Software Engineering Product Terminology - joke 8

[BJCooperIT]

NEW: Different colors from previous version.

ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.

UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.

ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn't understand it.

NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.

BREAKTHROUGH: It finally booted on the first try.

DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoestring budget.

UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.

UPGRADED AND IMPROVED: Did not work the second time.

Any other terms to add?

^{Beware of false knowledge; it is more dangerous than ignorance. ~George Bernard Shaw}
Consultant/Custom Forms & PL/SQL - Oracle 8.1.7 - Windows 2000

 

[sleipnir214]

REVOLUTIONARY -- we just figured out how to do it.

GROUND BREAKING -- incompatible with any other software.



Want the best answers? Ask the best questions:

http://www.catb.org/~esr/faqs/smart-questions.html

TANSTAAFL!!

 

[dwarfthrower]

OPEN ARCHITECTURE - Security? What security?

_{Never be afraid to share your dreams with the world.
There's nothing the world loves more than the taste of really sweet dreams.}

 

[sleipnir214]

MODULAR AND EXTENSIBLE -- we didn't get it finished before the publish date.

CLOSED ARCHITECTURE -- you'll never know if we're secure or not until it's too late.

Want the best answers? Ask the best questions:

http://www.catb.org/~esr/faqs/smart-questions.html

TANSTAAFL!!

 

[willir]

NEW and IMPROVED -- Forget about the old version, let bye-gones be bye-gones. This one works.

ULITMATE - Our head programmer quit, so this is as good as it gets.

NO MAINTENANCE - We do not have a Helpdesk

(hey dwarfthrower, loved you comment on [blue]OPEN ARCHITECTURE - Security? What security?[/blue] -- open any windows lately?? )

 

[sleipnir214]

READY TO BE USED, RIGHT OFF THE SHELF -- the box in which it is shipped is useful for levelling tables.

UNIQUE FEATURE SET -- loaded with "features" no other software has. Or would want to.

RATED BEST IN ITS CLASS -- our dog liked it.

A CATEGORY KILLER -- the memory of this product will keep anyone from ever trying this in software again.

WITH INTERACTIVE INSTRUCTIONS ON INCLUDED CD -- printing costs have gone up again

NOW WITH INSTRUCTIONS IN HINDI, ROMANIAN, RUSSIAN AND ENGLISH -- our programming team uses English as their common language

Want the best answers? Ask the best questions:

http://www.catb.org/~esr/faqs/smart-questions.html

TANSTAAFL!!

 

[dwarfthrower]

BEST OF BREED - We're the only ones who think this kind of software is worth building.

_{Never be afraid to share your dreams with the world.
There's nothing the world loves more than the taste of really sweet dreams.}

 

[jsteph]

<<Lily Tomilin's voice>>
MICROSOFT--We don't care because we don't have to.
--Jim

 

[flapeyre]

&quot;At Microsoft, failure is not an option -- it comes bundled.&quot;


&quot;When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the Earth with your eyes turned skyward, for here you have been, and there you will always long to return.&quot;

--Leonardo da Vinci

 

[sleipnir214]

FOOL-PROOF OPERATION -- all the operational parameters are hard-coded.

MEETS TOUGH QUALITY STANDARDS -- compiles without errors.

MULTITASKING -- can crash several programs at once.

MULTITHREADED -- can crash a single program in several ways at once.



Want the best answers? Ask the best questions:

http://www.catb.org/~esr/faqs/smart-questions.html

TANSTAAFL!!

 

[hjgoldstein]

Full Networking Capability - Will try to get you to sell Amway products

 

[sleipnir214]

BUILT ON A CLIENT-SERVER MODEL -- we get to sell you TWO pieces of software.



Want the best answers? Ask the best questions:

http://www.catb.org/~esr/faqs/smart-questions.html

TANSTAAFL!!

 

[Kjonnnn]

Version 1.0 Let's see if this works.

Version 1.1 Oops, forgot something important.

Version 2 Ok, we're getting the hang of this now. But we gotta charge you more.

