Golf Jokes 3

[gbaughma]

Spawned from the other thread... since there seem to be a BUNCH of good golf jokes.....

A priest decides to play hooky one Sunday and goes to the golf course.

St. Peter looks down over a cloud and sees the priest there. He says "Hey, God... isn't that one of your boys down there? Isn't he supposed to be preaching Your word?"

"I'll take care of it..." God says.

So, the priest tees off, and slices badly. It bounces off of a rock and lands 6" from the hole for an eagle putt.

The second hole, the ball is grabbed mid-air by a hawk, who drops the ball and it rolls on the green for a hole-in-one.

The entire game goes that way, with the priest landing an unbelievable score and a new course record.

St. Peter is just taken aback. "I can't believe it," he says to God... "the guy plays hooky from doing your work, and you have him play a perfect game???"

"Yes," says God, "And who is he going to tell?"



Just my 2¢

"What the captain doesn't realize is that we've secretly replaced his Dilithium Crystals with new Folger's Crystals."

--Greg

http://parallel.tzo.com

 

[flapeyre]

Heard that one.

Q. Why do they call it golf?

A: All of the other four-letter words were taken.

-- Francis
I'd like to change the world, but I can't find the source code.

 

[Welshbird]

I've fort of another one.

Vicar and member of congregation is playing golf. Everytime the congregation geezer putts he misses by about 4 inches. Each time he exclaims 'Damn! Missed the bugger!'. The vicar finally says that God might try to reak revenge for his language. Nothing changes....

Eventually they reach the 18th hole, and again the member of the congregation misses by 4 inches and shouts 'Damn! Missed the bugger!'

God is seen to appear above the green, and explains that lightening will strike this man who blasphemes so badly.

A fork of lightening hits the green about 6 inches from the golfer, and God exclaims 'Damn! Missed the bugger...'


I'll get my coat.

Fee

"The cure for anything is salt water – sweat, tears, or the sea." Isak Dinesen

 

[BadBigBen]

Excellent Trade:

Ron explains to his coworker: "I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife!"

Coworkerrr: "Excellent trade!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A bit Morbid, perhaps:

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."

"Oh, that's awful!"

"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

Ben
"If it works don't fix it! If it doesn't use a sledgehammer..."
How to ask a question, when posting them to a professional forum.
Only ask questions with yes/no answers if you want "yes" or "no"

 

[genomon]

Basic Rules of Golf:

· Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
· Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
· When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
· If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: You can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
· The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
· No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
· The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
· If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
· Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
· A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
· It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt .. for a 10.
· Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
· Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
· It's not a gimme if you're still away.
· The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree
· There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
· You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
· If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
· Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
· When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
· Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
· If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
· To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
· There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
· Hazards attract; fairways repel.
· You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.
· A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
· If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
· It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard.
· Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.
· A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
· Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
· A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are...that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
· That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.
· If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
· Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
· A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
· It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
· If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
· You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine.
· It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing brain surgery.

Cogito eggo sum – I think, therefore I am a waffle.

 

[SantaMufasa]

Ben's story reminds me of the two golfers on the 15th tee, which borders the adjacent cemetery. As they prepare to tee off, a funeral entourage passes on the nearby cemetary lane. One of the golfers dofts his hat and reverntly waits until the cars have passed. The ensuing brief conversation:

Golfer 2: Carl, that's one of the most thoughtful acts of unsolicited tribute I've ever seen.

Golfer 1: It was the least I could do...I was married to her for 40 years.

Mufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
[I provide low-cost, remote Database Administration services: www.dasages.com]
“Beware of those that seek to protect you from harm or risk. The cost will be your freedoms and your liberty.”