Help me MC at my neice's wedding 1

[SantaMufasa]

Okay, you MAI-ers, this is your chance to really let your senses of humour shine. In honour of Anotherhiggins's up-coming nuptials and to assist me as the Master of Ceremonies (MC) at the June 14 wedding luncheon of my neice, I'm inviting you to share your anecdotes and matrimonial advice (from which I can harvest, then generate entertainment for my neice, her soon-to-be husband, and the rest of the wedding guests).

Your contibutions can come from any source personal experience, your imagination, Readers Digest, plagiarism, et cetera. The only limitation is that the contributions should be fit for mixed company, from youngsters to great-grandparents.

Ready, set, go!

Mufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
[I can provide you with low-cost, remote Database Administration services: see our website and contact me via www.dasages.com]

 

[BoxHead]

Dave,


A story that should get every married couple in a room to sit a little closer together: The Magician's Wife

Everyone knew that the famous magician, Harry Houdini loved his wife very much. It was common knowledge because even though she embarrassed him often in public, he always insisted that she travel with him.

When Houdini would travel to a city for a performance, he would contact the local newspaper and police department. He would pledge to perform some amazing escape the day before his show was scheduled to open. He would be handcuffed, shackled, locked in a box and thrown in a lake. The newspapers articles would detail how the local police were providing the handcuffs and shackles to avoid any trickery. The stories would often also describe the hysterical, embarrassing behavior of Mrs. Houdini, insisting that the locks on the shackles to be used be tested again and again and again. She would go so far as to check the key in the lock several times herself. The articles would sometimes question why she was there if she didn't have the stomach for it.

When it came time for the actual escape, Mrs. Houdini would again insist on testing the lock even after a police officer had demonstrated that it worked. She would insist that the officer stand close by with the key in case of an accident. She would plead with her husband to not attempt such a dangerous feat and finally, finally, she would give him a tearful kiss as he was locked in the box to be thrown into the lake.

Many years later, as magicians tried to replicate Houdini's amazing feats, they often came upon some insurmountable obstacle; some piece of the puzzle that was unknown.

That's when people began to realize that while Mrs. Houdini tested the keys over and over and over at the police station, she was actually studying every detail of the key so that she could make a similar key. When she tested the lock at the actual event, she would give the replica key back to the police officer. The actual key, she would give to her husband just before he was locked in the box.

And how could she secretly give her husband the key in front of a large audience? In a way no one else could do it - with a tearful kiss.

When men talk about a "magician's wife" we are talking about a companion who will keep the secrets we can share with no one else; a partner who can act today with a common long-term goal in mind; a fan who can lead the crowd in cheering for us as if she didn't know all of our not-so-amazing secrets; and a friend who helps achieve feats that we could have never imagined possible on our own.

I'm no magician, but I have a magician's wife - and I work hard to try to be deserving.

I had tried working this into the toast at my brother's wedding last summer, but I couldn't find any comparable "Magician's Husband" stories. Of course, I didn't think to ask the MAI group.


Good luck.

John




Life is short.
Build something.

 

[KenCunningham]

Dave, possibly not much help, but when Best Man at my best friend's wedding I made reference to Tavares' 'Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel' when thanking the Bridesmaids. Went down rather well.

 

[gbaughma]

As a professional entertainer who's played hundreds of weddings, I have my own little set of jokes that go along.... here's a few.

Have the bride and groom face each other, have her put her hands out, palms up, and his hands on top of hers, palms down. Have her say something sappy... "To my true love, I'll always be beside you, etc. etc."... then have him say "I feel the same", and then notify him it's the LAST time he'll get the LAST WORD or the UPPER HAND.

"A man is never complete until he's married. (pause)... then he's finished."

"Marriage is a little like a 3-ringed circus. First there's the engagement ring, then the wedding ring.... then the suffer-ring...."

"There are three little words that a man can say to his wife that will guarantee happiness forever. No, it's not 'I love you', it's 'You're right, dear.'"

