Stupid Things I Have Heard At Work 6

[AnotherHiggins]

I've been thinking about starting this thread for a long time....

My company has recently gone through some pretty major layoffs. As a result, a lot of my reliable sources of stupid-things-I-overheard-at-work stories are now gone. But I have collected some pretty outstanding stupid-people stories.

I don't have time to list them now, but here is something from an email that was just sent out to literally thousands of users in the company.

.... All and all, we are on track....

This is followed by five paragraphs that seem to have been lifted straight out of a Dilbert cartoon, replete with more buzzwords than you can shake a stick at (stick-shaking is a common standard of measurement here in the South).

Any good examples you'd like to share?

[tt]_____
[blue]-John[/blue][/tt]

"Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it."
[tab]-George Bernard Shaw

Help us help you. Please read FAQ181-2886 before posting.

 

[tgreer]

I had a co-worker who called me to ask how to sort a column in Excel. Leave the entire discussion of why she called me (head of programming) instead of pressing F1, etc., aside, what still cracks me up today is remembering her term for the type of sort she wanted to do: alpha-kuh-betical.

More recently, a letter from my son's High School arrived, informing us of an optional PSAT test he could take:

Q. Should I take the test?

A. Yes, specially if your college bound!

I kid you not.

Thomas D. Greer

http://www.tgreer.com

 

[LFI]

A. Yes, specially if your college bound!

...or, it would seem, if you don't want to end up in THAT person's job!

I hate to admit the faux pas that I carry with me to this day. I said it in HIGH SCHOOL! I was friends with the guy that always said the Pledge of Allegiance over the PA system every morning. Well, for some reason, he couldn't do it one day and he asked me if I would do it. Well, I got on the mic and I started: "I pledge OF allegiance, to the flag..." And I never noticed my error until my friend pointed it out later! Shows you how much I ever LISTENED to the words of that thing!

Wow, I'm really sharing a lot on these boards lately!

--Dave


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O Time, Strength, Cash, and Patience!

 

[LFI]

And, okay, again, not work, but I read this in an on-line profile (yes, an on-line dating site):

I'm not looking for 'Mr. Perfect' but someone to complement me as I do him.

Yes, I know that 'complement' and 'compliment' are different things, but I still chuckle to myself when I think about it!

Immature, I know.

--Dave


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O Time, Strength, Cash, and Patience!

 

[BJCooperIT]

This morning on CNN Headline News:

You must provide an answer that is pacific to the question.

[sup]Beware of false knowledge; it is more dangerous than ignorance.[/sup][sup] ~George Bernard Shaw[/sup]
Consultant Developer/Analyst Oracle, Forms, Reports & PL/SQL (Windows)
Author and Sole Proprietor of: Emu Products Plus

 

[jsteph]

This is too good to make up. A consultant was trying to figure out why his program was running slow, and had asked me (the software development manager), if I had anything running on that server.

He had been asking in a "I know it's you but I'm trying to be polite by asking and not accusing" way. I had nothing on that machine at all, and told him so numerous times throughout the day. (He was known for jaw-droppingly ridiculous code inefficiencies, but was a 'family friend' of powers above me, so I had nothing to do with his contract).

He kept coming back "are you sure??? I keep seeing a process here that's taking 99% of the cpu. It's not mine, so it's got to be yours".

He finally said "Ok, *someone* has a process out there called 'System Idle Process' that's causing my program to run slow..."

And he was actually billing us for his time.
--Jim

 

[Thadeus]

TGreer,
Was the point of humor regarding the PSAT letter, the word "Specially"? If so, I'm not sure it is flat out wrong, however grating to the ears. I am open to being corrected if I am wrong about this.

~Thadeus

 

[BJCooperIT]

Thadeus it should be:
"Yes, specially if you are college bound!"


[sup]Beware of false knowledge; it is more dangerous than ignorance.[/sup][sup] ~George Bernard Shaw[/sup]
Consultant Developer/Analyst Oracle, Forms, Reports & PL/SQL (Windows)
Author and Sole Proprietor of: Emu Products Plus

 

[AnotherHiggins]

->Was the point of humor regarding the PSAT letter, the word "Specially"?

I believe there were two points of humor: "Specially" and "your".

In the context of the letter, the former should read "especially" and the latter "you're". "Especially" in this context means "particularly". "You're" is a contraction for "you are", whereas "your" is possessive.

