Work and family - Is a balance possible? 12

[KornGeek]

As a programmer, I am often expected to work late nights, weekends, etc. As a husband and father, I am expected to be home to tuck the kids in, attend school functions and baseball games, and spend quality time with my family. As a person, I'm expected to eat, sleep, and use the restroom and would like a little bit of time to just relax and do what I want to do.

Unfortunately, there are only 24 hours in a day. Both my boss and my family want more time out of me. I've already sacrificied most of my personal time. Eating is most often done at my desk, and sometimes done in a combination with family/relaxing time. Sleep has been trimmed down to unhealthy levels, and I've given up on personal time. About the only thing left to give up is my restroom time, and that would just get messy.

When both my work and family want about 15 hours a day from me, 7 days a week, how can I find balance? If I spend too much time with one, I run a very real risk of losing the other (especially the job right now). Any suggestions?

 

[Gatorajc]

Getting in on this late but it hits close to home.

Though I have not agreed with many French views, whole another forum do not get started, I do LOVE the "Work to Live" mentality.

I do work hard but when it is needed. I do not think there is a reason to put in 15 hour days every week. Unless there are going to be an equal amount of 1 hour days along the way as well.


AJ

 

[frozenpeas]

KornGeek, it is as simple what makes you happy. More of one thing must mean less of another. You just have to decide what is more important.

What are the benefits of working so much? Do you make more money by working more? At work, what would be the consequences of working less? What are the advantages of working more?

And it is simple to see the advantages of being at home more.

sleipnir214's quote about says it. Down the road, you would hate to look back and regret not being with your family more. And they would hate it too.

frozenpeas

 

[MDXer]

The ideal balance between work and family is diffrent for everyone. Some people may be happy working 80 hours a week and only seeing their wife and kids on weekends, while others need more than that.

A persons values is the only gauge of what is the ideal Balance between work and family. If you current position does not allow for the balance you would like then maybe it is time to either reevaluate if the balance is important to you or do you need to find something that will allow the balance you want.

People in our society (the US) like to make people out to be bad and irresponsible for walking out on their family, or the guy who becomes a father when he wasn't ready so he refuses to take responsility. Is a person who invests every waking moment in work, really any better than these people? Yes finacially we are we provide the material things and fincial means that allow our families to have what they need, but in the process may deny them emotionally what they need to develop into responsible individuals.

Personally I have been doing a 5 day commute for sometime now leaving my family at home to work in another state. Yes the money is good, and that would be great if money is what made me happy, but it isn't. I'm considering an offer from another company that is approx 40% less than what I am currently making but it will allow me to be home with my family at night and weekends along with providing proffesional satisfaction. No more waking up at them crack of dawn to catch a plane to work and comming home friday night when sane people are either partying or sleeping.


"Shoot Me! Shoot Me NOW!!!"
- Daffy Duck

 

[sleipnir214]

I think we should all keep in mind that "balance" is not a fixed thing -- rather, it is a homeostatic system. As such we have to be conscious of our changing home and work environments and adapt accordingly.

Want the best answers? Ask the best questions:

http://www.catb.org/~esr/faqs/smart-questions.html

TANSTAAFL!!

 

[Onyxpurr]

When my husband and I first started dating, I puts in lots of hours. I didn't even remember what the sun looked like. My relationship was suffering and my husband said it was him or my overtime. Thank God I chose him!

Then when my father was in ICU, I had the same decision. I just kept thinking, "if my father dies, will I really look back and say, 'At least I got that 40 hours in?'"

So I've cut back on my hours. I put in ot every once in awhile when needed. I do go to school too, but now I reserve time for my family to ensure that they know that THEY are the most important thing in my life, not my job.

I definately would not suggest trying to "juggle" the two. I've tried before and just about had a mental breakdown. Just a suggestion...instead of cutting back altogether, just cut back a little time every week or two. Fifteen minutes first week, fifteen minutes next week, and so on, and so on. You may even decide to try to find a position at another company that realizes that just because they pay you for work, isn't the same thing as buying you.

Good luck!!

 

[flapeyre]

We are discouraged from putting in overtime (we don't get paid extra for it anyway; we are all salaried employees). You're more productive at 8AM than at 8PM. I get into the office at 7:30, go to lunch at 11:30, and leave at 4. But I get more work done than I eve did when I was stressed out with a hard-and-fast deadline that kept me up nights and going in on weekends.

When your eyelids start twitching (and you know it's not the coffee - it's the lack of sleep), it's time to back off a little. Maybe a lot.


"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the Earth with your eyes turned skyward, for here you have been, and there you will always long to return."

--Leonardo da Vinci

 

[Olster]

There are some good points from everyone and I would like to add something myself from a family perspective and a work perspective.

My Father used to work excessive hours and when not working he would play hard with his friends. A lot of his goals revolved around owning the best car and the best house and being at the top so he could satisfy his ego around other people. When he actually spent time with his family it was always son you should have beaten that person at swiming or Tennis or whatever. Eventually his lack of family time cost him his marriage and nearly all my growing up years. To this day at age 29 I don't have a strong relationship with him and really don't mind as he was never around all my life.
A few years ago I took a job on the Oil Rigs to get ahead. I was home 5 days a month and I started a relationship during this time. I could speak to my girlfriend once a week due to location, in the end she couldn't handle it and asked me to make a choice. The job was top money and I had worked up to second in charge of a team but made the choice to quit and be with my girlfriend who I then married later on and never regretted. I took a job for less money but managed to marry a girl worth more than any pay packet.