I had one wedding where the groom had the garter off of the bride so fast, the music had barely started.... I stated "Good lord, I hope he's not that fast at EVERYTHING!"

If the dance floor is a little slow (during the first "everybody" dance), I point out "Ladies and Gentlemen, an announcement.... I spoke to the <city> city council earlier today, and the ban on dancing has been lifted for tonight!"

OK, I'm a cornball... but I always have fun.... and so do the guests. That's what's important.



Just my 2¢

"In order to start solving a problem, one must first identify its owner." --Me
--Greg

 

[stackdump]

Santa,

Im no expert at speeches (in fact I hate doing them!) but having done and listened to a few wedding speeches, some jokes about one's own marriage always seems to raise a laugh. Here's a few from my collection, I have no idea where they came from originally...

Me and <wifes name> have had three wonderful years of marriage, three out of twenty sevens not bad. I think its twenty seven, I know its definitely 87 check books ago.

She's got her spending under control now, in fact we're economizing, we're going without everything I need.

Twenty seven years, we've lasted so long because we both have a common interest, we both love fighting.

She once called me inconsiderate!, all because of that time we won a trip for two to Paris... and I went twice.

I asked my wife whether she'd still love me when Im old and bald, she said it was hard enough when I was young and hairy.

Ive often wondered why my wife agreed to marry me, she said it was because I had a pierced ear and an ear ring. Her logic was that Im already used to buying jewellery and experiencing pain.

I was a participant in a fun joke a friend of mine did for his daughters wedding. It needed a little forward planning. He gave all the male guests an old key (or a blank key). During the speech he said that if there happen to be any of his daughters former boyfriends present that have a door key, please surrender it (which is the signal for the guys to hesitate, then walk up one at a time and drop the keys onto a table). Be sure to give some keys to both some very young and very old male guests and have them walk up last. I guess you had to be there to appreciate it but it worked great!

 

[mjldba]

This action requires a bit of set-up preparation but is well worth the laugh it'll bring.

Distribute keys to at least a dozen strikingly beautiful women at the reception (should not be difficult) and give a key to the oldest woman.

When you're giving your spiel about how happy the new couple is, make a comment about the groom being off the market ... he's through trolling bars .... he's a one-woman guy now so you'd like all his old girl-friends to return their copies of his house keys.

This is the queue for all the women that you gave keys to earlier and they should approach the head table, put the keys on the table, and give him a polite kiss on the cheek.

You look at the pile of keys and announce there is one key missing ... this is the queue for the old woman.

She walks up, places the key on the table, and plants a big kiss on the groom. If she can bend him over backwards, so much the better.

 

[sbix]

Do you know the "Divorced Barbie"'s joke?

 

[SantaMufasa]

You mean the Barbie that comes with all of Ken's stuff? <grin>

So far, all the contributions are magnificent. My repetoire is expanding by the hour, thanks to all y'alls !

Keep 'em coming. We'll announce the top entries the day before the wedding.

Mufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
[I can provide you with low-cost, remote Database Administration services: see our website and contact me via www.dasages.com]

 

[KenCunningham]

So that's where it went, huh?

 

[sbix]

Dave,
I will be in USA for the *MY* honeymoon in September, I will be around Utah for a while.
Could you suggest me the best trip around the National Parks in Utah?

 

[UniqueFD]

Well, Dave, you asked! Here is a collection of loosely marriage-connected trivia and quotes - some funny, some thoughtful, some provocative. Use what you can, but you might want to check it's validity and accuracy first!

Expensive Wedding:
The world's most expensive wedding was thrown by Lakshmi Mittal for his daughter Vanisha Mittal and her fiancée Amit Bhatia on June 22 2004. The wedding was held at Vaux le Vicomte a 17th-century French chateau on the final day of a 6 day celebration which is estimated to have cost $60 million USD.

Longest Engagement:
The longest engagement is recorded as being between Octavio Guillen and Adrianna Martinez. They were engaged in 1902. They finally took the plunge in June 1969 in Mexico City after 67 years. Both were then aged 82. (And they probably thought by that stage, ‘Why not?!’).

