...For you very punny people

[SantaMufasa]

It's been awhile since we had a Pun Fest:

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.


Mufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
“People may forget what you say, but they will never forget how you made them feel.

 

[BadBigBen]

When you cut through a network, do you use a LAN-mower?

When five people are running, is it a ten foot jog?

When they claimed to house two thousand campers, it sounded like a lot of bunk

Our social studies teacher says that her globe means the world to her.

Today I've got a pressing engagement. I must go to the cleaners.

I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.

Did you hear about the mad fisherman, he tripped and now is in seine.

You know what happens after you miss math class? It starts adding up.

Last week I was diagnosed with insomnia, and now I'm just so tired of it.

The telemarketer asked me if I read magazines at all and I replied that I did, periodically.

The fruit farmer was plum happy he pruned his orchard last fall.

Forklift operators do not care for puns - they find them unpalletable.

It's raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer.

Ben
"If it works don't fix it! If it doesn't use a sledgehammer..."
How to ask a question, when posting them to a professional forum.
Only ask questions with yes/no answers if you want "yes" or "no"

 

[hjgoldstein]

A man in the pub offered to sell me eight legs of venison for 30 quid. Is that too dear?

It is time for pacifists to stand up and fight for their beliefs.

 

[N1GHTEYES]

Our departmental manager told all of his team leaders to keep up morale by wearing identical underwear bearing the department name. He said we should have regular team briefs.

To quote Lilly von Schtuck, "It's twoo, it's twoo!"

Tony

 

[N1GHTEYES]

I did, of course, mean Shtupp. I'm suffering from morning brain.

Tony

 

[BadBigBen]

N1GHTEYES,

when I read that "Schtuck", I knew exactly who you meant, before I read your correction...

He conquered fear, and he conquered hate,
He turned dark night into day,
He made his blazing saddle
A torch to light the way...

Ben
"If it works don't fix it! If it doesn't use a sledgehammer..."
How to ask a question, when posting them to a professional forum.
Only ask questions with yes/no answers if you want "yes" or "no"

 

[djj55]

Mongo impressed.

djj
The Lord is my shepherd (Psalm 23) - I need someone to lead me!

 

[SantaMufasa]

Schtuck...Shtupp...I would probably change my name if I got schtuck with either.

Mufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
“People may forget what you say, but they will never forget how you made them feel.

 

[BadBigBen]

Santa,

well if you got schtuck, be sure to get help ASAP... ;-)



Ben
"If it works don't fix it! If it doesn't use a sledgehammer..."
How to ask a question, when posting them to a professional forum.
Only ask questions with yes/no answers if you want "yes" or "no"

 

[mscallisto]

That's a good Stück of advice Ben

Sam

 

[N1GHTEYES]

The way the thread has drifted onto the Schtuck / Shtupp issue was a stook to me but I shall not stoop to responding in kind.

Tony

 

[tcsbiz]

The optician had an accident and made a spectacle of himself.



I keep trying to do something about my procrastination but I keep putting it off until tomorrow.

 

[BadBigBen]

N1GHTEYES,

do not schteer away, scheem up more punny responses...


[now then back to the puns]

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Ben
"If it works don't fix it! If it doesn't use a sledgehammer..."
How to ask a question, when posting them to a professional forum.
Only ask questions with yes/no answers if you want "yes" or "no"

 

[N1GHTEYES]

I did not like the advice I was given about buying cattle. I got a bum steer.

Tony

 

[flapeyre]

You heard about the guy who killed himself by jumping into an open manhole?

He committed sewercide.

-- Francis
There are laws to protect the freedom of the press's speech, but none that are worth anything to protect the people from the press.
--Mark Twain

 

[tcsbiz]

My doctor close his office because he had no patience.
My dentist is always sad because he is down in the mouth.

I can't come up with too many. Santa already used the best ones.


I keep trying to do something about my procrastination but I keep putting it off until tomorrow.

 

[SkipVought]

If you have a misgiving about your booking at the Native American resort, is it a reservation reservation reservation?

Skip,
[sub]
Just traded in my old subtlety...
for a NUANCE![/sub]

 

[flapeyre]

Skip,

On that Native American resort, the electrician who installed the lightbulb in the restroom wired a head for a reservation.

-- Francis
There are laws to protect the freedom of the press's speech, but none that are worth anything to protect the people from the press.
--Mark Twain

 

[SkipVought]

A man named Mister, along with his sister, had a job at the nursery, spraying the plants.

So if his sister left before he returned, then mister, Mr. Mister missed ‘er.

Skip,
[sub]
Just traded in my old subtlety...
for a NUANCE![/sub]

 

[SantaMufasa]

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Each night I wondered where the sun went...then it dawned on me.

Mufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
“People may forget what you say, but they will never forget how you made them feel.