Version 2.0a Dang, we keep forgetting stuff.

 

[BJCooperIT]

&quot;A must have utility&quot;
Translation: Without it we will crash your PC

^{Beware of false knowledge; it is more dangerous than ignorance. ~George Bernard Shaw}
Consultant/Custom Forms & PL/SQL - Oracle 8.1.7 - Windows 2000

 

[hjgoldstein]

FULL BACKWARD COMPATIBILITY - Same product, new splash screen

 

[Sashanan]

Last one reminds me of that old &quot;Windows 98 source code&quot; joke which included, among other things:

'Print "Welcome to Windows 3.11"
'Print "Welcome to Windows 95"
Print "Welcome to Windows 98"

&quot;Much that I bound, I could not free. Much that I freed returned to me.&quot;
(Lee Wilson Dodd)

 

[jrbarnett]

Hi,

A related item to software development terminology:
Drug Dealers vs Software Developers.
It works better as a table with them next to each other, but here goes:

Drug dealers
1. Refer to their clients as &quot;users&quot;
2. &quot;The first one's free!&quot;
3. Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff)
4. Strange jargon: &quot;Stick,&quot; &quot;Rock,&quot; &quot;Dime bag,&quot; &quot;E&quot;
5. Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market
6. Job is assisted by the industry's producing newer, more potent mixes
7. Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers
8. Their product causes unhealthy addictions
9. Do your job well, and you can sleep with movie stars who depend on you

Software developers
1. Refer to their clients as &quot;users&quot;
2. &quot;Download a free trial version...&quot;
3. Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code)
4. Strange jargon: &quot;SCSI,&quot; &quot;RTFM,&quot;, &quot;Java,&quot; &quot;ISDN&quot;
5. Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market
6. Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, faster machines
7. Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists
8. DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem. 'Nuff said.
9. Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!

I hope this doesn't offend anyone, but it amused me.

John

 

[chiph]

&quot;TRIAL&quot; Edition: We stripped out everything that did anything remotely useful and replaced it with Shockwave Flash animations.

&quot;LITE&quot; Edition: No manual. Or online help.

&quot;PRO&quot; Edition: Designed to meet the requirements of one of our corporate customers, and we decided to release it to the general public to hopefully recover some of our sunk costs.

&quot;GOLD&quot; Edition: Same stuff as standard edition. But in a prettier box.



If you want to get the best response to a question, please check out FAQ222-2244 first

 

[LordOfCode]

/* Source Code to Windows 98 -- Enjoy! */

#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD
 
char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
void main()
{
    while(!CRASHED)
    {
        display_copyright_message();
        display_bill_rules_message();
        do_nothing_loop();
        if (first_time_installation)
        {
            make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
            do_nothing_loop();
            totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
            search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
            hang_system();
        }
 
        write_something(anything);
        display_copyright_message();
        do_nothing_loop();
        do_some_stuff();
 
        if (still_not_crashed)
        {
            display_copyright_message();
            do_nothing_loop();
            basically_run_windows_3.1();
            do_nothing_loop();
            do_nothing_loop();
        }
    }
 
    if (detect_cache())
        disable_cache();
 
    if (fast_cpu())
    {
         set_wait_states(lots);
         set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
         set_mouse(action, jumpy);
         set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
    }
 
    /* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
    /* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
    printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
    if (system_ok())
        crash(to_dos_prompt)
    else
        system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);
 
    while(something)
    {
        sleep(5);
        get_user_input();
        sleep(5);
        act_on_user_input();
        sleep(5);
    }
    create_general_protection_fault();
}

edalorzo@hotmail.com

 

[BJCooperIT]

LordOfCode, does this mean that Windows 98 SE was simply changed to:

        sleep(15);
        get_user_input();
        sleep(15);
        act_on_user_input();
        sleep(15);

? Have a star... my treat!


^{Beware of false knowledge; it is more dangerous than ignorance. ~George Bernard Shaw}
Consultant/Custom Forms & PL/SQL - Oracle 8.1.7 - Windows 2000