Quote:
‘Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is the not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No don’t blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being ‘in love’ which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burnt away. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.’
Louis de Bernière, Captain Corelli’s Mandolin

Amusing:
A concerned husband, who was getting on a bit, went to his doctor to talk about his wife. ‘Doctor, I think my wife is getting very deaf because she never hears me the first time and I always have to repeat everything I say.’

The doctor replied, ‘Go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something. If she doesn’t reply move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we will get an idea of the severity of her deafness.’

So the husband goes home and does exactly what is instructed. He starts off about 15 feet behind his wife in the kitchen who has her back turned, chopping some vegetables, and he says to her, ‘Darling what’s for dinner?’. No response.

He moves about five feet closer and asks again. Still no response. He moves five feet closer; still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right up behind her and yells into her ear, ‘Darling what’s for dinner?’

At which point she turns around and says in an exasperated voice: ‘For the fourth time I said, “Lamb casserole!”’

Punctuation:
An English professor wrote the words a woman without her man is nothing on the blackboard and asked the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: ‘A woman, without her man, is nothing.’
The women wrote: ‘A woman: without her, man is nothing.’

Things that Matter In Life:
Woody Allen once remarked, ‘There are only two things that matter in life, one is sex and the other really isn’t all that important.’

Kissing:
According to scientists, frequent kissing stabilises cardiovascular activity and decreases high blood pressure and cholesterol. It also fights plaque and prevents cavities because the extra saliva helps clean out your mouth.

We lose 12 calories during every passionate kiss. (The longest kiss apparently lasted 30 hours, 59 minutes and 27 seconds. Now THAT's the way to slim!)

One final encouragement about kissing - apparently our brains have special neurons that help us find each others' lips in the dark!



Tony
___________________________________________________
Reckless words pierce like a sword,
but the tongue of the wise brings healing (Solomon)

 

[UniqueFD]

The best man at my own wedding slotted some anagrams of our names into his speech, which caused some giggles and went down very well. An idea, maybe?

(I also realise I should have written, "... check their validity ...". Thought I'd better point it out before someone else does - it is important to be precise, but none more so than in MAI! ).

Tony
___________________________________________________
Reckless words pierce like a sword,
but the tongue of the wise brings healing (Solomon)

 

[chiph]

Lakshmi Mittal

I held stock in Mittal Steel for a while. Now I know why it went down!

Chip H.


____________________________________________________________________
If you want to get the best response to a question, please read FAQ222-2244 first

 

[cresbydotcom]

as a born-again bachelor (I worship daily) and from far more painful memories of siblings trials & tribulations etc might I say (and bro in law used this to his first born at the wedding)

"Families that play together, stay together."

he also said

"enjoy the children, and grandparents (& uncles) are there to babysit & give you time to yourselves on occasions."

 

[sbix]

A friend of mine, speaking about "who decides what in his family" says:
In an argument I am the one who says the VERY LAST TWO WORDS: "YES.... dear

 

[SantaMufasa]

sbix, Your "last two words" remind me of my uncle's assessment of the division of responsibilities in his marriage:

I make all the strategic decisions in our home, like: our position on Afghanistan, Iraq, terrorism, the global economy, et cetera; my wife makes all the less-important decisions such as: what house to buy, what car to buy, what professions we'll pursue, et cetera.

And Uncle Richard's assessment is reminiscent of the fellow that ascended to Heaven, passed through the Pearly Gates, and, once inside, saw two lines available: the first line had a queue of men stretching as far as the eye could see. The banner over that line read, "For Men Dictated to by Their Wives". The second line, bannered "For Men Who Dictate to Their Wives", there stood a solitary fellow. Curious of this anomaly, the new decedent approached the lone fellow and asked, "How did you get here?"

He meekly responded, "My wife just told me to stand here."

Mufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
[I can provide you with low-cost, remote Database Administration services: see our website and contact me via www.dasages.com]