think this is a misunderstanding blown out of
proportion.

HOWEVER, the bit about the other developers knowing about the boss wanting you off the project, without the boss having spoken to you first, in my opinion smacks of bad management!

 

[TomKane]

Well, depending on your boss - you're probably as well to laugh at their jokes but be careful what you say back (even in jest) as it could even be seen as questioning their authority or trying to undermine them

 

[Kjonnnn]

Just remember ... dont joke around or get too chummy with your bosses... in the end ... they are bosses and not your friends. Your friends understand your humor.

 

[SF0751]

Good comments from all. garwain made an excellent point: "When you are restricted to text, it is often hard to tell what tone it's written in."

That being the case, I would have apologized/explained to your supervisor IN PERSON, rather than just sending out another email. Maybe she didn't think that your apology was entirely sincere; who knows. But a face-to face meeting is usually much more effective, especially when there have already been misunderstandings.

Susan
Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer. - Mark Twain

 

[sleipnir214]

Craftor,

Have you ever been at a party where everyone was laughing and joking, then one jackass says something grandly inappropriate that douses everyone's fun? And then there's that pregnant silence where everyone is trying to figure out what to say next?

Dude, you were that jackass.


Email is limited as a medium compared to face-to-face speech. You do not get all the "side-channel" information that is part of a normal conversation -- tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, etc. And communications theorists tell us that you get more information from the side-channel than you do from the actual conversation -- and I find this to be intuitively correct.

The onus of making sure that your communication is interpreted correctly is yours, not hers. You screwed up by assuming that the recipient of your communication would interpret your message the same way you did when you sent it.


If you want to repair your working relationship with your boss, tell her that although you think she was correct in getting angry over what you did, you are puzzled by the extent of her anger. Insist that she tell you what OTHER things you've done to anger her, because you can only surmize that she is reacting to several things at once -- being a reasonable person, and although your offense was great, she wouldn't react this strongly over one thing of this magnitude. Insist that she should not spare your feelings by holding back the other things. Keep drawing her out this way.

If you keep insisting long enough that you must have done many things to incite as much anger in a reasonable person as you have seen, he will conclude independently that his anger over a single recent incident may be overblown.

This is similar to xutipia's advice from earlier in this thread. I learned the technique from a very good sales reptile who used it with angry customers. She could take a call from the most spitting-mad customer the company had and within five minutes have him apologizing to HER for getting angry. ______________________________________________________________________
TANSTAAFL!

 

[xutopia]

I give a star to Sleipnir for being right on Gary

http://www.xutopia.com

Haran

 

[Craftor]

Thanks guys for all the input. It's always better to see things from a detatched point of view. When you are personally involved in the situation it's very easy to get into self-righteous mode.

I didn't have too much contact with her yesterday, but from her emails I couldn't detect anything amiss - again hard to tell from the text.

If the situation doesn't improve - I will schedule a meeting to talk this over.

Once again, thanks for all the good advice

Oh, and sleipnir, I'm a chick not a dude ;-)

Thanks guys for all the input

Craftor

 

[Craftor]

Everyone will be happy to know that the sitation has been resloved between us.

 

[LesleyW]

Sleipnir,

A star for you on that para about "although you think she was correct in getting angry over what you did, you are puzzled by the extent of her anger". It hit me like a stone (you know the feeling!) because it so directly applies to a (non-work) situation I am in. Sadly, the person concerned has refused to speak to me at all for 2 months, and for the last 2 months, we are on speaking terms but I am not allowed to talk about "that incident"... which is a very effetive protection against the horror-of-horrors situation of him having to admit that he over reacted. Not a nice way to treat people...

Hope that wasn't too personal for this forum...

 

[hiwatt]

Just think...if you hadn't have had to be 'right' and make sure the other party KNEW you were, none of this would have ever happened.
I say this 'coz I've learned this same thing the hard way, too. What's worse...I've had to learn it more than once. Nobody likes to be told they're wrong.

 

[cian]

Just my own opinion: the only form of communication which exists on a single level is the written word. (the average person has not mastered written expression)
In verbal communication the tone of voice is an integral part of this form of communication.
When speaking to someone in person body language plays it's part.
In emails it's left to the reader to interpret what you have written and unless they know you VERY well will more than likely mis-interpret what you write.
Further more even if they do know you well, your message can still be open to misinterpretation depending on the readers state of mind, for as CajunCenturion said, she may have been "getting it from both sides" and not very receptive to the humourous intent in your message.

The normal jokes I crack with my friends in my 'home country' would get me beaten to death over here. I'm probably known here as a "dry-shite" because the humour I use in normal speech would be mis-interpreted here! Bugger!

In summary chickens prefer not to wear nylons and should not have to just to please weirdos like you!


Btw, what does this actually mean 'I kill you with stick'
I udderstand not your message!


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[Craftor]

cian:

I was trying to say - "aww cmon now we had this discussion ages ago now look at 'all' the work I have to change" in a joking fashion. It wasn't a lot - was just trying to inject a dose of humor into what I percieved not to be a very serious situation - and it didn't get taken well...

hiwatt:
I wasn't trying to show her that I was right and she was wrong - that wasn't my intention - even if it was perceived that way...

Thanks for the feedback

 

[cian]

Craftor, well it happens to us all at least once I reckon! You learned a lesson!

Just make sure infuture to add: LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL


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