US IT Jobs left for this fall... 9

[fizzak]

Venting after a layoff here don't take it personal.

BS company seeking a mid level Systems Administrator. Must also have sales, analyst, engineering, architect, electronics, nuclear plant management and soldering experience.


Duties:

You need to be on call 24/7 - 365 So we can call you at 3am if the coffee maker is broken.

Must be related to Bill Gates but have a chisled jawline (3rd cousins are ok).

You must also be a programmer so we don't have spend $90k yr for one.

You must also be a database admin so we don't have to spend $70k yr for one

You must also be a web designer AND developer so we don't have to spend $60k yr each for them.

Must have willingness to field Level I helpdesk calls for 2000 "EU's". So we dont have to spend $27k yr for one.

Must have 10+ years experience with no less than everything below...



Experience with every IT acronym know to man preferred:

LAN, WAN, ASP, VPN, SAN, VoIP, HTML XHTL, CSS, AS3, Web 2.0, AJAX, CRM, SQL, VBS, IIS, VPN, .NET, DHTML, XSL, XSLT, SAN, NAS, KVS/ADIC, EMC EDL, and everything else we dont feel like typing here.

Experience with every service known to man preferred:

Terminal Services, IIS Server, Application Servers, Exchange, and SQL, VLAN, Virtual Server, SQL and Oracle Databases, RedHat, SUSE, Debian, Cisco, UniObjects, McData and everything else we dont feel like typing here.

Detailed understanding of every advanced Windows Service, app and task known to man including:

Terminal Services, Application Servers, VLAN, Virtual Server, SQL and Oracle Databases, RedHat, SUSE, Debian, Cisco, UniObjects, McData, McNugget, Share Point Exchange, SQL Server, MS Clustering, Storage Area Networks, Citrix Metaframe, and VBScripting / PowerShell, Milking cows and other farm animals a plus.

Message admin and programming experience with Exchange AND Domino (just in case we decide to go back to that POS)

Windows 2000, 2003, 2008 installation, configuration, and administration in an Enterprise Environment.
(Because Server 08 has been out a whole 10 months, YOU should have mastered it by now and we just don't believe you can get up to speed with only server 03 experience because 08 is SOO much different.)

Speaking of which...
Master level experience with every OS ever invented preferred:

Window 3.1, 95, 98, ME....Window 7, beOS, UNIX, OSX, OS9, Solaris, UNIVAC, Plan 9,OSDev, OS/2 and of course Linux cause everyone uses it and it's so hippy-cool to stick it to the man command line style!!

Actual Quote: Must also be able to sweep the floor, no
prima donnas!!!

Must also have experience with all technologies that haven't even been invented yet.


Education:

PHD in Rocket Science
A+ (because a certification proving you know how many pins are on a floppy cable from 1995 is more important than 12 years experience and a BSCS degree!!)
MCSE
MCSA
MCITP
CCNA
MCITP
MCPD
Linux+
CCNA
PMP
CISSP
Security+
...Or 50 years equivelent experience.

DoD level IV Secret Clearance and approved by the director of the CIA is Required (because we are too cheap to buy it for you so only people who worked for Boeing or govt will get this job. Problem is, Boeing and the govt are too good to their employees so they aren't on the market anyway.)


Compensation? how about $30-40k? What you say? Yea thats half of what you made last year but we like to pretend the economy has hit us too. It's all the rage now!
Yea we know you are STILL paying Fannie for that $45k college education from the 90's your parents told you you had to have or else you would be a broke street bum. But we really appreciate it and wouldn't look at your resume without it, it's just that an A+ cert and the $10k MCSE proving you know floppy cables and DOS is much more important these days.

1 week paid vacation but tell your family goodbye on Christmas, your our bch now.

Sorry, no health insurance for you, thats another trendy thing to deny people these days. But hey the insurance company we offer might deny your claims anyway!


To apply send your resume, grandmas urn and 1st born to:


herbert@greedycorporatebastards.com

 

[gbaughma]

Can I just send my first born? Doesn't matter if I get the job or not... I just want him to move out!



