Improving Communications

[KornGeek]

I've been going through some rough times lately.</understatement>

One of the problems I've been having is that my wife and I are going through a lot of problems and aren't communicating about things well. We both have a tendency to bottle things up, then when we reach our breaking point, we tend to let it all out. Other times, we try to tell each other what is bothering us, and the other person takes it as a personal attack and gets defensive.

Interestingly, I've seen the same sort of thing going on in some of these forums also.

What are some ways that people can communicate better? Both in terms of getting your point across effectively, and in terms of understanding the other person without taking it personally. Is it possible for one person to improve communications even if the other person does not change?

 

[edfair]

For your personal issues I would suggest a program by Retrouvaille. They help unclog the pipeline.

If it is in writing you can read it over and over until you understand. If you do it verbally it is a one shot possibility that the receiver will get right but it gets filtered by their preconceived notions. And some have suggested that maybe one out of 3 verbal words is really received as the mind is sitting there preprocessing the anticipated next thought.





Ed Fair
Give the wrong symptoms, get the wrong solutions.

 

[SantaMufasa]

Ed's suggestion is excellent and is what I would suggest, as well. If you write it out, you have the opportunity to get it just right before you deliver it. Once you deliver your thoughts (in writing) to your wife, let her read it, in private, so that she is not compelled to respond immediately...She can think about your words...She can thoughtfully consider her response, then she can articulate her response to you, again in writing, so that she accrues the same benefits you did by writing out your thoughts.

Also, pick carefully the items to which you choose to give visibility: if your are having trouble with her leaving the cap off the toothpaste, I'd suggest you file that under "Quirky things my wife does that make me love her all the more." Specifically, if your issues with her are not deal breakers (i.e., things that make you want to leave her), and her behaviour falls under free choice/personal preferences, then I would write them off and not bring them up as part of the BIG (written) issues.

Another communication improver that has worked well for us is when my wife has done something that I wish she wouldn't, I wait until she does the preferred "replacement" behaviour that I prefer instead. I then say, "Honey, I love it when you do that," without bringing up the fact that I hate it when she does the other. It has resulted in much more compatible behaviour. In fact, I love it when she compliments the behaviours that she prefers in me. It makes it much easier for ME to be well behaved when I know what she considers to be good behaviour in me, and that I'll get an "Atta Boy" for my good behaviour.

Mufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
[I provide low-cost, remote Database Administration services: www.dasages.com]

 

[Grenage]

I think one of the more important pieces of advice we give to children, is usually forgotten by adults (I'm to blame as much as the next man).

Think before you speak.

If you can get the words right in your head, no matter how long it takes, the results are always going to be better.

Carlsberg don't run I.T departments, but if they did they'd probably be more fun.

 

[SantaMufasa]

Taking some poetic license with the original quote...

In one day, Samson slew one thousand Philistines with the jawbone of an ass. Every day, 10,000 marriages are destroyed with the same weapon.

Mufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
[I provide low-cost, remote Database Administration services: www.dasages.com]

 

[flapeyre]

I'm a laid back sort of guy. Hardly anything rattles me. This caused a problem of sorts early in our marriage (we've been married nearly 21 years). My wife is more of the confrontational type, and it frustrated her that I never argued with her. It's almost as if she was expecting me to disagree with her. But I never took the bait.

Once I failed to adhere to my usual standards, and said something stupid. My apology, as I recall, was:

I have a big mouth. Has to be for my feet to fit in it.

Humor is a path towards humility. Humility, IMO, is a key component of a successful marriage.

Tibi gratias agimus quod nihil fumas.

 

[SQLSister]

My personal rules for improving communications
--think before you speak -especially think how you would react if someone said that same thing to you
--treat everyone with respect - especially if you dislike them or are mad at them
--Consider before you complain about something how much it really matters in the long run Why waste a mad for something minor
--build up a bank of good feelings and compromises in the other person's favor - this makes it easier to get that person to give you what you need when it's really important. Don't deplete the bank by asking for a lot of unimportant things.
--if it is important, don't hold it inside until you explode. Bring it up as soon as you can but always in a respectful way.
--make sure the people around you know how much you notice and appreciate what they do for you. People respond better to people who show clear appreciation.


Questions about posting. See faq183-874

 

[Welshbird]

I'd second all of those sister!

The other thing I have found is when I need to bring up an issue to deal with it, is it aim to do this in the least emotional language that is possible, and aim to be calm throughout.

So, instead of yelling "Don't just STEAL my camera lens because you thought I wouldn't mind. I DO!!!!" I instead said "I find it really inconvenient that I couldn't find my zoom lens yesterday. I'd really appreciate it if it future you could just check before you borrow it. Thanks."

Fee

The question should be [red]Is it worth trying to do?[/red] not [blue] Can it be done?[/blue]

 

[SantaMufasa]

I find it really inconvenient that I couldn't find my zoom lens yesterday. I'd really appreciate it if it future you could just check before you borrow it. Thanks.