My motto is this.

It doesn't make a lick of difference if you own a Ferrari, a huge house and are the CIO of the largest corporation if you have no memories of plenty of good times with family and friends or worse nobody at all to come home too you are the real loser in life.

 

[Recce]

KornGeek,

You can always get another job, after all you are a programmer but, you can not get another family....;->

 

[Lozbinator]

I think something tha tneeds to be remembered bigpaullyndefan is that the generalisation of "a lot of IT professionals" is your opinion only.... and perhaps the opinion of others, but I certainly know very few IT professionals who dont care if they have lives or not.

I find it to be quite the other way around, but at the end of the day it is an individual choice about what you value more.

Recce: Good point, assuming of course that KornGeek is in an economic environment where getting another job would be relatively easy.

KornGeek: I wish you luck on finding the balance between work and family life. It is difficult and hopefully a solution presents itself to you soon.

 

[KenCunningham]

Harry Chapin sums it up:

"My child arrived just the other day,
He came to the world in the usual way.
But there were planes to catch, and bills to pay.
He learned to walk while I was away.
And he was talking 'fore I knew it, and as he grew,
He'd say, "I'm gonna be like you, dad.
You know I'm gonna be like you."

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,
Little boy blue and the man in the moon.
"When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when,
But we'll get together then.
You know we'll have a good time then."

My son turned ten just the other day.
He said, "Thanks for the ball, dad, come on let's play.
Can you teach me to throw?" I said, "Not today,
I got a lot to do." He said, "That's ok."
And he walked away, but his smile never dimmmed,
Said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah.
You know I'm gonna be like him."

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,
Little boy blue and the man in the moon.
"When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when,
But we'll get together then.
You know we'll have a good time then."

Well, he came from college just the other day,
So much like a man I just had to say,
"Son, I'm proud of you. Can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head, and he said with a smile,
"What I'd really like, dad, is to borrow the car keys.
See you later. Can I have them please?"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,
Little boy blue and the man in the moon.
"When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when,
But we'll get together then, dad.
You know we'll have a good time then."

I've long since retired and my son's moved away.
I called him up just the other day.
I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind."
He said, "I'd love to, dad, if I could find the time.
You see, my new job's a hassle, and the kid's got the flu,
But it's sure nice talking to you, dad.
It's been sure nice talking to you."
And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me,
He'd grown up just like me.
My boy was just like me.

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,
Little boy blue and the man in the moon.
"When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when,
But we'll get together then, dad.
You know we'll have a good time then."

Make time for your kids, you never know when you might need them.

 

[Onyxpurr]

Talk about a song about my life! My parents were divorced when I was young, my father was a work-a-holic. The few times I did stay with him, he used to drag me to work, or his hobbies.

Now he still doesn't call, but if I don't call for awhile he tries to guilt trip me into beleiving it's all my fault and then wonders why I don't call more often. Hmmmmm...

Thankfully the hubby's setting me straight! I've been caught in my father's mentality before, but hopefully I can change for when my children come around.

Speaking of which...QUESTION...who here places job above family and regrets it? Okay, now who here places family above job and regrets it? (Without a show of hands, you should know this answer.)

 

[LoaferMan]

Myth - Home and Work can be balanced.

Yes, we all want to be Superman and Superwoman. But to who?

Your Job is not your Life, Your Life is your Job.

Being a Mom or a Dad means that you have been placed on this earth to create a safe loving place for little ones to grow up and thrive. Your workplace is just an income stream. If you need work to give you a sense of value, just wait till the next round of layoffs. You will find that you have no percieved value after you are laid off. That is not where you go to get your wounds dressed, it is home.

Nobody would ever dream of taking a broken lawnmower or transmission from their garage to the office and start fixing it during a meeting in a conference room. Doesn't that seem like a bizarre mental picture? But all of us are guilty of taking cell phone calls from the office while we are sitting around the dinner table at home.

If you don't respect your time enough to protect it, your management at work will not respect it either. You will never climb the corporate ladder because you are doing the work of two people for one person's salary. They can't afford to move you up the corporate ladder. Besides, management spends a bunch of time doing deals on the golf course. How will you play golf or learn golf if you are working late?

Don't try to balance your job and your family. Pick your family. Companies like SAS encourage their employees to do that and they are one of the best in the business. We are conditioned to believe myths about working late, extra, weekends, etc. Well guess what. When I did it, I got laid off. When I worked reasonable hours, I got to stay through the layoff. Be brave. Go home. It works.

LoaferMan - There is no practice life. This is it. (Billy Crockett)

 

[Recce]

You said it LoaferMan !

 

[gringomike]

I once worked with a guy who said he'd always put his family over his job. He always said that he'll never retire and look back on his life saying "I wish I had spent more time at work", it'd always be "I wish I'd spent more time with my family".

He was very professional and worked to a high standard which was acknowledged and appreciated by his bosses. I thought this would be worth sharing on this post. I think he had the right attitude. Too many people "live to work" these days rather than "working to live".

Just my thoughts.....

GM

 

[butterfm]

I agree 100% with gringomike,

Im my opinion the family are the most important thing, even more so when you have kids.

There are plenty of jobs around but you only have one family and you can't buy back any time that you lose with them.

I do a 9:00-5:00 job 5 days a week and I do it well. That is what I am paid to do. I will very rarely work extra at the expense of my wife and son to put money in the pocket of other people.

M