Just my 2¢

"What the captain doesn't realize is that we've secretly replaced his Dilithium Crystals with new Folger's Crystals."

--Greg

http://parallel.tzo.com

 

[tcsbiz]

Great post, fizzak. Have a star.

I've been complaining for years about the laundry list of requirements posted for jobs. It's ridiculous. You need to know everything, be everything to everyone, and not expect to get paid much for it.

 

[kmcferrin]

Personally, I'd file a lawsuit. I think they're discriminating against people whose grandmothers haven't passed away yet. Either that, or they're trying to entice you to murder her, in which case you should call the police.

I've seen similar (obviously not so extreme, due to hyperbole) postings before. My take on it is usually one of two things:

1. They have no idea what they want and just threw a bunch of letters/requirements out there because they don't know enough about tech to know what it is they need (this happens when it's HR writing the requirements more often than not).

2. They're deadly serious and you want nothing to do with them.

My advice, if you're looking for work submit your resume and find out which one it is. Usually it's #1, and companies with the #2 mindset don't tend to get what they want or stick around long.

________________________________________
CompTIA A+, Network+, Server+, Security+
MCTS:Windows 7
MCTS:Hyper-V
MCTS:System Center Virtual Machine Manager
MCSE:Security 2003
MCITP:Enterprise Administrator

 

[SteveTheGeek]

No lie, I saw a local craigslist posting a couple weeks ago looking for someone with a 4-yr computer science degree, several years of programming, DB, LAN/helpdesk, and server skills, and wanted to pay them $60K.

Anyone actually qualified to work there wouldn't even bother applying, and if they do, they deserve what they get.

 

[fizzak]

Yea, here "Brij Patel" just emailed me on my IT categorized resume on Dice, I also need to know Tax preparation now...

Job Description:
Candidates will assist with property tax return preparation, verify property tax assessments and via Power Plan property tax software, verify and process property tax billings via Power Plan property tax software. Related analysis and projects as needed

 

[gbaughma]

There's only one answer.

Time to for the "IT Union".

The *only* way we'll ever be paid what we're worth, is if we demand it.


Just my 2¢

"What the captain doesn't realize is that we've secretly replaced his Dilithium Crystals with new Folger's Crystals."

--Greg

http://parallel.tzo.com

 

[RiverGuy]

Unions have no place in IT as far as I'm concerned. I prefer to receive merit raises and the latitude to wear different hats if the need arises.

 

[DTSMAN]

I feel the your pain. Been in IT since 1995 running with an AAS and a couple of Certs. Went back to school at night and got a BSIT. Relocated to Houston,TX for an IT Service Managers position. Things didn't work out.
I wasn't worried. Then 2 months go by and I realize this town's top IT spots are for Medical, Oil & Gas, or NASA experience, which I did not have. I could not believe the calls and offers that I got from potential employers after they read my resume of 13 years experience and a college degree.
I cried and became a cable TV contractor for a while as I job searched, as it paid as well if not better than other offers and I was not going to give in for $15/hr.
Needless to say, I am starting over working for a large company with great benefits servicing medical analyzers for hospital labs. I am starting at what my IT management position paid plus a company car with fleet card and great benefits. Back to carrying a tool box, but I am happy.
Goodbye cruel world of IT. And thanks to all who helped me with my resume and preperation for all those canned interview questions I so struggled with.

Good Luck Fizzak, your gonna need it.


Bo

Remember,
If the women don't find you handsome,
they should at least find you handy.
(Red Green)

http://www.redgreen.com

 

[fizzak]

gbaughma, dammit your right man. Maybe there should be an IT union. For a long time I've worn many hats and have single handedly increased production processes and bailed companies out of disasters for little money. I've never had much respect for Unions. I could never afford their carpenters and the cars they built for me have not lasted long. But I'm not asking for $120,000 yr and a supply of Viagra to bolt wheels on a Malibu! I just want a mid level Admin job for 55k and benefits! WTF!!!

