Dealing with a Dictator 4

[h0h0h0]

How does one deal with someone who dictates rather than understands? No marriage jokes either.

There's a co-worker (not a supervisor but a coworker) who's around 24 and typically speaks to others opinions in terms of "you're wrong" "youre not supposed to do that" "why would you think that". These responses tend to be both to technical and non-technical matters.

How does one deal with the "Dictator" personality type?

 

[PGVet]

I suggest asking him to prove it or explain why, when he says, "You are wrong." 90% of the time he doesn't have a clue, just wish he had the idea first. Also, when he says, "you're not supposed to do that", asks him why and then firmly suggest to him that he is no one's boss, and it's a "team effort" ,not his, that counts. And if he is a newbie, put him on the spot! I guarantee you he will bend and shut up. Moreover, keep notes if this "donkey" keeps disrespecting others and slowing down the progress of a project. Protect your neck in case management wants to blame you for "project punctuality" not met.

 

[Chance1234]

Not clear from the first post, but do they have a point ?

Chance,

Filmmaker, taken gentleman and crunch day + 6

 

[blutekhnd]

In the past, I have gone and gotten the written proof that I was correct and THEY were wrong. After a few times of that, they no longer challenged me. Of course, that makes me a partial know-it-all too. Just not as bad, and with more charisma.

 

[SteveGlo]

You are all very polite - I'd just tell him to fertilise himself.

 

[Dollie]

After working with people like this (and being married to one for a while), I now have knee-jerk reactions when I hear "You're wrong". Well, I don't actually kick the person no matter how much I want to.

"What makes this wrong?" or "Why?" are immediate responses now. People like this usually have very poor self-images of themselves, even if they seem egotistical. Making others look dumb is what gives them the ego, no matter how dumb the topic.

Then there are those who are happier when everyone else is unhappy, and feels that they must keep people "in their place", even if they are not a supervisor.

Of course, since I know everything, the person telling me I'm wrong is the one who is always wrong, but that's another issue entirely.

;-)

 

[sleipnir214]

I have on two occasions I've found it necessary to paraphrase the dialog between the two computer geeks in the movie "War Games". I turn to the miscreant and say in a loud voice, "MISTER POTATOHEAD! MISTER POTATOHEAD! Remember you told me to tell you when you were acting rudely and insensitively? Remember that? You're doing it right now."



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[rosieb]

Are they usually right?

I think there are three possibilities; they may be somewhere on the Autistic spectrum, they may just be insecure in the group they work with, or they may be bullies.

If they're on the Autistic spectrum, say Asperger's Syndrome, they'll be oblivious of the effect they have on others - they're just saying what they think. And they'll often be right.

http://www.udel.edu/bkirby/asperger/

gives a good description. In this case you just have to get used to the fact that X is a tactless so-and-so, but doesn't mean any harm (and is probably just trying to be helpful).

If it's that they're just insecure in the group, a gentle (private) explanation that they're upsetting others, combined with an effort to include them should sort out the situation.

If neither of the above apply, they're bullies - as Dollie says, probably insecure themselves - but they need to be put in their place. I'd make them justify every statement of that sort, in detail. I'd also point out each time that it was a very tactless remark. But keep away from the personal - it's the remark NOT the person that was tactless. If they really are a bully, they must not be allowed to get away with it - to anyone.





Rosie
"Don't try to improve one thing by 100%, try to improve 100 things by 1%

 

[DataDog]

I've found that the following works well for your response to the Dictator's "you're wrong" or "you're not supposed to do that" ...

You respond with "Why?"
Dictator responds with something....
You AGAIN respond with "Why?"
Dictator responds with something to further explain his position....
And You AGAIN respond with "Why?"

You keep this up until the Dictator FINALLY has to ask the question ...."WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING, WHY??????"

Here's the punch line....You respond with.....
It's obvious that since you're so smart and I'm so dumb, and that since you're treating me like a 2 year old, I may as well act line one!


DataDog
'Failure Is Not An Option'

 

[Stella740pl]

Can they just be right once in a while, just not a very tactful person?

Say, does "youre not supposed to do that" actually means "Doing this is against company policy, and you might get yourself in trouble"?

Or "you're wrong" can mean "I've read a good book about this - this way it won't work, you should try a different way before you wasted too much time"?

Maybe instead of confronting the person you can try to understand what they meant to say and realise that this can be helpful?

And, possibly, at some appropiate time just say, "You know, I always appreciate you advice, I wish could do this more tactfully, without hurting people's feelings."