The letter might as well have read, A. Yes, specially if yourself can tells these here letters ain't writtten two good!

[tt]_____
[blue]-John[/blue][/tt]

"Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it."
[tab]-George Bernard Shaw

Help us help you. Please read FAQ181-2886 before posting.

 

[grande]

Or even "You're."

My boss is terrible for saying things like "pls" and "i need to go downtown, bbl" and "his return date has not been determine yet" and "thnx."

Bleh.

-------------------------
Just call me Captain Awesome.

 

[tgreer]

Two errors: "your" vs. "you are" and "specially" vs. "especially". I think "college bound" should be hyphenated, as well, but I'm not 100% sure about that. The density of errors in one short sentence is funny enough, but the irony of the context is what makes it hilarious.

Thomas D. Greer

http://www.tgreer.com

 

[Thadeus]

[Thadeus bangs head off various hard objects]
Sorry. I knew I was opening myself up on that one, but what the heck. As was displayed in the "Cambridge test", we compensate for such things. I never use the wrong "your/you're" when writing, because I am sensitive to the context... but when reading, I compensated. Especially when I was concentrating my ears on "Specially".

A note regarding "Specially". Merriam-Webster has the primary definition of Especially as 1. Specially which seems to my reading to mean that either word would be just as correct in the above sentence.

You'res truly,
Thadeus

 

[columb]

dictionary.com also gives them as synonyms. Can anybody point to an authoritative explanation of any difference?

Columb Healy

 

[AnotherHiggins]

We used to have a very Southern woman working in our call center. On several occasions, I heard her say over the phone, to a customer, "Mash On". She meant, "Press the 'On' button." But with her strong accent, it sounded something like "mie-ish-own" (one word) or even "mie-eh shown". I'm sure it sounded like a completely foreign language to.... Pretty much anyone who doesn't live in a holler.

What stuck me was that when the listener failed to comprehend what she was saying, she simply refused to try another approach. She would just repeat, "mie-eh shown" over and over, waiting for them to catch on.

I personally approached her about this and made some recommendations for other ways to phrase the instruction, but to no avail. <sigh> Good times, good times.

[tt]_____
[blue]-John[/blue][/tt]

"Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it."
[tab]-George Bernard Shaw

Help us help you. Please read FAQ181-2886 before posting.

 

[AnotherHiggins]

It looks like Specially vs. Especially is about to take on a life of it’s own. I’m creating a new thread for this discussion so we can try to keep this one on-topic (ish).

[tt]_____
[blue]-John[/blue][/tt]

"Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it."
[tab]-George Bernard Shaw

Help us help you. Please read FAQ181-2886 before posting.

 

[NewToCR]

How about 5 paragraphs that OP promised to post? I am eager as I don't see stupid people around here. Can be because...Oops...

 

[NewToCR]

How many times you had heard 'It works on my machine?'

 

[sleipnir214]

The single dumbest utterance I have ever heard in the workplace (unfortunately somewhat off-topic as it does not involve misquoting a common phrase or idiom) was at the end of a 90-minute meeting announcing that the company was participating in a roll-up and going public. That phrase was, "Don't worry. Nothing will change".

The gentleman who uttered the phrase is a smart guy and a dinkum engineer, but perhaps not the most savvy businessman. He actually believed what he was saying -- so much so that he got his feeling hurt when I instantly and unconsciously burst into laughter.

Want the best answers? Ask the best questions!

TANSTAAFL!!

 

[tsdragon]

It was many years ago, so this is more of a paraphrase from memory than a direct quote, but the gist of the message is the same.

From a interoffice memo from "the management" of MCI: "The news stories about impending layoffs at MCI are untrue. There will be no layoffs."

A week or two later (and only 20 days before Christmas) MCI layed off several thousand people, including several hundred in the Arlington, VA offices, including me.

I've never felt quite the same about Christmas or MCI since then.

Tracy Dryden

Meddle not in the affairs of dragons,
For you are crunchy, and good with mustard.

 

[MeGustaXL]

Oh My! Tracy!...

I've never felt quite the same about Christmas or MCI since then.

What utter, complete, total, utter, utter, utter, utter, ###stards!

BTW, it's laid off (Or fired)

Sorry..

Chris

Varium et mutabile semper Excel

http://www.insys-ltd.co.uk