Punography 5

[rjoubert]

I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.

 

[ANFPS26]

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Circumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.



2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.



3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.



4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.



5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.



6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.



7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.



8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.



9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.



10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.



11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.

The police are looking into it.



12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.

One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'



14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.

Then it hit me.



15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:

'Keep off the Grass.'



16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'



17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.



19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.



20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.



21. A backward poet writes inverse.



22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.



23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.



24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!


Jim

 

[hjgoldstein]

Everyone in Paris is mad. Only the river is Seine

I didn't go to see the film Malcolm X. I'd missed the first 9.

Aspiring to mediocrity since 1957

 

[MakeItSo]

“I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.”
Dorothy Parker

"I think I have a split personality" said Tom, being frank.



“Knowledge is power. Information is liberating. Education is the premise of progress, in every society, in every family.” (Kofi Annan)
Oppose SOPA, PIPA, ACTA; measures to curb freedom of information under whatever name whatsoever.

 

[Noway2]

The last one reminds me of a saying I saw on a t-shirt:

I would rather be in a boat with a drink on the rocks than in the drink with a boat on the rocks

Their other saying was,

Practice safe food. Use condiments.

Since were on puns and as it is approaching St. Patrick's day we should include limericks, one of my favorite scenes out of Star Trek TNG was the early episode titled (if I recall correctly) The Naked Now which was a tribute episode to the classic series. In the episode, Data was reporting the strange goings on to Picard and Riker and the scene went something like this ...

And there is someone in ten forwarward reciting a limerick. Curious. (Data gets a puzzled look) .. There once was a woman from Venus, whose body was shaped like a .... (Picard) DATA!

 

[Olaf Doschke]

Why was picard stopping data? There are so many rhymes on venus... [URL unfurl="true"]http://www.rhymer.com/RhymingDictionary/venus.html[/url]

Bye, Olaf.

 

[philhege]

“I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.”
Dorothy Parker

I think the medically correct quotation is:

"I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a pre-frontal lobotomy."

;^)

-----------
With business clients like mine, you'd be better off herding cats.

 

[gbaughma]

And there is someone in ten forwarward reciting a limerick. Curious. (Data gets a puzzled look) .. There once was a woman from Venus, whose body was shaped like a .... (Picard) DATA!

... I finished that one one day.



Just my 2¢

"What the captain doesn't realize is that we've secretly replaced his Dilithium Crystals with new Folger's Crystals."

--Greg

http://parallel.tzo.com

 

[flapeyre]

Ah, Venus de Milo ... Disarmingly lovely.

-- Francis
Francisus ego, sed non sum papa.

 

[SkipVought]

What is a misgiving about a booking at a Native American resort.

Spoiler

Reservation reservation reservation!

Skip,
[sub]
Just traded in my old subtlety...
for a NUANCE![/sub]

 

[SkipVought]

Here's a pun that cannot be as effective written as spoken.

Brothers purchase a cattle ranch and ask their dad to help them come up with an appropriate name. He replied, "Call the ranch 'Focus,' because its where the...

Spoiler

sons raise meat."
Or.....
sun's rays meet."

Skip,
[sub]
Just traded in my old subtlety...
for a NUANCE![/sub]

 

[BobRodes]

A ship came near an island. The captain noticed some porpoises in the water. They said "We are the undying porpoises of Ishtar. We need your help. If you will catch a few of the seagulls here and take them up the hill and let them go, they will contact our brothers at the next island." The captain agreed to help, caught the gulls, landed, made his way up the hill. Upon the way, he encountered a lion. Upon asking the lion to move, it refused. The captain stepped over the lion, made his way up the hill, and released the gulls. Upon coming back to the ship, he found that another ship had come bringing a warrant for his arrest.

The charge was transporting gulls over a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

An unforeseen consequence of the information revolution has been the exponential propagation of human error.

 

[Annihilannic]

When you have to work that hard to manufacture a pun... I think it loses all its impact!

Annihilannic
[small]tgmlify - code syntax highlighting for your tek-tips posts[/small]

 

[SkipVought]

That reminds me of the old barefoot garlic eating monk, about whom it was said that he was a....

Super fragile calloused mystic plagued with halitosis.

Skip,
[sub]
Just traded in my old subtlety...
for a NUANCE![/sub]

 

[snuv]

Should that be "Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with hallitosis"...

"If it could have gone wrong earlier and it didn't, it ultimately would have been beneficial for it to have." : Murphy's Ultimate Corollary

 

[SkipVought]

@snuv, Yes it should!

Skip,
[sub]
Just traded in my old subtlety...
for a NUANCE![/sub]

 

[hjgoldstein]

Or the headline in the Moscow newspaper after the Red Chinese delegation burst out laughing on a visit to the former Royal Family's tombs.

"Tsar Chasm is the Maoist form of wit."

<coat>

Aspiring to mediocrity since 1957

 

[SkipVought]

How about the graduate students at the University of Cairo studying ancient Egyptian plumbing? They were pharaoh faucet majors.

Skip,
[sub]
Just traded in my old subtlety...
for a NUANCE![/sub]

 

[maybeimaleo]

The only one I can think for this thread is:

"She was bred in old Kentucky but she's only a crumb up here!

 

[flapeyre]

Anyone who's ever watched The Three Stooges knows that their episodes are replete with puns:

[ul]
[li]They once stayed at the Broken Arms apartments.[/li]
[li]They were the campaign managers for the politician Hammond Eggar.[/li]
[li]And who can forget The Great Svengarlic ("He'll steal your breath away!")[/li]
[/ul]

-- Francis
Francisus ego, sed non sum papa.