 

[carp]

What I have not seen mentioned here yet is whether or not the "dictator" is generally correct. If you can demonstrate he is wrong, then each time he does this he loses credibility and will soon be taken care of. If he can demonstrate he is right, then he has stopped you from making a mistake, and that's good, right?
I also find it fascinating that stating a fact or opinion without a lot of fluff and stroking has now become a syndrome. We used to call this straightforward and it was considered a good thing. I would much rather somebody say "You're wrong" than "Well, while I value your differences and there are, of course, many different ways of looking at this subject, I think I might possibly have to disagree with your statement - although I think you're a swell human being." It takes less time and I understand what is really being said (but then again, I spent a lot of time in the military and we didn't always have time for any more than the shortest message possible).
With that said, I have also run into people that like to argue just for the sake of arguing. These people waste an enormous amount of other people's time and energy, and need to be slapped down hard.

 

[BocaBurger]

If I feel someone in my group is about to make a mistake, I would not say "you're wrong". I would say, "let's check up on the facts". I would have my documentation available.
So, if this person says "you're wrong" you might say: "Thank's for letting me know, can I see your source"
This is less confrontational, and will produce the same effect, if there is no source. While checking the source. you might want to search the 'net or documentation for either conflicting or collaborating information. You both might learn something.




BocaBurger
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The pen is mightier than the sword, but the sword hurts more!

 

[Dollie]

Things to say instead of "you're wrong":

* I'm not sure if I agree with that POV/opinion.
* Let's look at it this way...
* Are you sure your information is correct?
* I believe that what you're looking for is...
* From what I understand, this is the issue at hand...
* I thought it worked like this...
* Stop inhaling from the fire extinguisher.
* Your dog has been talking to you again, hasn't he?
* Please tell Xenu to stop abducting you at night.

Ways to respond if you know you are right:

* Why?
* Why?
* Why?
* Why?
* Why?
* Why?
* Why?
* Why?
* Why?
* Why?
* Why?
* Why?
* Are you smoking crack?

 

[BocaBurger]

You mean your dog doesn't talk to you?

Wait a minute!




Xenu has been cheating on me!







BocaBurger
<===========================||////////////////|0
The pen is mightier than the sword, but the sword hurts more!

 

[robbieguy2003]

* Are you smoking crack?

One i like which is similar to that is. Can i buy some drugs from you??

I got it from Brian the talking dog from Family Guy (and before you ask im not taking anything).

I wish someone would just call me Sir, without adding 'Your making a scene'.

Rob

 

[langleymass]

I am re-posting this. It's a good story.

Last week, I was working with a fellow who is quite obnoxious, rude, and professional. He was a typical geek and probably got hired to fill some affirmative-action requirement.

Out of nowhere, I asked him, "Who was your favorite professor in college?" Then I started to do a little hypnosis on him. I wanted to get him talking about someone that he really respected in his past, and he definitely opened up and talked a lot about his professor. While he was in a slight trance, my goal was to "anchor" (associate or link) those feelings of respect to me. He just started talking very openly, quite different from any way he had been in the past.

I think it worked. We will see what happens when I work with him again next week. I have a few more patterns to try. It should be fun.

 

[SQLSister]

Once upon a time when I worked for the Navy (I was civil Service), we had a guy who was a Navy Lt. who was waiting to be separated from the service (he'd failed to be promoted) and who was the boss of the man I shared my office with.

I did not work for him. I did work for a man who was inisistant that everything be done exactly the way he specified (which was OK because he had 20 years experience on me and he did in fact know what he was doing).

So I'm creating a spreadsheet (a manual spreadsheet, this was before Lotus was created) doing it exactly as my boss (we'll call him Ed) wanted. Lt Bozo (not his real name) comes in and tells me I'm doing the spreadsheet wrong. Now mind, it wasn't his project, he knew nothing about the technicalities of what we did and I didn't work for him. My response, "Ed wants it that way.
"I don't care, it's wrong. Change it."
"Ed wants it this way."
"I don't care, it's wrong. Change it."
"Ed wants it this way. I work for Ed."
"I don't care, it's wrong. I order you to change it."
I stand up straight rising to my full height of 5'1" and glare at him. "I don't work for you. Get out of my office."
This was the first time I ever saw someone turn purple with rage. But he left, slamming the door. My office mate laughed so hard he fell off his chair.

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[BocaBurger]

I can see why he wasn't promoted.



BocaBurger
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The pen is mightier than the sword, but the sword hurts more!

 

[SQLSister]

That and the ship he ran aground.

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[BocaBurger]

I heard the Navy frowns on that. Sort of like a tank commander forgetting to secure the turrent and barrel of the gun, and when making aturn in the city, taking out the corner of an apartment building. Heard the impact from my barracks a block a away .

Some very upset residents were expressing their opinions of the tanker's ancestry too.



BocaBurger
<===========================||////////////////|0
The pen is mightier than the sword, but the sword hurts more!