I miss the PUN thread (but my aim is getting better) 1

[SantaMufasa]

It's been nearly a year and a half since we last posted in thread1256-1633837. I've missed having it around, and since we cannot post to that thread any longer, here's a new thread for us:

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro — what a rip off!

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Mufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
“People may forget what you say, but they will never forget how you made them feel.

 

[ponoodle]

I heard they just launched a webpage for people with conjunctivitis. It's a site for sore eyes.

 

[BadBigBen]

Santa, yep I miss it too.

What do you get when a chicken crosses the road?[hide]poultry in motion[/hide]
A lot of money is tainted. [hide]'Taint yours and 'taint mine.[/hide]
A pessimist's blood type is [hide]b-negative.[/hide]

and here some definitions:

Pasteurize: Too far to see.
Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.
Crick: The sound that a Japanese camera makes.

Ben
"If it works don't fix it! If it doesn't use a sledgehammer..."
How to ask a question, when posting them to a professional forum.
Only ask questions with yes/no answers if you want "yes" or "no"

 

[mscallisto]

Well it's not really a pun but it's a funny definition.

Pragmatic:
A cheap washing machine manufactured in the capital of the Czech Republic

Sam

 

[MakeItSo]

I got a merry giggle out of Santa's collection.

“Knowledge is power. Information is liberating. Education is the premise of progress, in every society, in every family.” (Kofi Annan)
Oppose SOPA, PIPA, ACTA; measures to curb freedom of information under whatever name whatsoever.

 

[SkipVought]

What do you get when a chicken crosses the road?

How did the chicken get the wagon across the road?

Spoiler

Pullet

Skip,
[sub]
Just traded in my old subtlety...
for a NUANCE![/sub]

 

[CajunCenturion]

It's hard to believe that it's been a sexennium since we've had a "Punmeister of the Month". It's far better than go a sexennium without a punmeister than go six years without sex with anyone.

--------------
Good Luck
To get the most from your Tek-Tips experience, please read
FAQ181-2886
Wise men speak because they have something to say, fools because they have to say something. - Plato

 

[RCorrigan]

<Do I need A Signature or will an X do?>

 

[JCreamerII]

CC,

Anyone takes in a lot of possible choices, and not all would be good choices. I'll have to check with the wife on the anyone thing?

Jim C.

 

[mscallisto]

There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.

He wears glasses during math because it improves division.

Sam

 

[BadBigBen]

in response to CajunCenturion:

If you sleep with the devil, be prepared to have six 3 times!

Ben
"If it works don't fix it! If it doesn't use a sledgehammer..."
How to ask a question, when posting them to a professional forum.
Only ask questions with yes/no answers if you want "yes" or "no"

 

[flyboytim]

I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me, than a pre-frontal lobotomy!

 

[CajunCenturion]

@BigBadBen -

--------------
Good Luck
To get the most from your Tek-Tips experience, please read
FAQ181-2886
Wise men speak because they have something to say, fools because they have to say something. - Plato

 

[rexxhead]

Just offering correct attribution...

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

Frank Clarke
--America's source for adverse opinions since 1943.

 

[snuv]

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Hey get out! We don't want your type in here!"

"If it could have gone wrong earlier and it didn't, it ultimately would have been beneficial for it to have." : Murphy's Ultimate Corollary

 

[2ffat]

Roman Weatherman: "Hail! Caesar!"
Caesar: "What the weather forecast for today?"
Roman Weatherman: "Hail, Caesar!"


James P. Cottingham
I'm number 1,229!
I'm number 1,229!

 

[SamBones]

Definition: Paradox

Where you can park two boats.

 

[BadBigBen]

Why will one never starve in the desert?

Spoiler

(Hint: say it out loud) Because of all the sand which is there.

How much does a pirate pay to get his ears pierced?

Spoiler

A buck an ear.

Ben
"If it works don't fix it! If it doesn't use a sledgehammer..."
How to ask a question, when posting them to a professional forum.
Only ask questions with yes/no answers if you want "yes" or "no"

 

[hjgoldstein]

Where does a pirate keep his buccaneers?

Spoiler

Under his buck'n' hat

Aspiring to mediocrity since 1957

 

[flyboytim]

Just offering correct attribution...


Quote (Dorothy Parker)
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

Thanks for that...

On snooping around the Web a bit

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me..." has been variously attributed to W C Fields and Tom Waits, as well as Dorothy Parker. Apparently the "pre-frontal" version has been attributed to Dean Martin.

According to Wikipedia:

Everything I've ever said will be credited to Dorothy Parker.
George S. Kaufman, as quoted in George S. Kaufman and His Friends (1974) by Scott Meredith

So I'll use that as my excuse!

One of DP's cleverest one liners (imho) was:

You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.