...Or how about:

I'll be driving by &lt;put name of local camera store here&gt;. Would you like me to pick up a zoom lens for you so that we both can have one instead of just you having mine? &lt;smile broadly&gt;

The point being that you can deliver a ton of otherwise bad/confrontational/unsavory news when spoken in jest, and the humour seems to dissipate any &quot;edge&quot; that might otherwise accompany the conversation.


Mufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
[I provide low-cost, remote Database Administration services: www.dasages.com]

 

[mainegeek]

KornGeek,

This book helped put things in perspective for me.

http://www.amazon.com/Sweat-Small-Stuff-small-stuff/dp/0786881852

 

[Ed2020]

I had an issue last week with an email I had sent. The email in question was read by the recipient and the tone misunderstood - what I had meant as a genuine question, and nothing more, was read as a rather snide, underhand dig.

The rules I try and stick to for written communication are:

1. Re-read what you have written, from start to finish, before send it. Make sure your meaning and tone are clear. If in doubt save it in your drafts folder and re-read it later. If still in doubt get somebody else to read it prior to sending.

2. If you receive an email that angers you *do not reply immediately*. Cool off first! Also be aware that the sender may not have meant it to read in the way in which you are interpretting it.

3. Where possible communicate verbally and then follow up in writing.

4. If there is any possibility that the meaning of your communication be misinterpretted clarify verbally, with diagrams, or with examples if possible.

I guess a lot of these rules could also be applied to verbal communications...

Ed Metcalfe.

Please do not feed the trolls.....

 

[gbaughma]

My wife and I both took the Myers/Briggs personality test.

I found that I'm an ESTJ, where my wife is an INTP.

The four letters indicate a personality type. I'm E xtrovert, S ensing, T houghtful J udgemental, where my wife is I ntroverted, iN tuitive, T houghful, P erceptive.

Now, at first glance, other than the "T", it would seem that we're diametrically opposed. The interesting thing is, there was a "Grid" that showed how personality types interacted.

Here's a couple of things about me:
I tend to "repeat myself", saying things over and over in different ways, to make sure that the listener is completely understanding what I say.

ESTJs thrive on order and continuity. Being extraverted, their focus involves organization of people, which translates into supervision. While ENTJs enjoy organizing and mobilizing people according to their own theories and tactically based agendas, ESTJs are content to enforce "the rules," often dictated by tradition or handed down from a higher authority.

My wife on the other hand:
She will "formulate" an answer, thinking about her response before speaking, and then saying it once; fully expecting that the person asking the question is going to listen to them completely, and the first time.

INTPs are pensive, analytical folks. They may venture so deeply into thought as to seem detached, and often actually are oblivious to the world around them.

Precise about their descriptions, INTPs will often correct others (or be sorely tempted to) if the shade of meaning is a bit off. While annoying to the less concise, this fine discrimination ability gives INTPs so inclined a natural advantage as, for example, grammarians and linguists.

The interesting bit is, when you put the two of us together, here's what can happen:

When I ask a question of her, I can perceive the "silence" (while she is formulating her answer) as her not having heard me; so I tend to repeat myself. She, on the other hand, feels like I am "cutting her off" and not allowing her time to answer the question which she heard, and is thinking about the answer to.

Until we understood this about each other, there was quite a bit of stress. Once we understood this about one another, she will now stop me when I start to repeat myself ("I heard you the first time... give me time to answer") and I will remember to wait for her response.

Just understanding the differences in the way the two of us communicate has greatly improved communications between us. While neither personality type is "right" or "wrong", they are certainly different.

I would suggest that *everyone* take the Myers/Briggs test; you will find it surprisingly accurate, and if you have a partner to take it with you, the interactions guide will help you to understand each other's communications styles and allow you to consciously adjust for better interactions.



Just my 2¢
-ARRGH! All my clothes are wrinkled! Oh, the irony!

--Greg

http://parallel.tzo.com

 

[gbaughma]

Wow. What is it recently that I can bring a thread to a screeching halt.... :-(



Just my 2¢
-ARRGH! All my clothes are wrinkled! Oh, the irony!

--Greg

http://parallel.tzo.com

 

[SantaMufasa]

What is it recently that I can bring a thread to a screeching halt?

I would not venture to say that you bring threads to screeching halts. I choose to think that your responses represent the "do all; say all; end all", definitive resolutions to threads.

Mufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
[I provide low-cost, remote Database Administration services: www.dasages.com]

 

[gbaughma]

Dave:

That was the most politically correct, flattering response I've ever seen.

Shame it smelled like bull****

Thanks for the compliment though.



Just my 2¢
-ARRGH! All my clothes are wrinkled! Oh, the irony!

--Greg

http://parallel.tzo.com

 

[SantaMufasa]

Mufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
[I provide low-cost, remote Database Administration services: www.dasages.com]