People taking things the wrong way 12

[Craftor]

What do you do in a work situation when people take things said in jest the wrong way?

Yesterday my boss informed me that the way she had interpreted the requirements for our database was incorrect and I would have to change my structure and several of my stored procedures. I had previously emailed her with my interpretation of the structure (different to the way we had to interpret it now) and she had confirmed my interpretation. I was understandably a little bit upset (rewrite and retest something that had already been signed off) but it was nothing serious. Previously, we'd been emailing each other in a rahter joking fashion - nothing ever too serious so I sent her my original email highted in red - with the addendum 'I kill you with stick' to tease her that she'd been wrong and that I had to change my stuff.

She took this in completely the wrong way. I was informed by one of the other developers that she didn't want me continuing on the project!

I mailed her later that night to apologise in case I had offended her and was informed that she "thought my tone was unnecessary". I basically got a rather sore smack on the knuckles for something that wasn't intended to cause offense! I have since been reinstated on the project (after me specifically having to ask to get back) but she has been very cold to me since.

In case anyone is wondering - our office is very informal - people laugh and joke - to give an example - when people are asked to do more work - they roll their eyes and say "no". No one takes it seriously or believes they are actually refusing to work. I had sent a similar email when she told me to update my SPs to include 'dbo' when querying a table - my reply was along the lines of "AAAAAAAAAA such a lot of work how can you make me do this???" and she replied in kind - no offense taken that I know of.

I am extremely upset about this whole situation. I don't want to work for someone who reacts like this to something that was that insignificant. If she reacts like this to something minor, imagine if I made a mmistake on the project!

I'd like to get other peoples' opinions on this - what they thought about both her attitude and my sending the email. Please feel free to tell me if you think I stepped out of line.

Craftor

 

[Craftor]

And ... just for luck ... LOL

 

[alicep]

Ann Landers use to write about "lashings with a wet noodle". Maybe try that instead of the "kill you with a stick".

 

[Win98User]

Craftor,
I know I am 2 months late but I have read the thread and am curious to know how things worked out.

I read the threads apportioning "blame" here and there. But my tack would have been along the lines guestgulkan's observation of bad management.

I would have played the situation as the "offended" party. That it was "hurtful" for your boss to "imagine" that you were being "rude" and to be told about it by someone else was a shock! I would have continued that if that was how she viewed the working relationship then the fault was indeed yours for imagining that there was a feeling of team spirit. I would then declare that all my future dealings would be of the highest professional standing so that there would be no repitition of the situation. (I would also never send that person an e-mail, it would be phone calls all the way!).

Making the other person feel guilty is the best remedy in my opinion. As you sent the e-mail in friendly fashion and they reacted unprofessionally - you would have been well placed to have them feeling as though they had over-reacted by playing the injured-party (after all, that is what you were).

And no, I am not a manipulative person (in my opinion) - I just don't like bullies!

I hope things turned out ok for you. Booting your machine seldom does it any favours.

 

[smedvid]

One piece of advice from my experience is to use caution when sending anything via e-mail. Once it has been sent, that is it... And it could come back to haunt you. In cases where I am upset with a situation, I try to cool off before sending an e-mail. Or type a draft and review it a couple of times. Better yet, is to get an opinion from someone that is neutral before sending...

Also, working with others is sometimes difficult and you may need to adjust... to make personalities mesh.

htwh, Steve Medvid
"IT Consultant & Web Master"
e-Mail: Stephen_Medvid@GMACM.com

http://www.saveourfarm.com

Chester County, PA Residents
Please Show Your Support...

 

[Craftor]

Thanks for the responses. Everything has worked out (pretty much) OK. I sent her another email apologising for my actions and telling her that my email had only been intended in jest.

The thing that had me rollong in hysterics is that she sent a similar email to one of my colleagues when he failed to remove some debugging code from an application that was to be deployed. He didn't complain and she treated it as a matter of course.

Oh well ... as my mom always told me ... do as I say, not as I do.

smedvid - your point about personalities meshing and cooling down is very valid - my boss and I can work well together but we'll never be "friends". Work relationships are vastly different to any other kinds of relationships on our lives and we sometimes have to make serious adjustments in our thinking and attitudes to get them to work.

Craftor

 

[sleipnir214]

Craftor:

If I had found out through legitimate channels about your boss' committing a transgression similar to yours, I'd have let her have it with both barrels.

Something like an incredulous, "You're going to put me through that much grief over something like this, and then go and do it yourself? I am astonished!", would probably be my entry line.

