Just having a little pun at everyone else's expense 3

[SantaMufasa]

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

Mufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
[I provide low-cost, remote Database Administration services: www.dasages.com]
“Beware of those that seek to protect you from harm or risk. The cost will be your freedoms and your liberty.”

 

[jebenson]

One day a scientist achieved his ultimate success: he made a near-perfect clone of himself. It was identical in every way except one - every time the clone spoke it's language was filled with the most vile, repulsive obscenities imaginable. It was like the clone suffered from Tourette's Syndrome on steroids. Finally the scientist could take it no longer, and he pushed the clone off a cliff.

The scientist was later arrested on the charge of making an obscene clone fall.




I used to rock and roll every night and party every day. Then it was every other day. Now I'm lucky if I can find 30 minutes a week in which to get funky. - Homer Simpson

Arrrr, mateys! Ye needs ta be preparin' yerselves fer Talk Like a Pirate Day!

 

[SkipVought]

The poultry in motion, reminded me of the chichen crossing the street.

The way the chicken got the waggon across the street, was to pullet

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

A grenade thrown into a ice cream factory in France would result in Neopolitan Blownapart.


Skip,
[sup]Don't let the Diatribe...
talk you to death![/sup][sub]
Just traded in my old subtlety...
for a NUANCE![/sub]

 

[tcsbiz]

The optometrist fell into the lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself.

 

[traingamer]

Speaking of optometrists, mine is Dr. Like, founder of Like Eye Care.

Greg
People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use. Kierkegaard

 

[flapeyre]

Headline:

PRECINCT TOILET STOLEN. POLICE HAVE NOTHING TO GO ON.

-- Francis
I'd like to change the world, but I can't find the source code.

 

[Olaf Doschke]

If you as a US citizen travel to europe with your cell phone, they'll charge you roaming fees, even if you're not catholic and even if you never even where near to italy. That's what I'd call a pun at someone elses expenses.

Bye, Olaf.

 

[Olaf Doschke]

...wear nere...

 

[lisaharris]

Great list, Santa!

__________
Veni, Vidi, Visa: I came, I saw, I charged it.

 

[vb5prgrmr]

Found this 1/13/2004 and then again recently (today) as I was going through some old hard drives.

Enjoy

PS. (Sorry if the political part offends (well not really))

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns," but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.

"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scale never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, 'Read my ellipse.' Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."

 

[Opieo]

The joke of the day from an rss feed I have plays right into this topic:



Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

~
“Your request is not unlike your lower intestine: stinky, and loaded with danger.” — Ace Ventura.

 

[KenCunningham]

Excellent, but what was Skippy The Bush Kangaroo doing at the funeral?

I want to be good, is that not enough?

 

[CajunCenturion]

==> but what was Skippy The Bush Kangaroo doing at the funeral?
He provided cover for the toasts.

Also, they didn't say that Jimmy Buffet provided the music.


--------------
Good Luck
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As a circle of light increases so does the circumference of darkness around it. - Albert Einstein

 

[vb5prgrmr]

and did you see the in the back ground of the caption picture? Was that not Jimmy Dean off to the side and one of his business rivals Sara Lee arriving after the main course but pre-made? And I also think it was fitting that the photographer took the picture at such an angle to show the Pepperidge Farm land well in the distance.

 

[Andrzejek]

Two atoms are walking on the street.
One says to another:
-I think I’ve lost an electron.
-Are you sure?
-Yes, I'm positive.


Have fun.

---- Andy

 

[Turkbear]

Hi,
We are devolving in this thread to what my brother calls
'Cinnamon Puns' - there is no raisin for them...






To Paraphrase:"The Help you get is proportional to the Help you give.."

 

[ascotta]

Skippy, kangaroo meat, delicious, healthy, can come in pre butchered state if you buy optional Roo bars for your car.

It is also rather good on BBQ's.

Now anyone for eagle wing ?

[blue] A perspective from the other side!![/blue]

Cheers
Scott

 

[john434]

Did you hear about the man that died in his musli?

He was pulled in by a strong current!

I love a nice Pun me...

 

[SantaMufasa]

My 9-year-old granddaughter (who has a sense of humor beyond most adults) called me a work yesterday an said:

Grandpa, every night I used to wonder where the sun went, then it dawned on me.

I was so amused (and proud of her) that I spent the next 5 minutes.

Mufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
[I provide low-cost, remote Database Administration services: www.dasages.com]
“Beware of those that seek to protect you from harm or risk. The cost will be your freedoms and your liberty.”

 

[flapeyre]

I entered half a score of puns in a contest, thinking at least one would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

-- Francis
I'd like to change the world, but I can't find the source code.