hey can any one tell me what instruction set the 486 and intels use and how to get started programming in them. it has been a long time since I have done any assem programming and even then I was not good

All the x86 chips use the same basic instuction set. The only differences from 8088 to 486 and even Pentium are mostly specialized instuctions for managing memory, etc. Things that application programmers shouldn't have to worry about.

I'm sure Intel publishes a manual on Principles of Operation or something to that effect but one way to learn without buying a book is to download some source code (preferably well commented), assemble it, and study the listings for a while. Then ask questions about specific parts that don't make sense to you. Right here is a great place to ask those questions.