But that's just me. I've always believed that what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Want the best answers? Ask the best questions:

http://www.tuxedo.org/~esr/faqs/smart-questions.html

TANSTAAFL!

 

[MikeLacey]

Sleipnir,

With respect, whilst I sympathise with your reaction, Craftor had it right I think. Things would not be helped by stirring it up some more. Mike

Want to get great answers to your Tek-Tips questions? Have a look at faq219-2884

It's like this; even samurai have teddy bears, and even teddy bears get drunk.

 

[sleipnir214]

I disagree. My delivery (as described above) was certainly off the mark, but not the basic sentiment.

If you don't let someone know that he/she has crossed the line, how is he/she going to know? Because it is obvious that Craftor's supervisor needs a little guidance. Her flaw is almost certainly not fatal -- it's probably little more than youth and ignorance, both of which are curable.

Want the best answers? Ask the best questions:

http://www.catb.org/~esr/faqs/smart-questions.html

TANSTAAFL!

 

[MikeLacey]

<smile> I'm happy to agree to disagree Mike

Want to get great answers to your Tek-Tips questions? Have a look at faq219-2884

It's like this; even samurai have teddy bears, and even teddy bears get drunk.

 

[Win98User]

Some people need blasting between the eyes to make them realise that they can't &quot;cross the line&quot; with impunity. Others neeed a little gentle manipulation ~ very few will people will mend their ways by the victims pretending &quot;it&quot; didn't happen.

In this instance Craftor has shouldered the blame ~ it's their call, it's their life, it's their mistake to learn from, lol.

sleipnir214's approach is very close (if not the same) to my own philosophy.

MikeLacey, I would agree with you that in this case it would not have served Craftor's best interests to stir it up. And I would bet that sleipner214 will agree with that ~ standing toe to toe with your boss (and remaining in the right) takes a certain knack ~ Craftor would appear not to have that knack ~ and that is not a harsh criticism. The number of times I have wished that I could just let something slide for an easy life; but that's just not me.

I would guess that sleipnir214 is similar to myself, in that I don't seek confrontation, I just don't go out of my way to avoid it, especially when I am the one who has been wronged.

Kind regards. I am not a number. I am a free man!
(6)

 

[sleipnir214]

Win98User:

<sarcasm>
Who me? I'm gooder than airy an angel.
</sarcasm>

You're right. I don't seek it. But somehow it always manages to find me.

It is immature, asinine, petty, and unreasonable for Craftor's supervisor to expect that one code of conduct applies to Craftor, and other to her.

It may be that she doesn't even realize how unreasonable she is being -- she likely never gave the concept a moment's thought. But the problem must be pointed out to her. How strenuously you must point it out for the lesson to take is a matter of subtlety that we cannot guage without being there.

This is one of those circumstances where I will actively seek out confrontation. Want the best answers? Ask the best questions:

http://www.catb.org/~esr/faqs/smart-questions.html

TANSTAAFL!

 

[PalmStrike]

A star for Hiwatt.

It is indeed the case, but why so often do we have to bend to an inferior way of working for the sake of a bosses feelings.

I know that there are ways around this, I work in a publishing company, and we have here mostly salesmen, and not all of them change peoples minds just by being so annoying that they have to be bowed to, Yet I think it is a rare gift, and one to strive for.

 

[sleew]

Craftor, i did not read posts 'cause there are too many but what i can say is that i feel same as you do. Same thinks are happening to me in this forum and moreover sometimes it's happening in my life barring my relations with my friends who allways understand what was &quot;that&quot; i really wanted to say or to produce. Most of people love when you help them to live in best picture of them self, when what you say leads them to thought that they are so OK, probibaly the best. I don't like to do that and i allways say what i think but when they conclude something that they don't like from what you said then they start to have bad thoughts about you. You CAN'T stop it! If you are allways saying what you think do not expect to be surrounded with support.
Even joke you did, your boss was provocated with it 'cause she saw something bad about her in your jest, something you will never find out and of course, she tried to put you away, infact to forget what she thought in that moment.

Some people does not understand that joke/jest could be sign of respect and that hypocrisy that they love so much is a mockrey, infact disrespect.


P.S. Maybe her reaction has background? Srdjan Katic
Microsoft Department Manager
Compaq & Microsoft TS
sleew@infosky.net

 

[sleew]

Sorry, i made mistake, it did not happend to me in this forum, it was another one. Srdjan Katic
Microsoft Department Manager
Compaq & Microsoft TS
sleew@infosky.net