Wordplay jokes

[ESquared]

Do you know any jokes that hinge on an alternate meaning of a word? Here's one:


A construction company was clearing and leveling land in preparation for a building, and in the process of turning up earth discovered an oversized, coffin-shaped box. They foreman directed the lid to be pried off, and inside was Beethoven! He was totally surrounded by stacks of books and papers, and with a huge eraser he was madly erasing page after page of hand-written musical scores.

In shock, the foreman cried out, "What are you doing!?!?"

Beethoven calmly replied, "I, my dear sir, am decomposing."

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A sacrifice is harder when no one knows you've made it.

 

[lbass]

I love this joke told to me by my young daughter years ago:

Why did the turtle cross the road?

[white]To get to the Shell station.[/white]

-LB

 

[dyarwood]

A motorist was in court after being in a crash.

Judge: "What happened in the accident"
Motorist: "I was hit by a stationery truck coming the other way

 

[donbott]

What type of underwear do 60 year old men favor, boxers or briefs?


Depends.

DonBott

Take two of these and call me in the morning

 

[mscallisto]

Thanks DonBott....I can and will use that one!!

A conversation between two young boys in a Mississippi swamp

MR Dux
MR Not
SMR CM Wangs
L I'L B
MR Dux

Translation follows:
[white]






Tmen are ducks
Them are not
Yes them are see them wings
Well I'll be
Them are ducks!
[/white]

 

[Elsebet]

Stolen from

http://www.jjonline.com/microSites/ringing/handbellPuns.php,

and also read in a recent issue of Reader's Digest:

A Short Pun

Historical evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers (known as lawn bowling at the time). However, all the league records were unfortunately lost to antiquity. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

 

[ESquared]

mscallisto, I've heard the same thing only slightly different:

MR ducks
MR not!
OSAR! CM Wangs? CDEDBD feet?
LIB, MR ducks!

-------------------------------------
A sacrifice is harder when no one knows you've made it.

 

[PennyB]

Here's one:

A little girl had a new teddy bear. The button eyes were a little askew and looked a bit odd.

Her Grandma looked at this funny looking teddy bear and being nice said "That's a nice teddy bear what do you call him?.

The little girl said "Gladly!"

Grandma asked "Why do you call him 'Gladly?"

Little girl "Because they sing about him in church!"

Grandma asked "What do they sing?"

Little girl "Gladly my Cross I'd bear!"

 

[mscallisto]

Actually ESquared I like that version better than mine.

BTW did you know that if one rearranges ESquared it spells Quad Seer? One word to two words, squared to quad and of course seer!

 

[ESquared]

Yes, I know this.

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A sacrifice is harder when no one knows you've made it.

 

[SkipVought]

This was an old Benny Hill routine that I embellished a bit. It is a conversation between a Patron and a Waiter.
[tt]
W: L.O.
P: L.O. F.U.N.E.M?
W: S.V.F.M.
P: F.U.N.E.X?
W: P.T.V.F.0.N.E.X. (note this contains a ZERO and not a letter O)
P: O.L.
W: O.8! V.F.B.10.X.
P: O.K. M.N.X!
W: 1.X.N.M!
P: O.8.I.Z.M.N.X!
W: O.K. 1.M.N.X!
[/tt]

[white]
W: L.O.
W: Hello.
P: L.O. F.U.N.E.M?
P: Hello. Have you any ham?
W: S.V.F.M.
W: Yes we have ham.
P: F.U.N.E.X?
P: Have you any eggs?
W: P.T.V.F.0.N.E.X.  (note this contains a ZERO and not a letter O)
W: Pity we have not any eggs
P: O.L.
P: Oh well.
W: O.8! V.F.B.10.X.
W: Oh wait.  We have beaten eggs.
P: O.K. M.N.X!
P: Okay. Ham and eggs!
W: 1.X.N.M!
W: One eggs and ham!
P: O.8.I.Z.M.N.X!
P: Oh wait.  I said Ham and eggs!
W: O.K. 1.M.N.X!
W: Okay. One ham and eggs!
[/white]

Skip,
[sub]
[red]Be advised:[/red]
Alcohol and Calculus do not mix!
If you drink, don't derive! [/sub]

 

[ESquared]

Threats: even aces and queens get sick! For 2 jackings, it's $10.95.

This is a mnemonic I came up with to remember a card trick. It's not really much of a trick at all, but here's the explanation.

Arrange the 13 cards of one suit as follows in a stack so the 3 is on top when they are face down:

3 8 7 A Q 6 4 2 J K 10 9 5

Then, shuffle through the cards (moving the front card to the back) one at a time and spell out the name of each card.

A - C - E

turn over the next card and set it aside... it's an ace.

T - W - O

and so on and so forth.

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A sacrifice is harder when no one knows you've made it.