 

[fizzak]

A recent reply to IBM's 5th attempt to inquire about my intrest in their new support shop...


Dear sir,

You probably don't read these but it makes me feel better, first off, I'm a <<Tier III tech/Systems Admin>> like it says on my resume that you supposedly read but I keep getting these level 1 helpdesk emails and calls indended for high school graduates.

Second, I keep getting these emails and calls about IBM's new shop in B.F.E. Dubuque, Iowa. I find it odd that IBM would open shop there, Dubuque doesn't even have a national airport. Even though IBM might find cheap labor, nobody there is going to have any computer aptitude and noone wants to move there including me. If you do find some farmers kid who might have a computer hobby to field your Tier 1 calls, he is probably going to piss off your customers by not knowing wtf he is doing at a corporate level. So my advice to IBM is to not be so cheap and open shop at a larger midwest city like mine. And another thing, just let go of Lotus Notes man, you cannot keep building on an inferior platform from the early 90's that was originally ported from Mac code. Exchange has beaten you. Either start over or let it go already, don't try to go to version 9...


Good luck

 

[kmcferrin]

Nice.

Of course, they're only trying to open a call center in Iowa because it will be better received than yet another call center in Bangalore and still be cheap.

________________________________________
CompTIA A+, Network+, Server+, Security+
MCTS:Windows 7
MCTS:Hyper-V
MCTS:System Center Virtual Machine Manager
MCSE:Security 2003
MCITP:Enterprise Administrator

 

[gbaughma]

I just want a mid level Admin job for 55k and benefits! WTF!!!

Exactly.

I have 20+ YEARS of computer experience; soft-skills, medical and business fields.

I have developed software for Tandy, Pitney Bowes, and the AHRA. I have developed medical software including charting and treatment planning software. I have administered networks with hundreds of PC's, and kept 5-9's of uptime.

I have *YET* to break $50K a year. WTF????



Just my 2¢

"What the captain doesn't realize is that we've secretly replaced his Dilithium Crystals with new Folger's Crystals."

--Greg

http://parallel.tzo.com

 

[DTSMAN]

Fizzak, you mentioned putting wheels on Malibus. At those auto plants there is more to IT than just databases and networking. If you have an electro-mechanical apptitude, servicing their robotic equipment and working with the proprietary software that run them pays well, and a union you can join if you so desire.

Bo

Remember,
If the women don't find you handsome,
they should at least find you handy.
(Red Green)

http://www.redgreen.com

 

[fizzak]

Fizzak, you mentioned putting wheels on Malibus.

Well that was my attempt at a humorous example poking fun at UAW workers getting paid 6 digits to do simple tasks which is true. Servicing robotic equipement would be a dream though. Too bad they closed the Chrysler plant.

 

[msplants]

Thanks for the chuckle!

I recall when I was leaving a systems analyst position and reading the job description that was posted for my position. They made it sound so high brow and half of the ad I didn't understand what they were talking about. The other analysts and I had a good chuckle saying, "We do that? What is that?"

That was the only perm job I had in the US were I made about 60k.

Contracting, that was a different story. I cashed in on the Y2K hype

 

[tcsbiz]

Contracting, that was a different story. I cashed in on the Y2K hype

Yes. Now THAT was good money. The most money I ever made was '97-'99 doing Y2K stuff.

 

[Foada]

My favorite is when the job requirements ask for more experience that the lifetime of the technology, ie 15+ years of .NET experience required.

If you choose to battle wits with the witless be prepared to lose.

 

[TekkieDave]

Where do the lot of you work? Just out of curiousity, b/c I live in CT, but work in NY, and the salaries you guys listed seem a bit lower than what I'm used to. Granted, the cost of living is quite high in the north-east.

 

[msplants]

I left the US and now live in Australia. I make around $120k a year with 4 weeks paid vacation a year and free healthcare. Life is good here.

I remember when JAVA first came out and places were asking for 10 years experience. Pretty funny.